And for me, who had a tendency to fear my father since I was a child, no matter whether I look at the old or new version, I can only keep projecting my childhood, youth, and growth onto Shinji Ikari. For ordinary people, Shinji is too nervous and caring. , to me, is the most apt description of so many story texts I've seen.
Dad is very different from everyone else. Others will spoil me very much, very black and white. When I do it right, I appreciate it. When I did something wrong, I would scold that only my father was different. Sometimes I ignored the work and was too busy.
Since I was a child, my father was very temperamental. Temper, from his own emotions, it's bad. Because for a child, everything in the world revolves around him. For other children, it may be the reason for acting like a spoiled child, but for me, I am the source of my father's temper. Whether he scolds me, ignores me, or even asks me to leave, I think it's my fault. I started to care about my every move. I remember one time, when I was picking up things at home, I was going from the room to the living room, and I was sweeping the floor by the way. My father sitting on the sofa suddenly growled, saying that I was not good at cleaning, and I couldn’t clean the dust or the ground. The whole situation, as absurd as it may be, was so real to me at that moment. I didn't want to repeat the cleaning scene for a long time, my room became more and more messy, and then of course it only caused a lot of scolding, saying that my room was like a dog.
For a long time, my father sent me to study abroad. Without him by my side, it seems like the time bomb is missing, everything is easier from the beginning, and I no longer need to be careful about my every little movement. But in the bottom of my heart, I always felt that he had thrown me out. Even so, I didn't indulge myself. I continued to be a good girl. Every time I go back to Hong Kong, I act like a tin soldier on a chain, making clever moves one by one, for fear of causing an accident, I only take orders and don’t resist. Even so, the commander did not become more docile, and the short meeting time was still full of scolding.
Why am I driving an EVA? Probably hoping my dad would pay more attention to me.
When I was fifteen, my mother called me back. I started living with my dad again. With the comparison of having a tongue in foreign countries, I am in Hong Kong, and it seems that I am at every step. But life is also like this, never used to, and never thought of escaping. The year I took the exam, I got nine excellent, and those who favored me and those who didn't seem to be very happy. My father didn't particularly care, and I was at a loss for other people's admiration. I was a little overwhelmed when I suddenly got all the praise, and my instinctive reaction made me hate people who praised me, and I hate that they suddenly love me because of standards such as grades. This kind of illogical, or even distorted, well-meaning mentality didn't dissolve until what my mother said to me years later.
A few years later, because he said that he was going to get married, my father became wild, scolding and rushing, and my mother did not want to watch father and daughter break up in vain. , probably because of my exam results. In front of other people, he always mentioned that his daughter got top 10 in the exam.
Strangely enough, I was a little comforted and compensated for never having the scene in front of me.
Am I happy because my dad likes me? Should I rely on this blessing to survive?
From dating to marriage, I don’t know how many times I quarreled. Regarding love, if you are subconsciously looking for someone who is not like your father, or you really want to find someone who can get along with him.
Maybe once, my mother mentioned that my father never wanted to have a son, or maybe I saw him play nice with baby boys, which made me think that if I were a man, he would be much happier, or much nicer to me-- In my other world as a son.
So at least, I hope to find him a son-in-law he likes.
But often things go by the wayside, and the person I like seems to have hit Dad's death hole. He did not graduate from university, but he chose to come out of the society early in the morning, which gave him the stability of being five years more mature than his peers, and his career was by no means worse than that of his friends with a college degree. Unfortunately, all this is short-lived for Dad. He told me to leave him. He didn't understand why I chose a mature and intelligent boyfriend because I have never had a mature man who cared about me. On the surface I have Electra - I know I'm often coquettish and coy when I'm with my boyfriend - I even embrace this tendency, because it makes it easier for me to find my lover, as long as he When a person is mature and stable, I know that I will rely on him with all my heart. But in fact, there is another reason for me to choose such a lover - I want to find a man who can have a good conversation with my father, a man who can deal with him, and serve as a bridge between our father and daughter. I want to find a good son for him.
Through Ali, I can make up with my father...
I used to think that my love-hate relationship with my father would overwhelm my love for my boyfriend, and I would give up what I love because of obstruction. Dad fell in love with him. For a child who has been afraid of his father's image since childhood, how could he offend the real king because of the shadow? But maybe because his lover saw the distorted me, he couldn't bear to let the lamb go back. , he insisted not to let me give in.
A year later, I proposed my marriage to that majestic figure. In that scene, no one was there, just me and him, like a space without gravity and material, but panic and anger filled every element between us. As a result, he just spit out a cold sentence: You chose it yourself. My tears kept flowing, I dragged my weak legs and pretended to be strong to leave. But anyone who sees it knows that strong tears will not flow so quickly.
Dad, it was a pleasure talking to you today.
After getting married, my father was like nothing, and the son I found for him also said that I was making a fuss before. I didn't say anything, life went on. Gradually, I felt my husband became more and more like Dad, and he started to lose his temper for no reason. I was surprised at first, then confused, and finally trembling. I repeated to my friends, and none of them believed that the analysis showed that I was too afraid to express myself and that my husband would be unhappy. As a result, his demands on me were only balanced by extreme demands. The more he cursed, the more afraid I became, the more I ran away, the more angry he became.
Everything is like a loop. It's so similar that I don't even believe it myself. Every time he scolds—it’s not actually an angry scold, even if it’s a small scold, the monster in my heart pops out of the shadows, and the whole person looks numb and twitches. I can’t beat him, I really can’t beat him. The scolding sounded like a spell, and I couldn't move. Soon, I couldn't take the scolding, and neither could my husband, and I ended up pulling him into a dead end together.
Dad, you killed Asuka with my hands!
Ikari Shinji is like me from another world. I looked at his disgusting cowardice and made me hate myself even more. My absolute realm doesn't have any offensive or defensive role in the real world, it just turns me into an acquired crippled woman. This is how many offensive and defensive battles he has played, and how many articles I have written about self-treatment, but it cannot be saved.
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