- I didn't have my period. Every time something is wrong with me, you say I'm on my period!
—You can shout a little louder, I think there's another one over there that hasn't been heard.
—I wish I had a big sock full of horse manure in my hand now.
- What did you mean when you said "we have a problem with our sex life"? For someone who grew up in Brooklyn, I was pretty normal.
—I’m so sorry, it’s my sex life, okay? I have a problem with my sex life!
- Ahem! I haven't read that one, it's a Henry James novel, right? A sequel to "The Screws Are Tightening"? "My Sex Life"?
—I am doing my dissertation.
- What is the topic?
— "The Political Tasks of Twentieth-Century Literature".
—So you are a New York Jew, a left-wing liberal intellectual, live on Central Park West, attend Brandeis University, attend a socialist summer camp, go on strike, and your father likes Ben Sean’s paintings, right? ...if you think I'm a complete idiot, you can interrupt me.
—Interestingly, I dated a lady from Eisenhower's team, not for a long time. It's really funny to me because what I want to do to her is exactly what Eisenhower has been doing to this country for the past eight years.
—Lyndon Johnson.
—Lyndon Johnson? Lyndon Johnson is a politician! You know the morals of those guys, they're a notch below child molesters.
- So everyone was involved in the conspiracy? The FBI, the CIA, John Edgar Hoover, and the oil companies, the Pentagon, plus the waiter in the White House bathroom?
- I think the waiter in the bathroom can rule it out.
—I'm so fed up with the fake discussions all night with people who do "dysentery" work.
- People who do "comment" work.
-Really? How did I hear that "comments" and "dissents" have been merged into "dysentery"?
— Two minutes ago, the Knicks had a 14-point lead, but now they are only 2 points ahead.
—Alvey, what’s so appealing about a bunch of pituitary-mutated freaks busy stuffing a ball into an iron circle?
— The attraction is that it is physical work. And so often when it comes to intelligence, intellectuals look brilliant, but they're not. Therefore, the body is never duplicitous.
—(Attempted to seek happiness) Why do you always relegate my animal instincts to the category of psychoanalysis?
—You play tennis well, but you drive the worst car I've ever seen in my life. Worst anywhere, Europe, UK, anywhere, Asia. But I like your dress.
—This tie was a gift from Grammy Hall.
-Who? Grammy? Who is Grammy Hall?
—It's my Grammy grandma.
-what happened? Did you grow up with Norman Rockwell paintings? Your Grammy grandma?
—Sylvia Plath, a poet with a lot of personality, her suicide tragedy is actually very romantic to some college girls.
—Some of her poems look elegant.
-Grace? I have to remind you that it is 1975. You know, elegance died out at the beginning of the century.
— (inner monologue) Oh my God, I sounded like FM radio. relax!
—Are you alright on Friday night?
-I? (surprise) Oh no!
—Oh, sorry, wait, I have something to do! What about Saturday night?
-No no.
-do you know? I haven't even taken a class on this.
—Listen, listen, kiss me.
-Really?
-why not? Because we'll be staying home late, won't we? We haven't kissed yet, so it's always a little uncomfortable, and I'm always thinking about when to kiss you or something. So let's kiss now, we can get over our nervousness, and we can go to dinner, okay? (kissing)
- Okay, now we can digest the food.
- (After sex) Like Balzac said: "This is a new novel."
- Great, isn't it?
-great? Yes, it's more than awesome, it's the greatest joy I've ever had without laughing.
— (smoking marijuana) Take a sip?
— No, I don't use any hallucinogens. Because I smoked it once before, at a party about five years ago.
-The results of it?
— Turns out I tried to get my pants off my head and got stuck in one of my ears.
— My apartment is small.
- I know it's small.
— and the water pipe is broken, and there are a lot of bugs.
—Broken pipes, lots of bugs, sounds like a bad thing. You know bugs are... Entomology is a rapidly evolving discipline.
-You don't want me to live with you?
- I don't want you to live with me? Who thought so?
-I.
—In fact, you thought so, but, I immediately agreed.
- You don't want us to look like we're married, do you?
— Is there any difference?
- You have your place, then there is a difference. Because it's there, even though we can leave it alone, we can leave it alone, but it's like a life raft on the water, and with it we know we're not married.
- That bastard teaches "The Contemporary Crisis of Western Men", what a rubbish course, unbelievable!
- Is it "The Existential Theme in Russian Literature"? What you said is so reliable!
— Is there any difference? It's some kind of spiritual blasphemy anyway.
—Oh yeah, we finally got to the topic you know about!
—Ahem, don’t belittle your self-blame! It was sex with someone I love.
—You know, when I was very young, I always found the wrong woman, and I think that's where my problem lies. When my mom took me to see Snow White, everyone fell in love with Snow White, but I fell in love with the wicked queen at first sight.
—Look at it! God came out of the men's bathroom.
-Where are the spiders? in the bathroom?
- In the bathroom. ...Cough, don't make it sloppy. After being beaten to death, flush the toilet twice with water.
—Honey, I have been killing spiders since I was 30 years old, are you relieved?
—I want you to see my house, I live next door to Hugh Hefner, Max, who allows me to use his Jacuzzi. And the women, Max, they're all just like the Playboy girls, except they move their hands and feet.
—I can't believe this is really Beverly Hills. God, it's so clean here.
- That's because people here don't throw garbage, they throw it all into TV shows.
— Now it's just an idea, and I think I can get the money to turn it into a concept and then turn it into an idea.
-which one?
- The one with "seeing the trouser line".
- "See the trouser line"?
- You can see the lines of the panties. Max, she is so beautiful.
—Yeah, she gets a 10, it's so important to you, because you're always looking for a 2, don't you?
—I haven't found one with only 2 points, Max.
—You're used to looking for the girl who walks through Central Park with shopping bags in her hands and a big doctor's mask on her face.
—Look, how about this pair?
—I think she's looking my way.
—If she came over, Max, my head would turn into guacamole.
- I'll deal with... Hi!
—Alvey, let’s face it. You know, I don't think our relationship will ever work out.
—I know, this relationship I think is like a shark, it has to keep swimming or it will die. I think we have a dead shark in our hands.
—Whose is this "The Catcher in the Rye"?
- If it has my name on it, I guess it's mine.
—Of course, you put your name on all my books because you expected this day to come sooner or later.
—Listen, all books on death are yours, all books on poetry are mine.
- Do you remember this "Rejection of Death"? This is the first book I bought you.
— Oh God, yes. Gosh, I feel a lot lighter on my back.
—Thank you, dear.
—Cough, this is mine, this badge, remember? ...I think, these are yours, "Impeach Eisenhower" "Impeach Nixon" "Impeach Lyndon Johnson" "Impeach Ronald Reagan"...
—I'm really happy to see Annie again. I realized what a wonderful person she was and what a pleasure it was to get to know her. I was reminded of that old joke, you know, a guy went to a psychiatrist and he said, "Doctor, my brother is crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor said, "Then why don't you take him Come?" The guy said, "I meant to bring him, but I need eggs." You see, I think that's how I feel about relationships right now, you know, it's totally irrational, Crazy, even ridiculous, but I think we're still going through it all because most of us need eggs.
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