Yes. I have those childhood dreams again.
Dreaming Mom is back in her best years, riding an old-fashioned 28 Phoenix bike.
I sat in front, the sun was shining, the tree shadows were mottled, and I looked up at her face in a blur.
Mom, Mom
"I gave your mom a blind date and found you a father."
I was furious when I heard the news.
Saying these things, I am not missing anything. I don't want this, vulgar man, to be my father.
Mother is slowly getting old. Gradually, I changed from being a staff member to playing mahjong for entertainment only, and didn't care what I did.
Now, getting older and more and more emotionally dependent on me. Fully focused on me.
But it was too late.
I understand that parents are human too, and they also make some unintentional mistakes in their lives.
They are also unable to control themselves. Just as you don't have a life mentor who keeps telling you what's right and what's wrong,
neither do they.
I used to have a magician friend who helped me fortune-telling. There is a saying in Phi Yu,
"Independence, I don't like being ordered by others, and I don't like commanding others."
I don't know if it's right or not.
But I believe that all of this has a causal relationship with the
2
dreaming about the father yesterday. Dreaming of finally returning home.
The ex-girlfriend who once made me feel loved, married me.
If you want to live and buy a house, you will feel that what an ethereal dream cannot bring you
is the security of real life. Deep subconsciously, I am still afraid of social denial.
Dreaming of my father's trembling fingers, they told me.
"You've been away from home for so many years, and you're finally back. We don't want to lie to you. Your dad has Alzheimer's, and his time is running out."
I dreamed that my ex-girlfriend hugged me tightly at night. Dream about restless breathing.
3
In the 1960s, my grandfather went to Yunnan to jump in line.
Dad didn't want to study because he wanted to take grandpa's class. Did not go to school after graduating from high school.
All that was left of his school days was a dream of Red Mansions that was accidentally soaked in water.
On it is written "a dream for a thousand years, a thousand years and what is there".
The words are pretty nice.
In the 1990s, my aunt went to sea to do business.
Dad worked with her for two years. Did not receive any payment.
After a quarrel with his mother, he went north to work. It was also the only time my parents quarreled in my memory.
The impression my father gave me was the cigarette butts looming in the yard on the summer night after their quarrel.
his entire life.
For years to come, I don't remember his phone number.
Sometimes it is not clear which city he is in.
I often reflect on it, but I don't know if this is a lack,
because I haven't lived someone else's life.
Although I often dream, someone shakes my shoulder and says
you lack love, you lack love!
However, no one likes Gu Ying's self-pity.
The state-owned enterprise went bankrupt, and the mother lost her job. Migrant workers tide, father went north.
On my mother's last business trip, I was boarding at my aunt's house.
When my mother came back from a business trip, I called and was asked to stand in front of her and confess.
I stole a few bucks from my cousin's piggy bank to buy a little racing car.
My uncle and little cousin hate me very much. I don't know if it was before or after this.
Because of the family planning policy and the sudden death of my grandmother, after
my sister was fostered with my uncle in Yunnan, it was turned into an adoption.
Since then, in my thinking, there is a real sister of mine that I have never met.
It is said that I met once when I was ten years old. Discord.
When I was eighteen, I went to Yunnan alone for graduation and some other reasons.
Still do not like or not used to this sister.
I secretly bought a ticket in Lijiang and fled after saying it.
4
When talking with a friend, the friend said
"you are selfish"
maybe he meant too much attention to himself.
But I'm also sick of this moral judgment.
It's cool to judge others on the moral high ground.
"Political correctness" always feels good,
but that doesn't dispel doubts,
both, "yes, but it doesn't work" nonsense.
5
The echo of history is the mutual reflection and symphony of the fate of individuals and families and the trends and movements of the whole society.
I can't say exactly whether people's fate is lucky or unfortunate.
Thousands of families are the same, their destiny to be dominated and ruled, there are too few possibilities.
Human beings are miserable and lonely, and even the simplest happiness within reach is impossible for one reason or another.
I feel sad for all those who are sad. I feel lonely for all the lonely ones. Everyone needs to be comforted.
In the dream of waking up crying late at night, did one of your professors Hannibal ask you:
"Well, Clarice - have the lambs stopped screaming?"
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