I have been thinking about this article for a long time, and I finally wrote it today. For you, but also in memory of an old man we love dearly - my grandfather, your great grandfather. He left this world more than a month ago. This is a profound farewell, so profound that we will miss it for the rest of our lives.
Today, your dad and I took the time to watch a movie "CoCo", the Chinese name is "Dream-hunting Travel Notes". This is a cartoon produced by Pixar. When you are older, I will watch it with you.
I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.
I think of Grandpa, I think of you, I think of our home.
Before my grandfather left, I had a very complete family. He grew up to 31 years old under the love of his grandparents and grandparents. Of course you are also happy, how perfect the four generations are in the same house. Grandpa is 90 years old, sickness took him away, on October 22, 2017.
So I experienced an unprecedented ritual—it was a long, painful, Chinese farewell. This process took something from my body, it's hard to say what, but it did.
I finally understand what real loss is.
Grandpa is very kind, and there is no memory of him losing his temper in my mind. He always smiles and loves us juniors. When I was very young, I cried because the balloon burst, and he would give me 5 bucks to buy another one. (In those days, 5 yuan was a huge sum of money!) He would take my cousin and I to the Ruhe community to buy pancakes and fruit, which were hot and fragrant. When you bite into it, the crispy crackles exploded in your mouth, overflowing with happiness. He remembered that I loved squid, and every time I ate hot pot at home, I always put squid in my bowl. When I was in high school, he would secretly stuff me pocket money every month. Before going to college, I went to say goodbye to him, and he solemnly gave me a party constitution. When I learned that I had really joined the Party, he happily gave me a bonus—grandpa was a soldier who joined the Party before liberation. When I was in kindergarten, the teacher asked my grandfather what did he do? I said, grandpa is a veteran cadre. Yes, when I was born, he was already living in the dry house. The turmoil of the first half of his life is over, and we are the witnesses of his survival.
Later, I went to Beijing to study and then returned to Zhengzhou to settle down. As he got older, hospitalization became the norm. We met in many wards in various wards of the 153 Hospital. Internal medicine, gastroenterology, and high-level wards. He has the habit of smoking, and in the last days of his life, when he wakes up occasionally, he will try to put two fingers up, wanting a cigarette.
I kept a free parking ticket in and out of the hospital in my car - a memento of the last trip.
That night, when the ward was cleaned up, everyone left. In the dark, I am the only one alone. I sat alone in the driver's seat and turned on the lights to illuminate the road ahead.
Whoever is lonely at the moment
will wake up forever alone, read, write long letters,
I go to Starbucks, which is about to close, and drink a latte that has not melted. Buy a bottle of Erguotou at a 24-hour convenience store, wash your hands, break the bottle, and go home. You are already asleep, so peaceful and sweet, undisturbed.
I write a eulogy. Bring it to Dad the next day. Our father and daughter were sitting in a room on the second floor of my grandfather's house. My father, who hadn't helped me revise my composition for 20 years, read this special essay carefully. He is very happy, I understand him.
My father is the eldest son of my grandfather and was almost born in North Korea. At the age of 15, he left home thousands of miles to join the army in Kunming. For many years, he was independent and stoic, just like his grandfather. Their father and son, like most fathers and sons of that era, were used to being serious, but in recent years, they have gotten older, and instead, they have become more idle chatter. When Grandpa left, when Mom and Dad were on duty, it must have been God's intention.
Early in the morning when grandpa was sent away, we just arrived at the compound, and when we got up, the dawn broke loudly, and the sun rose as usual.
When you were born, grandpa's health was not as good as before, but he still visited the ward in person for the first time. In the few days when you refused to come out of my stomach, he called three times a day and asked when I was born - his ears were not very good, and he had to communicate it loudly from grandma. He witnessed your full moon, 100 days, and one year old. He's an old urchin and will play with you in his own way. I even want to feed you noodles without teeth - because I'm afraid you'll be hungry.
In the past two years, we have celebrated his diamond wedding with his grandmother, celebrated his 90th birthday (you did too! The beaming performance is excellent), celebrated all the festivals worth celebrating, and had a reunion dinner full of children and grandchildren. He probably left without regret.
Actually, I'm not the kind of granddaughter who grew up with my grandparents. My own house and my grandfather's house are separated by some distance. It used to take more than an hour to ride the long-braided tram. So from childhood to adulthood, every time I go back to that familiar little courtyard, I seem to be going to a joyous feast. Cherries in spring, grapes in summer, pomegranates, apples and dates in autumn, as well as flowers and plants in all seasons, although there is no lack of experience of fighting and arguing with brothers and sisters, happiness always prevails. This is the big family! The blood vessels are connected until death.
Dear Fanta, one day we will all go to another world. After watching "CoCo", you will know that the other side is also a prosperous realm. As long as it is not forgotten, we will continue to live happily together. In the future, if you want, you will have your own children, grandchildren... just like CoCo will be Miguel's great-great-grandmother. But no matter what, you will always be the soft glutinous meat ball that my father and I held in our arms.
All you have to do is to remember these stories about our family that have happened with your heart.
It is the bridge connecting the other shore with this shore.
I will also try to record, so that we can meet again after a separation.
Good night, sweet dreams. My little baby.
Love from
Mom2017.11.29
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