A post-90s girl lost her love and asked me for emotional counseling. I accompanied her through one extremely painful time period after another. She is venting to me her pain that life is better than death, and I am suffering from piles of emotional garbage... She has been divorced for two years, and so far she can't get out: flash marriage, pregnancy, divorce between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, husband's domestic violence, accident Miscarriage, pissed off divorce... The divorce took only half a year, and the ex-husband had a high-profile "second marriage", and soon had a baby... She couldn't take it down in one breath, and she couldn't sleep at all. Squint for a while, rightly relying on the role of melatonin. She can't go to work normally and can't socialize healthily. She suspects she has "broken heart syndrome" because she often feels chest pains and can't breathe. Occasionally, she would suddenly scream like a wolf in front of me, tugging at her long hair, or slap her face... After I saw that I hugged her and encouraged her to stabilize, Learn to hug herself. She said, "I know everything, but I just can't do it. I don't know if I don't understand, when will God give him retribution?"
Looking at this poor young girl, I couldn't bear to say things that irritate her. I tried my best to give her an opportunity to release her negative emotions, and at the same time I whispered in her ear: " You will definitely get better, you will definitely get better. Live a life that is thousands of times better than you are now, and you will reap the compensation from God. I know you can't believe what I say now, so let me believe it for you!" The girl burst into tears and finished crying. Then started chattering again. No matter what she is chattering about is the sweetness of the past or the grief and anger later, I know that she still can't let go of the love and hatred for her ex. When can she let go? It may take half a year, a year, or even more than a year. However, time will eventually make the injured forget the fragmented experience, and also restore their confidence and smile to welcome the rising sun the next day. It's just that before they have the ability to come out, no one is qualified to criticize them.
I often hear a sentence: "The past is over, what are you still thinking about?"
This sentence has not only appeared in my ears, but also in the ears of people I know. Of course, the person who said this may not be really strong. They just can't empathize with the pain of others. When they saw the tragic situation of "Xianglin's Wife" in front of them, they threw out all kinds of condescending "Mother's arguments" without thinking about it: "Be open-minded and don't care about everything"; "Those who are truly blessed know how to be tolerant"; " Be grateful to those who have hurt you, they will make you stronger"; "Let go when it's time to let go, and forgive others and forgive others"; "It's his fault for him to hurt you, and your revenge is your narrow-mindedness"; "You have to die, and I can't help it"...
Of course, I don't deny that what they said was more "politically correct". In life, no one is immune to harm in interpersonal relationships. The best antidote to healing a wounded heart is forgiveness. It's just that the word "forgiveness" means "forbearance" or "forget it" in the understanding of most people. When it comes to "forbearance", the ancient sages who coined the word were really wise, and explained it as "the word forbearance is a knife in the heart". When the blade cuts through your heart alive, you actually feel painless and relieved. All I can say is that you're either bragging or a masochist. When it comes to "forget it", it's just a compromise of the victim's unchangeable status quo. Any compromise is bound to hold a mouthful of suffocation. It was nothing more than diverting his attention later and temporarily turning over the past of being bullied. Once God gives you a chance for revenge, do you dare to say that you will be merciful and won't retaliate with the way of others?
What do we Chinese like to brag about the most? Not that "a gentleman takes revenge, ten years is not too late". Why are martial arts novels so popular? It's not that those stories about national hatred and family hatred, children's hatred and grievances are interesting. If you provoke me, I will go up the mountain to practice; if you harm me, I will go down the mountain to take revenge. You have persecuted me to the extreme for your own selfish interests, and when I return from my studies, I will put white knives in and red knives out to your whole family. Didn't the Golden Snake Lord in "Blood Sword" play like this; didn't Lin Pingzhi in "The Swordsman" do it like this... Do you dare to say that you are not happy or happy when you watch them take revenge?
Not only martial arts writers have this attitude, but also Danish director Lars von Trier. He told a story through the movie "Dog Town": Grace, a beautiful girl, couldn't bear to see what her father, the boss of the gang, did, and came to a lonely little mountain village alone. There are only a dozen families and a dog in the small mountain village. Folk customs seem to be simple, but they actually contain evil intentions. Grace begged the villagers to take her in and settle down in the village. The villagers agreed, but asked Grace to work for every household in the village in order to gain the right to live. Grace worked diligently for them. However, they gradually pushed their noses to their faces, pressing Grace even harder. Later, it developed that every adult man in the village raped Grace, and the young children also took pleasure in bullying her. Grace has been reduced from a noble and holy girl like a fairy to a dog in the eyes of the villagers. They put her on a leash and deprived her of her freedom of movement. If her father hadn't found this place, Grace might have died.
