I just checked the weather. The temperature in the city where he is located is 11 degrees, and the temperature in the small town where I am is 10 degrees. Nauseate that feeling. From the sweetness and heat of the first year to the unbearable one year later, I think we have no choice but to find a solution quickly.Sometimes I even consider whether this is love, whether I am in love with my mobile phone, or whether I am in love with the feeling I imagined. In the end, I can actually feel only myself. After I got off work, I watched other people's boyfriends waiting at the door of the company; at parties, I watched the warmth of other people's shocking visions and saw other people's roses and sweetness in festivals. Everything can only be forced to smile and say to others, "Happiness!" Then he turned around, shook his head, and left alone with his bag on his back.
I've changed. I've really changed. I can't say it's for him, but I really can't get rid of him. I only know that I used to be a young woman of petty bourgeoisie literature and art. I was occasionally angry with the youth, and occasionally I could quietly watch Baby Annie, write, or enjoy my life very much, but this long-distance relationship really made me feel that I had changed. I don't know myself at all; I don't know where all the insecurities came from. Is it my distrust of feelings, or have I always felt that if I'm not unique in the eyes of the other person, then I'd rather not be? So when I made the long trip to his city to see him, I happened to bump into his two kids' fucking ex-girlfriend texting him, and I didn't know what I should do.
He said that he hadn't been in touch for a year, and I don't know why the news came suddenly today. Should I believe it? I really can't stop my brain from thinking about things like, if I wasn't here today, would the two of you talk about it behind my back? Or when I go back to my city, will you two be in touch again? ... After all, I know that their relationship is very deep and they even broke up emotionally. The woman offered to break it up.I think it's been a really crashing day. But he said that he had clearly told her not to contact her anymore, but the woman just kept sending messages, and even said that she knew she was very gay, but there was no way, no one could talk to her.Fuck.I don't know if I made it clear. I just feel like I'm fed up with this long distance relationship and scared of that insecure life. I don't know what I should do. Is the love I'm feeling truly mine?
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