In the decades before we got married, we were essentially learning how to be our own "kings."
We learn knowledge, we make like-minded friends, we participate in all kinds of social activities…
The ultimate goal is to create the self that you want, expressed in a catchphrase, that is, "become a better self".
Then we meet someone, get to know each other, fall in love, get married, live together, have differences, quarrel, reconcile, quarrel again, reconcile again... In this way, the cycle begins again and again, or the landslides and the marriage shatters.
Just like Nicole and Charlie in the movie, before they knew each other, Nicole was a movie actress with unlimited potential, and Charlie was a promising theater director; Nicole has a very harmonious family in Los Angeles, and has friends and circles who live and socialize together , Charlie loves New York and is the most authentic New Yorker.
After falling in love at first sight, Nicole followed Charlie to New York and gave up her role as a movie actress to become Charlie's royal drama actor.
It seems to be a choice for love, but in fact there are endless troubles.
Nicole felt "smaller" when she found out that people were introducing her as "the actress who played Charlie" without her own name. Many details gradually accumulated, until one day this "little" suddenly broke out and the marriage was in crisis.
Nicole blames Charlie for not valuing his own ideas, Charlie being selfish, and even "Charlie is so fused with his selfishness that it's hard to separate, hard to identify."
Charlie promised her to work in Los Angeles for a while, but never did it; Charlie promised Nicole to let her be the director she wanted to be, but it was always "next time".
Seeing the heart-rending quarrels in the movie, many couples in marriage feel deja vu and empathy. It was as if seeing his own marriage story being brought to the screen.
Especially in the famous 10-minute quarrel scene, many people were amazed in the comment area: "God, my husband/wife and I also used the same words when arguing..."
Here I can only sigh that director and screenwriter Noah Baumbach understands men and women trapped in marriage, to an extent comparable to that of Mr. Qian Zhongshu.
But during a fight, when you even curse the other person to death, the marriage is truly dead, right?
Another tearful part of the movie is the letters Nicole and Charlie wrote to each other. In the letters, everything they see and write is about each other's good, but they don't even want to take them in front of each other. read it out.
Once the crack is cast, it is difficult to repair.
We have to sigh that marriage is really a very, very complicated thing.
In a book called "The Law of Happy Marriage", there is such a sentence: "The most loving couple will have 200 thoughts of divorce and 50 impulses to strangle each other in their lives."
shudder.
British writer Charlotte Brontë said in "Jane Eyre": Love is a game, and it is necessary to remain on an equal footing and equal in strength with each other, in order to be able to depend on each other in the long run. Because an opponent who is too strong makes people tired, and an opponent who is too weak is tiresome.
Does the marriage relationship have to be tit-for-tat with each other, to distinguish strengths and weaknesses and winners and losers?
When quarreling in the past, the husband would always say: "Do you have to win the quarrel before you are willing to give up?"
I thought to myself: I quarreled with you, of course I have to fight to win, otherwise why quarrel?
After a long, long time, I realized that when the two parties in a marriage quarrel, there is not necessarily a winner or loser.
So where did Nicole and Charlie's marriage fail in the movie?
While watching this film, a novel and a song kept popping up in my head.
The novel is One Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf, one of my favorite authors, and there's a quote from the novel that I've loved for years: "It's more than anything else that a person can be who he is."
Here, the author does not define whether you are single or in a married relationship.
One song is "My Own Room" by Taiwan singer Tian Fuzhen (Hebe), which is my favorite. Hebe wrote the lyrics himself: "The high stage descends, and it takes off beautifully. What is true and what is false, don't close the door. Lie to myself. Let the luggage lie on the ground, the sore feet hang on the bed, and I just want to spend time in my room. I have no dreams, so what will happen. Maybe it's absurd, I just want to sing slowly and watch the ebb and flow outside the window Starlight. I have no desire to move, I just want to spend time in my room. I have no dreams, I don't want to go to the distance, I just want to stay in my heart. I have no dreams, I don't want to go to the distance, the most beautiful wandering is in my heart ."
Human life may have thousands of appearances, but there is only one extreme appearance: how lucky you are to be you.
Don't give up that whole self because of a love or a marriage. The ego doesn't speak, but when you keep letting it go, it stands up to defend its integrity, like Nicole did.
In a marriage relationship, when arguing, my mantra is often: "We are separate individuals..."
Calm down and think about it, no matter how vigorous love escorts, in marriage, everyone desires and has the right to become an independent individual first, and then play a role in the marriage relationship.
I just watched two episodes of the entertainment program "Tucao Conference" recently. There are a bunch of talk show CPs, Cheng Lu and Siwen. They are very interesting. Siwen wrote in the paragraph: "Is there a pure friendship between men and women? Yes, my husband and I are." She said that He Conquer turned the marriage relationship into a brother relationship, and it became a hot search for a while. But behind the funny, it is their profound understanding of marriage:
"Our understanding of husband and wife is to have enough independence, not to bind two people together and become one person."
When Siwen and Cheng Lu first got married, they also had a cold war for a while. They reflected on the reasons for the cold war and the unpleasantness:
"We used this period of time to learn independence. It's easy for people to become dependent after marriage, and they don't have to work too hard when they get married. Men are responsible for all women's lives and situations. But in fact, we are individuals, and we should be ourselves. Be responsible for".
In the eyes of the secular society, maybe Cheng Lu is not a good husband, but Siwen described her husband like this:
"But I think he is a very good husband, because he will give you a lot of freedom, and he understands any decision you make very well. I can really be happy, relaxed and relaxed with him."
What really supports the CP pair of Cheng Lu and Siwen is their underlying logic:
"In our hearts, we are all the way, understanding and supporting each other from the bottom of our hearts."
It's pointless to assume, but if we assume: Nicole didn't give up her film career and the city she loves for Charlie, who fell in love with 2 minutes; Charlie respected Nicole's idea of being a director and created an opportunity for her to play herself, Respecting Nicole's ideas when she wants to work in Los Angeles instead of taking it for granted that she should follow her to New York...
O my god, never lose yourself because of a marriage.
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