When I slowly spit this question out of my mouth, to be honest, I was a little confused, it was so difficult that I didn't have a clue. As one of the three major problems of philosophy, it stands side by side with "Where did you come from?" and "Where are you going?", and I just find it the most difficult.
Knowing yourself is always the hardest.
I tried to start answering little by little, but the real answering process was by no means something I could do with just a few keystrokes on the keyboard in an afternoon. I may have to go through a little more, getting closer and closer to this answer. Maybe a few years, maybe a lifetime, I don't know how long. Life is impermanent, "I" walks in time, every footprint that falls, its depth, its size, and its position are different. Everywhere on the trajectory is changing, "I" has always been the me at the starting point, and "I" has always been no longer the original "I".
I can only try to describe myself at this stage. It is difficult to say whether it is accurate or not, but at least it is known.
Freud divided the structure of human nature into three dimensions: id, ego, and superego. And at my current stage, I can only respond to the best of my ability in this dimension of "self".
First of all, I have to admit that, like thousands of people, I am a mayfly in the world and a drop in the ocean. The crowd is surging, the kind of inconspicuous person who might be submerged one day, maybe it's me.
Like everyone else, I ride in the same car, wear the same clothes, drink the same carbonated drinks, and eat the same junk food. Sleep the same, live in the same house, speak the same words, and do the same things. We are so similar: laugh when we are happy, cry when we are sad, irritable when we are angry, and tremble when we are afraid. Can be in a daze, can also be crazy; can hum a ditty, can whistle; can watch TV, can chat on the Internet; can sleep, can daydream;
Like everyone else, I am a toy made from a mold, a product made by an assembly line. I live a busy life all day long, and work hard and study hard for the future. I'm happy to put a "qualified" label on it, and I'm extremely proud of the various labels posted on my forehead. I'm secretly glad that I'm similar to others instead of a big difference.
I know I'm vulgar.
In the movie Fight Club, there is a monologue, "You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. We are all part of the same compost heap.” (You are not a special person, you are not a beautiful, unique snowflake, you are the same organic matter as other creatures. No difference.)
It's you and me. You and I, who were born in this world, are mortals.
But vaguely, I felt that I was different from the people around me. Perhaps our lifestyles and growth trajectories are the same, but how can our ambitions and life situations be the same. There are thousands of people and thousands of ways to live. Even if I am a member of all living beings, even if I am an ordinary person, even if I am an ordinary person with little talent, I still exist as an independent individual.
I am the only one in the world. Mortals are just my skin or identity and have never been rooted in my soul.
I am a firework of different colors, a lonely and beautiful snowflake. In my soul house, a group of different people live.
The one who was holding a map by the window and kept looking through the binoculars was a traveler who was interested in all new things and liked to travel around the world. For him, travel can expand the horizon, the horizon can expand the mind, and expanding the mind is exactly what one should pursue in life. Although everyone is just a piece of dust in the vast world, their hearts can be very big, and it is no exaggeration to be as big as the universe. Every corner of the world has its own unique beauty, all kinds of touching things are happening, and there are groups of kind people living in them. If he can feel them through his eyes, then take them into his heart. , Then, he felt that this life was very beautiful.
The girl who stood in front of the bookcase and turned her head down, nodding and smiling from time to time, was still a student. She and the traveler are good friends. Because they have a common dream - to comprehend the world and open up their minds. It's just that one is horizontal and the other is vertical; one is through his own eyes, and the other is through the brushstrokes of others. Travel and books can bring us closer to the real world. What is the real world like, how wonderful the world is, she wants to know.
The one who was lying on the sofa, staring at the screen intently, the one whose eyes were wet from time to time, and the one who wiped his tears with a tissue, was an adolescent girl. She is watching the French love movie Jeux d'enfants (two little ones without guessing), and she is sad because the hero and heroine have been in love for ten years but dare not admit their love to each other, and sighs at the self-destructive ending of the hero and heroine. "Love me, if you dare..." she muttered to herself, repeating the most heart-wrenching line in the entire play. Like all girls, she loves romance, looks forward to love, and longs for one person for the rest of her life.
