Today, we will discuss through the psychological drama "Inquiry with the Heart":
What hurts children the most in a divorced family?
And what can we do to help children through this difficult time?
01
Sophie is a 12-year-old female student who was a visitor in the first season of "Inspecting the Heart". Her parents are divorced, and she lives with her mother. The mother-daughter relationship is very bad, and she often quarrels. In her eyes, her mother is a stupid and useless woman who cries at every turn and cannot communicate at all. She wanted to leave her mother and live with her father. But because of the opposition of the father's new wife, it has been unable to do so. In Sophie's heart, her father is the best man in the world. She loves her very much and will support all her thoughts.
Sophie said, "If it wasn't for my mother being too stupid and difficult to get along with, my father would never have left this house; if my new wife was not too unkind, my father would have taken me away." Sophie initially walked into Paul's house. Consultation room, stemming from a car accident. She was hit by a large truck while riding her bike. However, according to the description of the witnesses at the scene, she actually hit it by herself, suspected of committing suicide. Therefore, the school asked Sophie to see a psychiatrist for a psychiatric evaluation.
02
At first, Sophie was on guard , often attacking Paul with harsh and mean language . But every time, Paul received her attack steadily and watched her with tender eyes . Later, from Sophie's fragmentary account, Paul gradually learned the truth about her parents' divorce. Sophie's dad is a photographer and often takes pictures of different models. Once, Sophie came back from school early and accidentally witnessed her father having an affair. She was shocked and sad. But his father promised him: "Baby, I love you very much. As long as you don't tell mom about this, I won't leave you."
In order to maintain a complete family, Sophie chose to keep her father a secret . She subconsciously kept suppressing her anger towards her father, and convinced herself: "Dad loves me. As long as I always love my father, he will not leave me." A model is gone. For this, Sophie felt very hurt . In order to relieve her inner frustration , she transferred her hatred of her father to her mother: "It's all my fault that my mother is so stupid and so incompetent that I can't keep my father, so I lost my father. " , the mother became the scapegoat for this tragedy, and the mother-daughter relationship became worse and worse.
03
In the consultation room, Paul could see that Sophie 's cognition and emotion towards her parents were not objective and reasonable . But every time he tried to clarify, Sophie fought back vigorously : "Are you colluding with my mother? Talking for my mother all day! Are you jealous of my father? Sow discord all day long!"
It was not until after three events that Sophie's perception of Paul gradually changed.
The first thing: Once, on the way to the consultation, she was drenched in the rain. Paul kindly asked his wife to change Sophie's clothes and dry the wet clothes for her. At that time, Sophie truly experienced the feeling of being cared for by her "parents".
Second thing: Sophie once told Paul that she was insulted by a male classmate at a party the day before yesterday. At that time, Paul was very angry and scolded unconsciously: "He's really a rogue!" At that time, Sophie really felt the feeling of being protected by "father".
The third thing: Once, after her trauma exposure in the consultation room, Sophie went into the bathroom, swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills, attempted suicide again, and was rushed to the hospital. According to the normal process, she is likely to be put in a mental hospital for treatment. But Paul vouched for her and picked her up from the hospital.
Because Paul knew very well in his heart: this was a test for Sophie to test whether Paul would abandon himself because of it. Later, when Paul chose to continue to do psychotherapy for Sophie, Sophie finally truly realized the feeling of "even if she gets into trouble, she will not be abandoned" . Since then, she has completely let down her guard and completely trusted Paul.
04
Later, with Paul's clarification, Sophie began to re-examine her relationship with her dad. Although Dad often expresses his love for her verbally, at the same time, Dad keeps hurting her in behavior - cheating, running away from home, abandoning his daughter for a new wife, and rarely coming back to visit her. It is precisely because of her father's behavior that she can't feel her father's love, so Sophie gradually lost her hope in life, and under the subconscious drive, she crashed into a big truck and tried to commit suicide.
Later, under the guidance of Paul, Sophie also began to re-examine the mother around her. Although my mother has a vulnerable side, she often cries in front of her. But at the same time, the mother also has a strong side - even if her daughter has been talking badly to her for a long time, she will always stick to her daughter's side and never give up. After seeing this clearly, Sophie began to realize her mother's selflessness and greatness, and truly felt her mother's love and care for her. As a result, her relationship with her mother also began to gradually ease.
Later, in a face-to-face conversation with her father, Sophie bravely expressed her anger towards her father: "You don't really love me at all, you always use rhetoric to deceive me, but you never think about me in action. "When the daughter exposed the truth, Dad was shocked and had to start reflecting on what he had done. Later, the father finally realized his mistake and sincerely apologized to his daughter. In this way, with her father's awakening and cooperation, Sophie safely passed through this difficult period of growth and successfully entered the university. Many years later, she sincerely expressed her gratitude in Paul's personal blog: "Thank you for saving me."
Finally, I would like to use this case to say to all divorced parents: In a divorced family, what hurts children the most is not the separation from the parents, but the loss of parental love. After realizing this, parents work together to maintain the output of love for their children, which is the premise to ensure the smooth growth of children. Don't forget, even if the relationship between husband and wife is no longer, your children are still your children.
Text/Guangzhou Mangrove Psychological Counseling tangle
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