I want to kill myself

Jada 2022-12-18 02:21:29

I don't know when I don't like movies like this. I don't like the protagonist in it, ignore it, let my own temperament, and do things that the world doesn't approve of. At the moment when Ada jumped into the sea, I even felt a little pity, she left her daughter and two men who died for her. She was silent at the bottom of the sea, enjoying boundless tranquility, and how should the three who survived be sad. It's like a dream and nothing, as Ida's husband said, I'd rather it's a dream, I want to wake up.
Ada husband is simple man. Simply want to marry a lady and have a manor. Although sophisticated and short-sighted, he is still dreaming that his beautiful and eccentric wife can live in peace. Even when he witnesses Ada and Bai's adultery, there is such hope. He is dreaming.

And I have lost the ability to dream.
In junior high school, I once liked the words of Qingli and Jujue. For example, in the year of the seven violets, there is also the previous four. The stories in it are clean and beautiful, and the occasional pungency and cruelty are pure. The plot may be complicated, but the whole thing is simple and clear. It depicts the most beautiful years of his youth. I liked those words so much at that time, they made me feel pure and clean, that the world is like this, no matter what, youthful spirit, love and hatred. Everyone inside was smiling brightly, the cicadas chirped, and the alley was shady. Even the reunion after the passage of time is so beautiful. The shadows of the trees are sparse, the plants are fragrant, next to the bright studio, or the colorful streets. I think this is the future. I believe in it, and I believe I am the protagonist in it too, or at least living in the world of the story.
Later, of course, it will be found that this is not the case. The protagonists I like are all too pure, love is love, hate is hate. If you love it, you will leave everything behind to follow, but if you hate it, you will never see each other forever. Their energies are like a raging fire that will burn everything around them. And they also have the love, or painting, or music, movies, books, that they can't live without, and they can't communicate with people without this.
I liked these so much back then. Maybe it's because I'm also a quirky person and can't communicate with the people around me smoothly. At that time, I was very envious of the protagonist who found a soulmate, and the protagonist who never turned his back on the world. A protagonist who has the courage to run away and wander desperately to pursue his dreams. If the world doesn't communicate with me, why should I humbly seek it? If the world doesn't understand me, why should I seek their understanding?
As many film critics have said, "I am so envious of Ada, who is against the world, and has a strong courage to maintain herself." Ada's self-esteem, loneliness, talent, love, her enthusiasm, and her coldness are all rose thorns. , the danger of confusing people, people yearn for. If it were before, I would have admired Ada very much too. The abnormal Ada in the eyes of the world is the self who speaks unintelligible and likes being alone. I wish I had the courage to say no to the world proudly -

unfortunately, I can't be Ada.
Because people always grow up.
If not genius, compromise has to be made.
Forget who said, if you can't be who you want to be, you'll hate it. Ada can pursue love regardless of her family, no matter what the consequences of taking that step. I can not. Ada does whatever she wants in the future, I can't. Maybe my heart is so eager to be Ada, but I can't be Ada. I have things that I need to do and things that I have a responsibility to do.
I can't be Ada. Ada is the self that I clamor for in my heart, and the self that I firmly reject. I don't like Ada, I don't like her purity, her determination, her enthusiasm, her indifference, her talent, her uninhibitedness.
I was going to erase myself then.
I don't like such sad and beautiful movies.

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Extended Reading

The Piano quotes

  • Ada: I have told you the story of your father many many times.

    Flora: Oh, tell me again! Was he a teacher?

    Ada: Yes.

    Flora: How did you speak to him?

    Ada: I didn't need to speak. I could lay thoughts out in his mind like they were a sheet.

    Flora: Why didn't you get married?

    Ada: He became frightened and stopped listening.

  • [first lines]

    Ada: The voice you hear is not my speaking voice - -but my mind's voice. I have not spoken since I was six years old. No one knows why - -not even me. My father says it is a dark talent, and the day I take it into my head to stop breathing will be my last. Today he married me to a man I have not yet met. Soon my daughter and I shall join him in his own country. My husband writes that my muteness does not bother him - and hark this! He says, "God loves dumb creatures, so why not I?" 'Twere good he had God's patience, for silence affects everyone in the end. The strange thing is, I don't think myself silent. That is because of my piano. I shall miss it on the journey.