The middle-aged woman who was wearing meticulous clothes and banging her calculator was an old accountant. She is serious and rigorous in her work, and her organization is clear, but she is also very rigid and does not know how to adapt. In short, is a very traditional woman. Taurus, she is still sensitive to numbers, so she entered the accounting profession. She likes to digitize everything in her life. When she counts calories, she has to be paranoid to the gram. When shopping, she can automatically generate a meter in her mind. Cost-effectiveness is one of the important criteria for her shopping. Keeping accounts, checking exchange rates, looking at stock prices, looking at interest rates, for her, status is no different from eating and sleeping.
The one who was in front of the desk, with his head down and writing quickly, was a reporter who had just entered the industry. He likes writing, and he likes to pay attention to the little by little changes in society. He believes that the pen is not necessarily an invisible sword, but also armor. Like many young people, he is full of blood, full of sense of justice, and believes that this society will become better and better. He is willing to be a witness and recorder of social changes, and is willing to accompany the society to grow together.
That silly guy who patted his thighs and laughed while watching "Crayon Shin-chan" is an unemployed vagabond. To put it mildly, it is a freelancer. Maybe he doesn't have other people's clothes and food, but he has a lot of time that no one else has. Well, in the realm of time, he is an upstart. He has a lot of time to do what he likes to do. What makes him different from others is that most of the time, he can laugh or make trouble, sing when he wants, and sleep when he wants. Although he can only have food and clothing, he is very happy. He said that life should be fun in time, and he said that people should love their current life.
The one who sometimes looked at the table full of photos with a smirk, sometimes stood in front of the wardrobe door, looked at the full cabinet of clothes and fell into contemplation, is a fledgling photographer and clothing designer. She likes to match and record all beautiful things. Her painting style is not good and her creativity is not good, so she cannot become a designer. But her sense of beauty is still sharp, and she is accurate in color and grasp. Shopping, taking good-looking photos, looking at clothing store windows, and collecting design sketches can make her happy.
The one who was holding the snacks, teasing the child while laughing and jumping around, was the busiest and funniest old urchin. In fact, he is very stubborn, so stubborn that he only follows his own principles in most cases. He never tried to convince others of his views, nor did he argue or question other people's theories. It's just that when the concept is very different from others, he walks away wisely, holding the argument that "Tao is different and not conspiracy". Some people laugh at him for being stupid, laugh at him for not compromising, laugh at him for only keeping the self-righteousness in his heart but losing a lot. Every now and then, he would reply you with a hilarious smile: "People laugh at me too crazy, I can't see through laughing at others."
The one who tapped the keys and sang in a low voice was a geisha. She is mediocre in appearance, and always wears a veil to show people where the fish and the dragon are mixed. When the audience looked at her, her eyes flickered, her bowed eyebrows were full of embarrassment, and behind the embarrassment was an unmistakable state of inferiority. When the audience looked away, she raised her head and looked at everyone present from the corner of her eye. She can accurately capture every detail, every frown, every sigh, she has a panoramic view. She likes to observe the outside world in a closed self-space. Most of the time, she only believes in herself.
...
Traveler, schoolgirl, young girl, old accountant, journalist, homeless person, photographer, geisha, nine characters are undoubtedly me, but not the whole me. If I cut my personality into small pieces, they must dominate one of them. I know very well that there may be thousands of villains living in my soul. After all, humans are extremely complex animals, and it is no exaggeration to say that one person has many faces.
If you think about it, I'm really special.
In the movie Fight Club it says, "I wasn't really dying. I wasn't host to cancer or parasites. I was the warm little center. That the life of this world crowded around." It's a parasite. I'm just a small center, the center of life crowded around.)
I like this statement: I'm just a small center, the center of life crowded around.
I am not special, but I am special.
I am who I am.
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