Text/Ren Li's official account ID: renlixl
French film "Goodbye Children" is a film based on the theme of World War II, looking at war, death, betrayal, family, friendship, and religion from the perspective of children. The expression method shows the interweaving of various emotions: mother-child relationship, brotherhood, companionship, teacher-student relationship. There is no bloody scene from the beginning to the end of the film, but there is unease, anxiety, fear, worry, until the film ends when the priest and three Jewish classmates are captured by the Gestapo, the film's narration: 40 years later, I still remember 1944 That winter in January was so cold. It is believed that at that moment, Julian, the hero of the film, bid farewell to his childhood.
There are a lot of various elements in the film. I don’t want to analyze too much about culture and religion. I just want to do some in-depth discussions on the relationship between the little boy Julian and his mother.
There are not many scenes where Julian is with his mother in the film. There are two scenes of farewell: one is the scene of leaving home and the mother sees off at the train station, and the other is the scene of returning to school after a short meeting with her mother and saying goodbye to her mother. Both separate scenes have a strange feel to them, more like an inseparable relationship between lovers than a mother-son relationship.
What the hell is going on here? Why is the emotional concentration between mother and son so high?
It also starts with the relationship we have with our mother after we are born. The baby is delivered from the mother's body, realizing the first physical separation from the mother, which means that the body changes from one body to two independent individuals. But the baby is so weak that it cannot survive without its mother. As Winnicott said, there is no such thing as a baby in the world, because when a baby appears, there must be a mother who takes care of it, or a mother like a mother. caregiver.
We call 0-1 years old as the symbiosis stage between the baby and the mother. During this period, the baby cannot control the autonomy of his body well, and needs to rely more on the mother. Psychologically, it will think that it is one with the mother. , the mother's happiness is its happiness, and the mother's depression will also make it unhappy. The mother's face is the mirror of the baby, and the baby sees and sees itself from the mother's face. This stage is what we often call the symbiosis stage in psychology.
In the symbiosis stage, the baby will have a sense of omnipotence. It thinks that it can control everything. In fact, its world is the mother: the baby can get the mother's attention, breastfeeding, changing diapers, etc. through all kinds of crying to satisfy it. physical and psychological needs. If the mother does not respond to the baby's emotions at this time, the baby will feel that the whole world is falling apart.
When a child can control his body flexibly, it begins to explore the outside world and begins to separate from its mother. The departure of the mother will cause certain setbacks to the child, but when the mother appears, the child will rejoin the mother's arms, and the child gradually adapts to the separation in such setbacks.
Long Yingtai once said that successful education is the best separation for children. And we can see from the relationship between Julian and his mother in the movie, they are still in a state of symbiosis, it seems that no one is inseparable from the other. This symbiotic state made it impossible for a third person to be between the two, including her husband and his father. In fact, it is the missing father who has never appeared in the film, which makes the relationship between mother and son even closer.
In fact, there are many such vivid examples around us. There is a mother who is very proud to share with others that my son has no rebellious adolescence, and our mother-son relationship is good. Every night we lie in bed and talk before going to bed, and it's the best way to boost our emotions. I noticed that the child the mother mentioned was 13 years old and still slept in the same bed as her mother every night.
In such families, the father is usually absent, or even if physically present, but psychologically absent. In the family, there will be a system complementing the law, that is, the husband and wife relationship must be the core in the family, which is the most stable family relationship. However, if one of the spouses does not exist, or is psychologically absent, the children in the family will subconsciously fill the vacancy in this position in order to maintain the stability of the family.
As mentioned above, the child who still sleeps in the same bed with his mother is invisibly replacing the role of the father to meet the emotional needs of the mother. The mother also enjoys spending time with her son, because the child will obey the mother, cater to the mother to meet the mother's needs, and this emotional connection will give the mother a sense of control and security, because the son is one with himself. , which is what we call symbiosis, no betrayal, no harm.
But such a symbiotic relationship is extremely harmful to both parties. We can imagine what it would be like if two people were tied together. Two people doing things together, playing games together, shopping together, etc., is a serious elbow restraint. Seemingly interdependent, but in fact they are interdependent.
The emotional satisfaction of a mother is essentially an illusion because she cannot develop a real intimacy with her son, which is morally and ethically contrary. But because of the satisfaction that greed gets in the son, there is no motivation to repair the estranged relationship with the husband or develop a healthy intimacy.
And such a mother-child symbiosis has far-reaching effects on underage children, and may cause various mental illnesses in serious cases. The child will give up the exploration of the outside world and will only be willing to stay at home, by the mother's side. It is also difficult to develop intimate relationships with women other than mothers. Because his relationship with his mother is too close, it is difficult for women outside to intervene in their relationship, which usually makes the latecomer feel like a third party.
By extension, it is not difficult for us to understand why the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is so difficult to get along with. In such a family, the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law are actually the competition between the two women, and the son plays a very important balancing role between the two women. If the son does not have an independent personality and is in an undifferentiated state with his mother, then psychologically he must be towards his mother, and the conflict with his wife will become irreconcilable.
There is also an undifferentiated phenomenon between mother and daughter, especially in single-parent families. If a mother sacrifices her own happiness for the sake of her children and never gets married or has a boyfriend, then she will put all her expectations and hopes of life on her daughter. The daughter will be grateful to her mother and subconsciously dare not let herself be too happy.
If my daughter is living happily, she will feel a sense of guilt in her heart. My mother worked so hard for me alone in the past. If I live too well, it is not in line with filial piety. Such a mental model makes the mother unable to live happily and the daughter does not dare to live happily. This is how tragedy arises, but it seems that we are all for each other's good.
Breaking the symbiotic relationship and independently living out the brilliance of oneself is the possible way to pursue happiness.
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