Three

Jack Lucas: You're on the air, caller.

Edwin: Hello, Jack, it's Edwin.

Jack Lucas: Oh, it's Edwin! Edwin, we haven't heard from you in, what, a day? I've missed you.

Edwin: I've missed you too, Jack.

Jack Lucas: So, it's sunrise confession time, Ed, what've you got for us?

Edwin: Um, I went to this bar, this very, you know, hard-to-get-into place called Babbitt's.

Jack Lucas: Oh. Yeah, I know the place, it's one of those chic yuppie watering holes.

Edwin: Well, I met this beautiful woman...

Jack Lucas: [groans] Come on, now, Ed. If you start, uh, telling me you're falling in love again, I'm going to have to remind you of that time we made you propose to that, uh, checkout girl at Thrifty's that you liked so much, you remember her reaction?

[door slamming is heard with woman screaming sound effects; Jack's crew make disgusted noises]

Edwin: She was just a girl...

Jack Lucas: Uh-huh.

Edwin: ...this is a beautiful woman.

Jack Lucas: Yeah, and "Pinocchio" is a true story. Ed, you're never going to get this tart to your dessert plate.

Edwin: No, this is different...

Jack Lucas: Edwin.

Edwin: She likes...

Jack Lucas: Edwi-- hey!

[whistles]

Jack Lucas: Hey! Edwin! Hey, c'mon now, I told you about these people, they only mate with their own kind, it's called "yuppie inbreeding". That's why so many of them are retarded and wear the same clothes. They're not human, they don't feel love, they only negotiate "love moments". They're evil, Edwin, they're repulsed by imperfection, horrified by the banal, everything that America stands for, everything that you and I fight for! They must be stopped before it's too late! It's us or them!

Edwin: [quietly] OK, Jack.

Jack Lucas: Alright. Well, it's been a thrill. As always, have a perfect day. Everyone here at the Jack Lucas Show says bye. This is Jack Lucas, so long, arrivederce; I'll be sending you a thought today as I lie in the back of my stretched limo having sex with a teenager of my choice, and that thought will be, "Thank God I'm me".