I really feel the same way about Duanhua. I just couldn’t accept that I didn’t become the self that I should be, but to be honest, the self that I should be came from the society, parents, teachers, classmates, everyone told me, What should you do..., well, I thought they were right, and I thought so too, that's what good people choose to do, but the truth never came from my inner self, and I never did. I did not recognize my true self, so that when my wish could not be achieved, I fell into a deep sense of self-blame and uselessness, and I began to be depressed and resisted, unable to start again.
So at that stage, my cupboard was full of alcohol, and I used alcohol to get temporary peace and forget all my troubles; I also kept changing boyfriends to prove my worth, "look at me really attractive", to get a false sense of satisfaction. This is really a disease. I once sent out a distress signal, but no one could help me. The elders laughed softly, "You are so young, what troubles do you have?"
After a long year of morbid life, in September 2021, I met a strange man who played with me in an extremely abusive manner, but I still cared about him very much, and even took the initiative to admit my mistake, so that in the end, I lived for the first time in so many years. Once I was so angry that I cried, you said I really liked this man, absolutely not, I just wanted to grab something so much that I let him hurt me at will, I hated and aggrieved, but also had a little hope. After crying I suddenly realized what the hell was wrong with me? Why am I doing this? I don't think I have any idea who I am anymore... This incident slapped me hard and completely slapped me awake. When I think about this experience now, I still feel angry, but more of it is to feel sorry for the old self, the self who had no bottom line and was hurt at will by others.
Since then, I have started to re-understand myself, and learned to accept myself, the stupid things I have done, my imperfections, the environment I am in, no more blaming others, no more self-denial, no rush to prove myself. It's me, not what other people think I am. I started to walk again, live a good life, sealed the wine, deleted all those meaningless men, focused on my own business, no longer obsessed with being the person others thought was excellent, I found what I wanted to do , worked hard for the examination, prepared for the interview, and finally got the staged results. That feeling is really great. At the same time, I also have a new understanding of feelings. For now, I will never put my feelings in a very important position. I believe that if I keep myself in the relationship, I will never meet the kind of man I used to be, and then I will no longer have too high expectations for my partner. I will learn to love myself. I will still be willing to take the initiative to approach someone I like. If someone is willing to take the initiative to love me, then I will cherish it.
People live not to be what they want to be, but to figure out what they want to be, from the heart, and at the same time to find their own value, which can be to the society, to their family... This is not to prove something to the world, but to act as a A person is bound to have a connection with the world. What kind of connection is up to you. People always have to find that balance point, and the whole society needs that balance point. Everything has two sides, so there is never good or bad. .
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