#MindHunter S01
When everything started to be out of control, when Holden's life got fucked up, when his mind became both clear and confused, when his mental world collapsed out of a sudden, when his pursuits was conspued and despised, he went to see Ed, the one who had enlightened him, sunken him in endless darkness, guided him to be just like one of them, or in other words, helped him to realize who he truly was born to.
Holden was, indeed, scattered and shattered, couldn't stop doubting himself, wouldn't ever want to admit that he was turning to be someone that saw the world through the eyes of "sequence killers", or thought in a pattern exactly like those "pervert".
Shivering, as he did when Ed just simply and calmly spoke to him, he started to have this feeling or acquaintance of who he was and what was buried deeply inside of him. He was then, overwhelmed, and crushed, and burnt, and lost himself.
Ed hugged him out of nowhere, or maybe, somewhere. But it's completely enough to get Holden suffocated. Before he got there, his life was a mess, but the progress he made in his research, the acknowledgment of that the assumption, the theory he was obsessed with, he was working on, showed the possibility of being applied, everything had been pushing him to be a much arrogant and aggressive person. He changed. He was no longer some green hand who was still young and inexperienced and curious and could be attracted by a girl who just happened to be wearing a nice jumpsuit and drinking by the bar, listening to music, alone.
For a couple of minutes, how long exactly? I don't know, maybe ten? Fifteen? Or half an hour? I found myself kinda hate him, calling him a dumbass (in my mind), for he was actually acting like one . He didn't care about the consequences that might brought by the exposure, he didn't want to understand the pressure Bill's facing, he didn't even take Wendy's struggling to live as who she was into his consideration, he just simply didn't 't care anymore and, though I do know why and how these happened, I couldn't accept these changes.
But then I saw him, fragile, brittle, invalidating himself. So I still, I do, care about him.
The hug from Ed kinda reminded him of who he was, and who he was about to become. Everything started to bump into his head, every inch of his mind was fully crammed with people's warnings, insights, labels and words that were carved onto his nerve. He was crushed. He was cracked. He was choked.
He had this strong desire to crawl out of this, out of all of these things that smashed him, but he failed, again and again. He was overloaded and then, inevitably, exploded.
And that was when he paralyzed on the ground, dizzy, and said:
"I'm dying."
(Holy crap, I love Jonathan Groff.)
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