When I thought I was a sex addict, what am I thinking

Jaylon 2021-12-02 08:01:29

It is not so much a film review, as it is a very subjective afterthought, which is similar to a kind of emotional catharsis, and it is a little more comfortable to say it. The content is shallow and nonsense, please don't mind.

Writing this is like doing an anesthetic-free autopsy for yourself. Cut the skin from the beginning of the text, and then self-sew it at the end. The process is extremely painful, but one day you will force yourself to open your eyes to see the defects inside, because if you don't, it won't be cured.

When I see Joe, I always think of myself.

I used to think I had a sex addiction. It's just that Joe didn't wake up so early. I remember when I was in junior high school, my favorite boy secretly kissed me in the snow. At that time, it was just hugging and kissing, but for the first time, I also knew vaguely that the love from the opposite sex was like this.

Why is it the first time, when I just started living with my parents. My parents are harsh, and my father seems to have never expressed his love to me. This is the case for the first test, and the essay is published. When I tried to communicate with him, I started arguing in just three sentences. The content was mostly, I cried and said why you are doing this to me, and then ended with his "trash" sentence. I slammed the door and the phone was frozen in the wind and snow until it turned off automatically. He closed the door and smoked silently on the balcony. At that time, I was crying every night. I wrote in my diary that I wanted to love, to be affirmed, and someone to tirelessly tell me that I was a beautiful ash tree.

Just like the lack of maternal love in Joe's growth, he is a yearning for his father's love.

Later, I projected the image of my father onto all the boys who had been together. When they said to me that they liked me, I felt that the empty space in my heart was filled and satisfied for the first time. It was a wonderful feeling, like you were trying to smell a bottle of perfume, and the confession sprayed out like mist, it was strange and strong. Every boy is like a different perfume. I am obsessed with these beautiful scents that no one has ever given me.

These holes were filled in by me in a wrong way since I was in high school. What I thought at the time was, since I can't get your love for anything, then let me be bad. It's like a match between joe and friend B for a pack of chocolate beans. I began to pursue a sense of accomplishment in "making mistakes", doing all the rebellious things that I was young at that time. Dyed her hair pink, got tattoos, skipped class, went out to play video games, and had a physical relationship with her boyfriend for the first time. I am obsessed with breaking these universal rules with little power. This behavior has a strange pleasure, as if I am a desperate hero in the casino, despising all ordinary people who follow the rules. When everyone is desperate, it is inevitable that they will definitely win in the end.

Fill every hole of mine. Just like joe said, fill me up. Once I thought it was the flesh, but the heart should be filled the most. At that time I was too young and there were too many things I didn't understand-why did he judge me like this? Why is mother always silent? Even though I took the first place and every one of my paintings was posted on the wall, he still said I was too bad-it was too bad. Even though I passed all the schools I wanted to go to during the art test, I received the admission letter from Yangmei. He was still silent. Maybe he really doesn't have love for me, I think like this, why would he hurt me if he loves me. After countless quarrels, I slowly became silent. No longer arguing about his prejudice and dissatisfaction, silently enduring all this like fate. Maybe I am indeed the worst. But disappointment and anger made me never call him Dad again.

Later, he said to me apologetically that he would not express it and did not want me to be arrogant. But it was already very late, and I have been trying to fix it up till now, but what has been caused has already been caused, just like a broken mirror, no matter how hard I put it, it is no longer perfect—or even incomplete.

When I grow up to be able to get what I want, no one can restrain me anymore. But the void in my heart has been dissatisfied. When I find that I can get strong sexual satisfaction, I will inevitably sink. Whenever you are embraced, kissed and possessed, and every lust grows stronger, those hypocritical "I love you" are like the satisfaction brought by drugs. You know that they are all mirages, but you are still willing to spend money like dirt, and use these to replace the father’s love that I didn’t get at all, and the price is that I found that I didn’t know when I started, and I could no longer associate love and sex. Maybe this It may not be a price.

