Nine years later, in the fall of 2007, my mother told me that my cousin's son was gone. It was the child's uncle who was working in the fields. Got run over. This child is already in elementary school, and he is the only son in the family. The grief shrouded in grief for a winter. The cousin and her brother made trouble again and again, but the child was not able to come back. A small grave. Two years later, the cousin gave birth to a second son, and the family finally welcomed laughter.
This is probably the way Chinese people face the death of a child. Sadness is inevitable, but life always has to move forward. It is a pragmatic choice to have another child if possible. This child may not be able to fully fill the missing place in the parents' hearts, but it can always bring comfort to the family as a new hope.
2. The Howie couple in the film "Rabbit Hole" adapted from the novel and stage play of the same name is also facing the same dilemma of losing their beloved son. They lost their four-year-old son, Danny, in a car accident. Little Danny was chasing the dog. He was too happy to notice the sound of the car, and died under the wheels of the car that passed in front of the house. The movie begins 8 months after Danny's death, and 8 months have passed. Mom Becca is still on the verge of losing control of her emotions from time to time. When Dad Howie is staring at the video on her phone, she still can't control her tears, and the people around her, Carefully, I didn't dare to touch the fact that Danny wasn't there, but I didn't touch it. The empty house and the toys and clothes without the owner in it were reminding Danny's absence.
How to do it? The child is really gone, and the life of the parents still has to go on. On the surface, Howie is in relatively better condition. He has the courage to participate in the self-sustaining meeting of the parents who also lost their children (there is actually such a group in the United States. The child's family gathers together, relying on the God they believe in to relieve their grief and find comfort), and they can also keep meeting with their friends as usual, and are noncommittal about their friend's suggestion to have another child. Becca can't do it. She becomes neurotic, acerbic, and irritable. The little things can make her unfriendly. But even so, she is taking measures to secretly dispose of the child's belongings. This process, A little meaning to erase the fact that the child once existed, aroused Howie's dissatisfaction. That child, scattered in every corner of the family, can't be erased by throwing away his belongings.
Because of the absence of the child, the whole family is crumbling, and the two parents are looking for an exit, finding an exit, out of grief, and start a new life, which is why the movie is called "Rabbit Hole" (in "Eli In Silk in Wonderland, the "rabbit hole" is the entrance to the strange world). Is this outlet to have another child? no! Are you participating in a self-sustaining meeting and comforting yourself with a child being recalled by God as an angel? no! Unleash your anger on the people around you, completely ignoring their feelings? Or not! Would it feel better to smoke a sip of marijuana, have a hallucination, meet the driver, listen to the parallel universe theory, and shed some tears? Still doesn't work! The gap in my heart can't be filled no matter what, so I can't find an exit and start a new life.
Looking at it this way, the past can't be passed.
At the end of the film, Becca finally has the courage to contact her former best friend, hold a family reunion, hug her friend's child, the Howies can laugh, deal with their relatives and friends with normal emotions, and can bear people talking about their dead children. Danny. However, this is not the real exit. It can only be said that they finally accepted the fact that the child died, and the sadness has not weakened because of this. Sadness has since become an internal event in the family, which is borne by the parents silently.
3. The story of my cousin and cousin is listed at the beginning. It is not intended to be a comparison between Chinese and Western cases of dealing with early death of children, because when it comes to losing children, as long as they are parents, they will be equally heartbroken and bewildered. In fact, there is no guiding method to let the past go. It may be feasible to dilute it with time, but for the person concerned, the concept of time probably no longer exists during that period of insanity.
4. On August 24, 2005, my good friend Shanshan died in a car accident. From then to now, I have had hundreds of dreams. In my dreams, she was resurrected again and again, telling me that she did not leave, The information received was misinformation. In life, I dare not talk about it, nor do I dare to discuss her passing with our mutual friend, we never sit down and remember her together, we always avoid her name, we lack Courage to face.
During the Chinese New Year, I forgot where I started. In the end, I finally told my mother about her. After all, she had been away for more than 5 years. She said that she had come to our house at that time, and her mother said she was such a good child. , what a pity to go early.
I don't know what it means, when you can talk about a sad event, does it mean that it has passed? For Shanshan's parents, when can they talk about this child?
5. From a very young age, I knew that besides my current aunt, I have another aunt. In my childhood, this aunt seemed to have gone far away. She was like everyone else around her. Also growing up and getting old day by day. It was not until I became sensible that I learned that this aunt was engulfed by the river after the rain when she was 12 years old.
The matter was particularly bizarre, because not long after she was born, the fortune-teller calculated that she was 12 years old, and told her grandpa that she could not see this aunt until noon one day. Because after many years, my grandfather forgot about it. But that day, the father and daughter did not see each other since the morning. Grandpa got up early and went to the commune without saying when he would come back. Auntie had lunch early and went out to herd sheep with her friends, but she didn't expect to meet her grandfather on the way. Grandpa rode his bike home. Who knows, as soon as he entered the house and put the car away, he heard that something happened to my aunt on the way to herding sheep. My aunt and her little friends passed by a small river ditch herding sheep, and the other partners went through the shallow river ditch smoothly. When it was her turn, she fell into the river ditch and lost her life.
After decades, my grandparents still talk about this child from time to time. Every time I talk about it, my grandma's attitude is to curse the child who died early, but her tone is regretful and sad, and my grandfather says that everything is fate. Arrangements to excuse the child's early death.
They were able to tell the younger generation about this past event with a calm tone, the past has indeed passed.
6. After writing so much, I still don’t know how the past can pass. I can only say that the past, from the perspective of the one-dimensionality of time in physics, even if it is only a second, has passed, has passed, and from the perspective of multi-dimensional time. In terms of sexual psychology, it will take a long, long time to admit that the past is really gone.
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