self study of death

Very good very good movie. In a movie, the children of single-parent families are carefully discussed in the face of their parents' remarriage and death. Death in particular, which Americans really enjoy discussing and have the courage to throw all of this on a child. I also watched "My Family Bought a Zoo" today, all showing how children face the departure of their mothers. Westerners view death more open-mindedly, while Chinese are accustomed to avoid talking about it. Recently, however, there has been news of the death of a relative of a familiar person. Seeing how strong they are, and thinking that as I get older, the topic of death will come up more and more frequently, and it reappears by my side, I feel overwhelmed. The final funeral was a real cry. I know that my preparation and attitude towards death is far less than this child. I have always been passive and evasive. I always thought that I was strong and optimistic. Later, I realized that I was just avoiding and reluctant to accept it. I really realized that, after I realized it, my attitude towards life gradually became negative. I felt that life was lonely, relatives and friends would gradually leave, and in the end, I was the only one left to survive. More and more of life to come is trivial, insipid joys and intense and continuous sadness. I know that my mother will be sad when she sees this mentality in my heart, but I also feel powerless. After losing forever, the emptiness in my heart can’t be made up. The previous goals, struggles, and wonderful life I wanted suddenly couldn’t be shared with the most important people. , all no longer makes sense. Still working hard and studying hard, but more just should, not want. I knew my mother was going to heaven because she eventually converted to Christianity and was the best, best, cutest person in the world. However, I don't believe in heaven. Sometimes I feel that it is really sad to have no religious belief. The fear and anxiety in my heart may never find an outlet for peace of mind, and if I don't believe in it, or later believe in other religions, I am It's not like I'll never see my mother again. In fact, what mortals see is nothing but a terrible crematorium. Most of the ashes are left in the furnace, and some are mixed with other people's ashes and buried in boxes. How could anyone have the heart to end up in such a sloppy and industrialized way, like expired food in a supermarket. I can't accept that my sweetest mom and everyone else has been so busy giving their whole lives the result is cold and stylized like this. I know that if I die, it will be gone, and I won't feel anything, but every time I think of this ending, I feel the cruelty and meaninglessness of life even more.
But in fact, I have always been happy and blessed. I love my efforts to take care of my relatives. I really have no reason to be depressed, but I really feel that everything has changed. My friends are scattered all over the place, and my father is remarried. Of course, I won’t reject like a little girl, but it’s just changed, not the same. Although I’m old enough, I don’t have the inner strength to fully adapt. When the little boy's mother gave her the ring, I was worried that the little girl would start blaming herself again that the little boy died because of her, because I knew if it were me, I would. I also envy that in American movies, family members talk to each other. Although compared to Asian-style families, their daily life is more independent and indifferent, but when faced with problems, they will talk and speak out. We are not, we give all the love and care in our daily life, it is really difficult to talk about the problem well. My dad and I talk a lot about social culture, religion and politics, but we don't talk heart to heart. He avoided it, and always took it in a mocking way. When he avoided it, I got angry and avoided it as well. I know Mom knows how to deal with it, she always knows how to talk, not wrap herself up. But I have no chance.
Originally wanted to write two short comments, but the word count was exceeded. Every time I think about writing more and more, I get more and more off topic. But it’s good to write some things out. If you can express a little bit, it shows that you have seen a little bit more. I know this process will be very long, and it may never end, but this is part of life and part of growing up. In January 2017, it has been almost five years. Mom, are you all right? I have a good life. I stayed in the United States until the end of 2013 with a GPA of 3.8. I graduated from Shandong University in 2014. Because I didn't prepare for the gmat exam in advance, I took a gap year. I had a bad year that year. My classmates either went to work or went to school and no one would play with me. For a while, I stayed at home and read books. Suddenly one day I went crazy. My father took me to the night market to play for one night. . But that year, I also met a few friends in the study room, and then went to Hong Kong Chinese to study accounting. Because I wanted to study in another place, I didn't want to go to the UK, and I felt that Australia was not good, so I went to Hong Kong. It was still a very good year, I met some good friends and went to several places to play. Now I am doing an internship in Beijing. The leaders and colleagues are very nice, they take care of me and help me. In fact, you must know all this even if you don't say it, and you must be watching it. But I don't have a boyfriend yet. When are you going to let me meet? I'm looking for someone who is talented, hardworking and handsome. As for the negative thoughts in my heart, don't worry, this requires me to slowly build my own psychology, which should be an unavoidable self-study in life. Don't blame yourself, this self-study class will happen sooner or later, it will help me prepare more for the future. So, don't worry. But you also have to accompany me. You can play with friends on weekends. You must accompany me when I am not happy.

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