It's all my goddamn brother who becomes the one-eyed monster. After I became a monster, I was talked about and laughed at by all kinds of people, and even children dared to tease me openly. I became so inferior that I covered my ugly eyes with my hair. I've been praying to God that I'm willing to use everything I can trade to make mine look good. Such a desire was stronger than ever when the fool handed me the picture with the beautiful eyes. I know that I like fools, but I thought fools would only like to paint themselves. I'm really ashamed to talk about masturbating with a puppy. However, I am also a normal woman, and I also long to be comforted and embraced. Only in front of a fool would I so brazenly tell him the secret between me and my puppy. I have really done my first time to a fool, because I know that this man likes me as much as I like him. It's just that God seems to be against me on purpose, those two bastards spoiled me. I originally thought that XXOO was a wonderful thing, but the only thing I felt that night was pain in my lower body. Under the body of those two bastards, I could hear the piercing cry of the fool outside, I don't know why I didn't cry. All I could think about was the two mating dogs I saw on the road earlier. I wasn't as flustered as I thought, I went on with my school life, I tried to keep everything the same as before. When I have nothing to do, I go to the playground to see those tall foreign men, I think I am just bored.
That American man, no, I think I should call him boy. He's so childlike, he's always looking for warmth. And I, I don't know if it's to thank him or because of pity that he will always be on him. There is another very important reason, I think it is because the fool doesn't want me anymore. When I pulled up my hair and stood beautifully in front of the fool, the fool turned his head away without giving me a second look. Is he really an idiot, or does he think I'm a piece of shit and doesn't want to love me anymore? There is no fool, I am lonely. I've been playing around with this damn GI, and I've always believed he wasn't bad by nature. Even though he made me do drugs, even though he was a lot to my opponents, I always thought he was a poor good guy. I also thought that I would go to America with him, be his wife, be his wife. I really fell into this big boy world at one point and I thought we were in love. But the example of the bastard mother reminds me again and again not to daydream.
Finally, I woke up. I've been toyed with, I'm just a plaything with a name on it at the end. Faced with the accusations of "not knowing gratitude and being ungrateful", I don't feel heartache. I originally thought that I was a victim in love, and I should be very sad. When I got the knife in my hand, I realized that my heart was full of hatred, and I hated how I became what I am now. In the end, I found that if my eyes were the same as before, maybe everything would be the same as before. The fool will come back and continue to love me. So, I stabbed the tip of the knife deep into that eye. It's weird, I don't have pain, all I have is a long breath. I felt that I was liberated, and I felt that there was nothing on my body and my heart at once, and I suddenly felt relieved. The world seems to have suddenly become clean again, and I miss this world where one eye can't see clearly.
See the fool again, we have been separated by an iron fence. When the fool gently lifted the hair that covered my eyes and saw my original appearance, the fool cried, and so did I. I don't know why the fool is crying, maybe it's because I'm back, maybe it's because I think of the hardships I've suffered before, maybe it's because we meet like this now, maybe... And I, I just saw The fool cried, so he chose to cry. We all know that we will never go back.
I don't know if it was the original intention that God made me find hope in despair and pushed me from hope to hopelessness. However, reality tells me that I have been living this way. I don't know what else I will encounter in the future, and I don't know when and where the next hope will appear, and I don't know what the next despair will be. I just know that I will live and face all the hope and despair in life with a hopeless mentality.
I, who have officially started to step into the big dye vat of society, have been constantly tormented by "hope" and "despair" recently. Although I keep telling myself, I still have to live with hope! Sometimes life is like a bitch, trying every means to get you to fuck her, and when you finally run out of passion, she will ruthlessly throw you aside. At that time, do you still remember the simple and kind self you used to be? Even if we go back to the original place, put on the original clothes, eat the original food... Anyway, there is a fact we have to admit, we can't go back, forever!
Everyone is not perfect, more or less flawed. Like a one-eyed girl, like a fool, like a bastard, maybe the body is disabled, maybe the brain is disabled, maybe the whole person has problems. We live in this world and face the ridicule and trampling of different people every day. My brother once told me that in the big mill of society, either you grind others or you are grinded by others. And I've always wanted to be a grinder.
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