There are many places that resonate strongly. Tell me a few details that impressed me the most.
When he talks about her advantages in the title, he praises her for being able to play with her children, always filling the refrigerator with food, and being a good mother and wife. For example, she is very good at opening bottle caps and dancing well. She is a good mother and wife. Charismatic man. But when he said that she gave up the film career to accompany him to do dramas for him, he just made a statement, without using a single word to express his recognition of her professional ability as an actor. He was all about her accessory qualities, not her core self-worth.
After deciding to divorce he received a MacArthur Grant (MacArthur Genius Award), her first reaction is still very happy for him, and sincerely praised him because he deserves his name because he is a genius. At this time, although she was proud of him, she was secretly envious, because she longed for her own honor, instead of always standing behind him as his foil. He said it was the result of our joint efforts. She seemed to smell a little bit of a turning point from this sentence. She replied, "but it belongs to you". On the one hand, she stated the facts, on the other hand, she expressed her envy and grievance. On the other hand, she was actually seeking a further expression of his attitude. And his reaction was as usual. Completely ignoring her emotions, saying that she is hungry, and then talking to herself about the prize money and his drama company. As if tacitly acknowledging that this award really belongs only to him, and what he just said was nothing more than a polite and stylized word of modesty. He did not see and recognize her contributions and her talents.
At that moment, the excitement she had just felt for him suddenly cooled down. Her expression was full of disappointment. She has not received confirmation of her recognition, and even her low mood has no legitimacy - how can a decent person be dissatisfied or unwilling to face his success, let alone this is her husband (although prepared divorced). However, the generation of such emotions already means that she has reconfirmed that the person in front of her is not an intersubjective community with her. The relationship between them, only his voice and his achievements, not hers. He did not and will not be on the same line with her, nor will he maintain and recognize her emotions and her abilities.
The thing that makes me cry the most is when the end credits repeat the line "Charlie takes all of my moods steadily. He doesn't give in to them or make me feel bad about them". When I first saw it, I thought that if my emotional control ability is so mature, and at the same time, I can take care of and appease each other's emotions, such a person will be a great partner (of course, it is impossible to only require one party, both parties need to have this awareness) Then in the end, I understood that he was able to be emotionally stable and "soothe" her because he was a superior.
Speaking of which, generally speaking, compared with the influence of the inferiors on the superiors, the superiors have a greater influence on the emotions of the inferiors. In fact, the superiors here can be understood in two ways. One is the superiors in power relations, and the other is the superiors at the level of emotional complexity and emotional experience, that is, they have stronger awareness and regulation of emotions.
The emotional influence of the superior person on the inferior person in a power relationship depends on the impact caused by the power difference. For example, in a relationship, if you love the other person more, you will be more likely to find that when the other person is emotional, you also It is easier to be influenced. You need to pay for his emotions, and you have to put in a lot of effort to make him happy (or not at all); and when you are dissatisfied with the other party, sometimes he only needs to show up, and you only need to flirt with a few words of comfort If you do, you can be warm and moved for a long time, and put the previous grievances to the sky. Because you have low expectations for him. Most of the time, you deal with and digest all the negative emotions caused by the other's indifference and lack of love. There is a lever between you. He can easily move your emotions, whether positive or negative, but it is more difficult for you to move his emotions. You need to pay more emotional care to make him feel satisfied. Of course, the inferior can also easily influence the superior, as long as he refuses to obey the established power relationship situation (in a long-term solidified relationship, it is not easy to choose resistance in the filter bonus of love and admiration) So before Charlie, who seems to be more stable and calmer, finds Nicole's resolute resistance to this situation, and his emotions will be as out of control as his superior situation.
On the other hand, people with richer and more complex emotional dimensions and emotional experience rely on a deeper awareness of emotions for the latter's emotional impact. They know empathy and understanding, so they know how to appease each other's unease and grievances. I initially thought Charlie was such a character, but it turned out not to be.
Charlie is a superior person in a power relationship, and he is either unaware or blind to Nicole's backlog of emotions and grievances. From the point of view of the superior in the power relationship, the emotions of the inferior are only petty. He can influence her emotions through the superior's strengths, but it's not based on empathy and understanding. He didn't know how to deal with emotions, and he didn't know how to take care of her feelings. No matter how gentle he treats her gaffe, he is still arrogant, indifferent and perfunctory.
All this is revealed in the scene of their quarrel. Because at this time he is no longer an absolute superior, because as a subordinate she suddenly awakened and broke their inherent power distribution in such a decisive way. His emotions were out of control, and he repeatedly used irresponsible language to define her (this is also what she said gaslighting. From here I see a desperate fact: how many people have lived their whole lives and still have zero empathy and communication skills. The most important purpose of understanding communication is not to deny the rationality of the other party's emotions. After actively acknowledging, acknowledging and understanding the other party's emotions, we should express our demands in a calm and objective, non-defining and non-blaming mode???) He finally vented his emotions freely by cursing her to death, and then squatted down and cried bitterly, and after enduring such a vicious curse from her dearest person, she started hugging him to comfort him without any accusation. She is the one who sees the pain of others and can let go of her own pain and grievances to care for each other, even if this person has just stabbed her. It is clear at a glance who is more able to empathize, and who is selfish and blindly immersed in his own logic and completely ignores the needs of his partner. He completely overturned the beautiful assumption I had of him from her initial compliment. This is the one that breaks my heart the most.
I've also seen comments from people saying she was wrong to find herself wanting herself after she got married. If you are a fool before you get married, you have to be a fool for the rest of your life? Those who marry a well-controlled silly white sweet vase and go home should be mentally prepared for silly white sweet to suddenly wake up and break free from your control in a lose-lose way? This kind of person who cannot tolerate the awakening of their partner's subjectivity is inherently inferior and conceited, and can never bear the pleasure and happiness brought by the emotional model of treating each other as equals, understanding and respecting each other.
View more about Marriage Story reviews