Grace, who was rescued by her father, didn't think about forgiveness. Her father provoked her with ice-cold language: "Grace, you are so arrogant. When people make mistakes, you must punish and blame them. If you don't punish, you don't give them a chance to know they are wrong; you forgive them, yes Because you think your morals are higher than others, this is arrogance!" Grace disagreed. She is a devout Christian who believes in God's righteousness. She is diligent, kind, generous, upright, willing to give, and she abides by moral standards in everything she does. She in turn asked her father: "Why can't I forgive?"; "Why can't I be merciful?" Her father told the truth: "My dear child, you will never forgive yourself for the same reason."
The wicked sexually assaulted you. If you are a prostitute with a promiscuous private life, it’s okay to say, the problem is that you are a pure and clean virgin.
The wicked are violent to you. If you are a murderer who is guilty of heinous crimes and has a life debt, it is okay to say, but the problem is that you are an innocent person who has no blood in his life.
The wicked will trap you in a corner. If you owe him money, lack his affection, cheat him, or fail him, it is easy to say, but the problem is that you owe him nothing, and you are inexplicably hurt.
At this time, you still have to forgive each other from the bottom of your heart? How do you deal with the tortured self?
Besides, does the person who hurt you need you to forgive him?
The Korean movie "Miryang" gives the answer: they don't need it at all.
A middle-aged widow brought her son back to Miryang, the hometown of her deceased husband, to prepare a piano class to earn a living. As a result, his son was kidnapped and killed for showing off his wealth. The widow collapsed instantly and fell into a spiritual abyss where life is worse than death. Under the guidance of Christian friends and neighbors, the widow believed in God and was temporarily relieved. Because God advocates " forgive your enemies and give them love", the widow gathers courage and goes to the prison to meet the murderer. But before she could fully express that she had let go of her grievance of losing her son, the murderer took the lead and said, "I also believe in God, and God has forgiven me." The widow was struck by lightning. She couldn't figure out why she hadn't forgiven the murderer, so the murderer could find the redemption of her soul? If God's salvation is really like letting the sun shine on the good people and the bad people at will, where is the justice? Where is justice? The widow lay on the ground and asked God loudly: I haven't forgiven me yet, how can you forgive me? !
God did not answer her, let her go to the church like a madman, let her seduce the pastor like a slut, let her commit suicide and be sent to a mental hospital. Finally, the widow was at peace. She admitted the truth that she had been avoiding: it turned out that her husband had betrayed her when she was alive; her family was very indifferent to her and didn't care about life and death; she was not rich at all, and the level of teaching piano was extremely bad... In fact, she lived a very unsuccessful life, but the more unbearable the reality, the more she had to bluff. Including her trust in God at first, she just wanted to prove to the people around her that she was not defeated by this series of hardships; including her forgiving criminals, just to prove to the church members that she is not nothing.
Only when a person thinks he has nothing can he truly humble himself and cry out to God for help. If God wants to save a person, he must first let him see his true face clearly, admit his incompetence and inadequacy, and then he will use his power to heal him.
People who can't forgive others, except for Jiang Ge's mother and Bai Bingbing, who have suffered so much pain and can't think of it, are mostly proud and conceited people. Because of his pride, his heart is extremely inflated, and he cannot allow his own interests to be violated, let alone lose face when he compares with the outside world. Whether it is Grace in "Dogtown" or the widow in "Miryang", they are all trying to prove themselves better than others in extreme ways. After Grace was pointed out by her father that she liked her "self-righteous" attitude, she said nothing, picked up the pistol and slaughtered the villagers one by one, in order to vent her long-suppressed hatred; after the widow saw that the criminal had gained inner peace, Taking anger on God and Christians, hysterically trying to prove everything is a lie. How can they talk about true forgiveness without reflecting on their own problems?
A person who can truly forgive others’ sins must be someone who is willing to restore the truth and admit that he is limited and needs to learn and help. Just like the girl born in the 90s at the beginning, she has always put herself in the perspective of a victim, and shifted all the responsibility for the failure of the marriage to the man. But no matter how scumbag, rotten and shameless the man is (not necessarily the truth), her last marriage is over, and what she should face is how to stop her fantasies about her ex. As long as she can't let go one day, she will frequently think about the past and cry bitterly, and she will frequently face the painful feeling of being abandoned. Based on this, it is difficult for her to forgive her ex, let alone herself. Because she couldn't forgive, she was full of resentment, and because she was full of resentment, she had problems with her health. Because of health problems, she was even more indignant, and a series of vicious circles emerged.
Honestly, forgiveness is a hard thing to do. But forgiveness is a skill that can be exercised. If you want to forgive, you must understand the true meaning of forgiveness: Forgiveness does not mean agreeing with the other party’s mistakes, nor does it mean exempting the other party from legal and criminal responsibilities for the crime, or even reconciling with the other party. The essence of forgiveness is that the victim can use a heart that sympathizes with each other and himself to clear the bitterness in his heart, so as to write off the shadow of the past.
Otherwise, you will have a harder life without forgiveness.
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