spiritual utopia

The Count: This was the deal: I asked all of you to demand of me to do a very foolish thing, and you sent in ideas in their millions. But one idea has defeated them all, so I'm proud to announce I will soon be the first person to say the "F" word on rock 'n' roll radio in the United Kingdom of Great Britain. But my aim is not to offend, it is to entertain. But also, perhaps, to educate a little. Cuz if you shoot a bullet, someone dies. When you drop a bomb, many die. You hit a woman, love dies. But... if you say the f-word, nothing actually happens. So here it comes. Especially for you, the "F" word.

[Sees Quentin]

The Count: First, though, this very fine piece of music.

[Puts on a record]

Quentin: You can't do this.

The Count: Why not? It's just a word!

Quentin: Charming thought, but here's the simple situation. The authorities already dislike us. If you do this they will hate us, and by hook or by crook, they'll find a way to close us down.

The Count: They can't close us down. We're pirates. That's why we're sitting out here in the middle of the freaking ocean.

Quentin: Believe me, they will find a way. Governments loathe people being free.

The Count: Okay, I'm thinking about it.

[to the listeners]

The Count: My dear comrades, I have some sad news. The powers that be have decreed that the "F" word is a word too far. But at least for now, even though our dreams of freedom have died a tragic death, the Hollies are still alive. Thank you.

[Back to Quentin]

The Count: I don't know why you did that. I was just gonna say "fuck" once. You know, one tiny little "fuck."

Quentin: There's no such thing as a tiny little "fuck."

The Count: Yeah there is. You should ask Angus' girlfriend.

Quentin: Be that as it may, there's no "fuck" so small it won't fuck us up. One day, in a world of dreams, you'll be able to say "wank" or "bollocks" or even "cock" on the radio. But "fuck," never.

Harold: [In the control room] Excuse me, my Lordship?

The Count: Yes, Harold?

Harold: You've left your mike up in the studio.

The Count: [Looks] So I have.

[His conversation with the count has been broadcasting the whole time]

The Count: [laughs] I do apologise to everyone out there for the four... Or was it five "F" words, Quentin? The Hollies will continue undisturbed. I'm so sorry about that, Quentin, but you know, I thought you sounded good. You have a lovely voice for radio.

Quentin: Fuck off.

The Count: That makes it six, Quentin.