Two years ago, her sanity was already a little sluggish; one day, she broke her leg and fractured it. The doctor gave two options at the time: surgery and replacement of artificial joints, but there is a possibility that the operating table will not be able to come down; After thinking about it over and over again, my mother decided not to have surgery.
My grandmother's ears have been backed for a long time, and it is usually a problem for others to communicate with her. She also enjoys moving around. Her leg was broken, and she still couldn't stay down. After the pain was not so much, and her mind was confused, she always had to snuggle down from the bed and crawl around on the ground. In order to prevent accidents, my mother always locked her in her own room. Before my grandfather died, this was the room the two of them lived together.
She only sees us every day when we eat. We'll bring her meals, and when I'm not at home, it's Dad. I'm back, this job is mine. Most of the time, when she saw her parents, she always spoke ill of each other, swearing in Henan dialect, saying that they wanted to poison her. When I went to deliver, she always knew me and cared about me very much, and would stop in the middle of the folk dramas that were recited aloud.
The loneliness, bad legs, lack of contact with the outside world, coupled with the loss of sanity, all made her go into madness every few days, mostly at night. Curse loudly, yell loudly, sing, cry. Neighbors up, down, left and right followed suit. This takes over 10 hours. Multiple adequate sleep during the day, specifically for these ten hours of charging. Without hearing it with your own ears, it's hard to imagine that this is the voice of a nearly centenarian, powerful and wild, as if the upper body of a magical witch in the countryside is evoking her soul. After the end, she fell into a new round of charging process.
When I brought her meals, many times she was sleeping. A 98-year-old man with his mouth half-opened, his lips are always not clean, most of his teeth have already fallen out, and the remaining dentures have obvious yellow stains. She is very thin, the old man is afraid of cold and always wears thick clothes, which makes it difficult for me to observe whether her chest and abdomen are still breathing.
I do this a lot because I often don't know what state she's in, if she's going to leave in her sleep like many old people say.
I've often wondered: Does living like my grandma make sense to herself? Of course it makes sense to the family because she is family. It might make sense to herself, because she's still alive. If I get to this time, if I still have a choice about my own way of living, maybe what I choose is not the way of living. Maybe, when I get there, I'll want to live more than my grandma. Maybe, just maybe.
To borrow a word from Mu Xin: People should always have the sincerity of death.
Long Yingtai once said in the book "Watching Off": "In the whole process of our growth, who taught us how to face pain, setbacks, and failures?"
Similarly, no one taught us how to face disease, aging, die. Because of disease, aging and death, everyone has to face and bear, and in the end can only face and bear alone. Even if you have the other half who was so in love like in the show.
George and Anne no doubt once loved each other deeply. But what is love? What is love?
Love depends on two people communicating with each other. When we were young, we talked about our hobbies and our different pasts; when we were old, we talked more about our past, the same experiences, and the same memories. Of course, sometimes, like George, talk about the childhood in the corner of memory that has long passed. Talk about childhood movies, summer camps and postcards full of stars. Why talk about this? What else can we talk about? The two have lived together for so many years, even though Annie was once so graceful and had such an outstanding student (obviously this student was not prepared to deal with the aging disease and death), but the life of the two was more trivial, oil, salt and firewood. Talking about childhood, George hopes to bring back more reason and memory of Annie.
George has always loved Annie, so when Annie was paralyzed, she was attentive.
Maybe George still loves Annie, but not this Annie who can't communicate, can't act, and can only call "pain". What he loves is Annie who can share the joy of seeing pigeons, and more importantly, Annie who can share the loneliness and loneliness when he meets pigeons again. But he would still get angry at the humiliated Annie and fire the nurse.
Maybe, what George loves is just how he feels when he loves? Just like the name of Alain De Botton's book - "In Love with Romance".
Mu Xin said, "Young people want to fall in love, middle-aged people want to travel, and old people want to live longer. Isn't this romantic?" Even if you can live a long life, it's not romantic at all.
No one can escape from his past, no one can escape from his future, when the future is aging, disease and death, life is only shit, no luck. Do you really think you can have a romantic shit luck?
Well, whatever he's in love with, I just know: I don't want to grow old with you because that's the least romantic thing in the world.
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