I don't know what other people are thinking. Does this stranger now feel that his behavior is disrespectful. Will my friends despise and laugh at me in their hearts? Does my family look down on me? Did I reveal my ignorance by saying this? Are all these smiling people around me pretending to be friendly. Is it because I am not what I think I am in the eyes of others.
In fact, I was simply hated, looked down upon, pitied, and hated.
Don't you have moments of self-loathing like this?
Hate your cowardice, hate your submissiveness, hate your incompetence. Why is it so difficult for me to do something so easy for others. People who want to be sunshine can control their anger, depression and all ugly emotions. I may be a broken product as a human being, and I have no qualifications to be a human being at all. If you want to be anyone else, anyone other than yourself is fine. I hope my life has a reset button, because the current life is not what I envisioned at all. Those betrayals and injuries in life have left the original heart and body scarred. I really want to start over. Or die, reincarnate, in a new life, become a new person who cannot be in this life.
If your life has been very smooth up to now, you are a goddess, so you have never experienced the above feelings at all. Well, this animation is probably not for you to watch.
But there are probably no such perfect people in life, so this animation will become a classic.
-------------
Whether it is Shinji, Asuka, Misato, or Ritsuko. No one in this animation is unbroken. In the early days of animation, when everyone's heart was not analyzed, everyone seemed to be pure and happy. Asuka and Misato look cheerful. Asuka is envied by all her classmates. But when the animation plot progresses, when each protagonist's inner thoughts are revealed to us little by little, we find that their hearts are full of fear and anxiety.
Asuka wants to be an excellent person, only in this way can she have a sense of existence and be seen.
Shinji, who was afraid of rejection before giving his heart, struggled in begging for acceptance and escape.
Misato, on the other hand, does not understand her feelings for her father, and because of this feeling, she is lost in sex and men.
Ritsuko fell in love with the same person as her mother.
In fact, the above are all Freud's theories. Many great gods have already explained them in other technical posts, so I will not explain them.
These are the so-called weaknesses of human nature, and we have all experienced the same pain and unease as these characters in our lives.
—————
When I saw the final human completion plan, I kept having such a word in my mind: Thanatos.
When I went to the soundtrack to listen to it later, I saw the name of a song in it: Thantos, I need you.
At this point, I understood the message the director wanted to convey.
Thanatos is the death drive in Freud's theory, which means that in addition to the desire to survive Eros, people also have the desire to die.
Because human's desire to survive cannot explain the continuous war and killing of human beings. So Freud believed that people have a desire for life Eros, a desire for sex Libido, and a desire for death Thanatos.
The human completion plan is the reason for the desire of human beings.
Because we all hate the world too much and hate ourselves too much. Because all human beings are in this state (that is, the three-dimensional segment in the theater version, which is about people's sense of alienation, people's sense of urgency to escape from reality), so if we can make a broken species like human disappear, change Become a tree of life, and then give birth to a better life form. It's really tempting.
(Don't you have moments of self-loathing like this? If you could fit in with someone you've always admired, lose yourself, and become her/him, would you?)
(Then the world would be without you, without you Weaknesses, your insecurities, the negative emotions that have been haunting you)
(don't worry about what other people think of you, because you don't exist anymore)
(sounds good, but would you?)
(destroy yourself to evolve)
(disappears, merges)
————
(As long as there is a desire to live, I can return to human form)
In the past N years of my life, I have not had a good time. The thought of wanting to die is not occasional, and it has also been put into action. But probably the determination to die is not strong enough to die, so I am still here.
Mild pain is just an emotional reflection, but when the pain is too much, it can become a physical pain.
There was a time when I was immersed in alcohol every day to escape physical and mental pain. Every day I fell asleep under the anesthesia of alcohol, but when I woke up in the morning, I was tormented by even more pain mixed with shame. So anesthetize yourself with alcohol and repeat the cycle the next day.
For a while, I couldn't look at other people because I felt ridiculous and pitiful and shameful in the eyes of others.
I can't face myself, what I've become. What's the point of me living in this world? Even if I stand up again, what can I get back?
The wasted time, the wasted life, the lost joy, the broken trust, and the lost happiness and security, I can't get it back.
I lie in bed all day, hoping to just melt into the air and disappear.
I want to escape from myself and be someone else, anyone, as long as it's not me, I really want to.
Looking back on that time, I really didn't live like a person.
Even now, I'm not sure if I've regained my qualifications as a human being.
Saying this, I just want to tell you what kind of state depression is.
When I was watching the animation, I saw a bullet screen saying that the director also had depression when he was directing this animation. I suddenly realized that, no wonder.
Only depression understands that humility. The kind of contradiction that wants to get out of the crowd but wants to fit in. That self-loathing that wants to go away.
Or, is everyone more or less prone to depression?
———————————
(As long as the earth, sun and moon are still there, I can return to human form)
I still did not choose to die in the end.
Sometimes I want to escape from the imposed shackles of life, but I still don't choose to die.
Shinji finally chose to terminate the human completion program. The person who hates life the most actually chooses to survive, or a choice made by their own willpower.
It is obvious that I can integrate with everyone, discard the self I hate so much, and escape the self I hate so much. No regrets, no fears, no unease to live, but he still chose to live on as a flawed individual.
He still did not understand the meaning of existence, the meaning of life. But he accepted this incomplete self, this imperfect self, and was determined to live in such a cowardly and ungentle form.
After he returned to the world, he saw Asuka lying beside him.
He wanted to strangle her.
This kind of thinking is completely understandable. Just imagine, if you ran to another city to start your life again and found out that an acquaintance who knew all your scandals lived next door to you, you probably wanted to kill that person too.
Obviously the world is destroyed, but the only person who lives with him in this world is an Asuka who knows all his cowardice and unbearableness, and he is the one who hates himself the most. If a stranger is with me in this reborn world, then I can rebuild myself in this world, but it is Asuka who knows everything about herself.
So I wanted to strangle her.
In fact, there is still no way to fully accept yourself.
But Asuka touched his face. If it was a stranger, he wouldn't touch himself like that.
Even though I know all the bad things about me, I still want to touch me like this.
So he let go.
"It's disgusting"
is said, even if people who know her see her like this, but when she is crying and doing something wrong, she is the only one who can understand her.
——————
(Anyone can return to human form as long as they follow their heart to create their own image)
Everyone has ATfield. For as long as a humanoid, ATfield will exist for a day.
You can't understand others, you can't trust others, you can't love yourself, you can't be happy with peace of mind.
We all have parts of our hearts that are incomplete, parts that cannot be filled.
But even so, they still have to live.
Eros defeats Thanatos.
Even if he realizes how bad he is, he still wants to live with such a bad person.
--As long as you accept yourself, you can live and find your meaning as a human being. --In
fact, apart from various nouns, religious symbols, and robots.
Evangelion is nothing more than such a story.
——You
are so rotten, why do you still want to be yourself?
Hopefully one day, I can face such doubts easily and say,
"Hey, who else can I be but myself?"
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