After reading the film review with the highest number of likes, I learned that maybe it is called Nymphomaniac, not Sex addict.

Regarding the inconsistency of how to coordinate sex and love, this question did not bother me for a long time. It seems that they can be inconsistent in themselves.

But when they happen? What life will be like, what was once taught to be a very sacred thing, and later it was just a dead hamster. I like it very much, but it's just not that important. Now I am a little bit more mature than before, and I understand where the absurd and cute bad things I have done come from, but some things have been completely changed.

I understand joe's anger at seeing his friend's saying that "the secret recipe for sex is love". Because if it is correct, are my choices all ridiculous struggles? Isn't sex without love unworthy of being endowed with sacred meaning?

When I fell in love with someone, but accidentally missed him, I tried to piece together his appearance in the crowd like Joe, everything was inadvertently. He has the same voice as him, he has similar eyebrows and eyes...I started dating more frequently in order to be able to forget him—just as Joe wants to forget Jerome. But I realized later that it was all in vain.

When I am mature, I understand that the root of all this is because I want to get the love I haven't gotten before. Since life has given me these, I also tried to find meaning for myself in the confusion. Isn't it the same for many people? It's just that what we lack is different if we want to fill the void in our hearts. Since I am "addicted" and it satisfies me when my painful desires are too high, let yourself be calm and honest. Just like joe who was embarrassed in the rain and met seligma, he exchanged a cup of hot milk tea in exchange for unreservedly telling him about his dirty past at first glance. When he said it, he was actually eager to be understood, and I was clumsy. Persuaded himself to face those filthy and dark cavities in his heart. Only by understanding the root cause of all problems can you let go of your childhood and look forward a little bit.

Finally, I like this line very much.

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Extended Reading

Nymphomaniac: Vol. I quotes

  • Young Joe: I understand now.

    Married Man on Train: What is it you understand?

    Young Joe: Why you didn't have sex with us.

    Married Man on Train: It wasn't because I didn't want to.

    Young Joe: [Joe smiles and grabs his dick] Wow. It's so big, isn't it.

    Married Man on Train: I'm begging you. Don't. Please don't.

    Young Joe: You've been as horny as hell. But you wouldn't give up your load.

    Married Man on Train: [Joe starts to give the man a blowjob] Ah, fuck! Oh, you're very good at this! Take it to your throat.

    Married Man on Train: [the other passengers look the man in a huge shock] Um, Joe? Stop, they're looking at us.

    Young Joe: I don't care. I want you to cum at my face.

    Married Man on Train: I'm gonna cum at your face! Oh god!

    Young Joe: [He cums at Joe's face] Yes! You're amazing!

    Conductor: You! Stop right there!

    Married Man on Train: You better run.

    Young Joe: Well, I could offer him a blowjob too.

  • Young Joe: I understand now.

    Young Lad 2 on Train: What is it you understand?

    Young Joe: Why you didn't have sex with us.

    Young Lad 2 on Train: It wasn't because I didn't want to.

    Young Joe: [Joe smiles and grabs his dick] Wow. It's so big, isn't it.

    Young Lad 2 on Train: I'm begging you. Don't. Please don't.

    Young Joe: You've been as horny as hell. But you wouldn't give up your load.

    Young Lad 2 on Train: [Joe starts to give the man a blowjob] Ah, fuck! Oh, you're very good at this! Take it to your throat.

    Young Lad 2 on Train: [the other passengers look the man in a huge shock] Um, Joe? Stop, they're looking at us.

    Young Joe: I don't care. I want you to cum at my face.

    Young Lad 2 on Train: I'm gonna cum at your face! Oh god!

    Young Joe: [He cums at Joe's face] Yes! You're amazing!

    Conductor: You! Stop right there!

    Young Lad 2 on Train: You better run.

    Young Joe: Well, I could offer him a blowjob too.