Write on the front: Actually, I wrote this paragraph after writing the main text. Every word in the text was rewritten after I wandered in my heart and shouted countless times these days. It took three and a half hours to do it in one go. Because of emotional agitation and missing dinner, my heart beat faster and my hands trembled after writing. , a sense of relief, but my heart is empty: the feelings I have been brewing for them for a long time have finally been released, but they are no longer my own in my heart. Yes, what I wrote is the Lou and David in my heart, the characters that have been tempered in my emotions after combining movies, novels and reality, in the final analysis, it is just what I want to see them.
Are there fairies in this world? have. He is Lucian Carr, played by Dane DeHaan. To be precise, he is a goblin, and a goblin is just one more word for a goblin, but it secretly diffuses that ubiquitous seduction and charm.
The first time I saw "Kill Your Love" was two years ago. At that time, like the old man and the little man in the movie, I was deeply attracted by Lu. Later, I found out that this was actually based on a true story. This talented and beautiful boy with a destructive temperament, those fans who later became literary giants, and that idiotic uncle who had been entangled in years and never gave up, had all walked through the tunnel of time and couldn't. Speaking of the feeling in my heart, only two words can describe it.
I have always wanted to write something for this little goblin that everyone is obsessed with, and about that confusing relationship, but I haven't dared to write. Until some time ago, I read the movie over and over again, torn apart and smashed it to pieces, and I also read the famous novel "The Hippo Was Cooked to Death in the Sink" with a peculiar name. After deliberating for a long time, I finally decided to On such a winter night, I wrote those words in my heart.
In winter, there is a lot of wind and dust. Because the windows are open for ventilation, a thin layer of dust has accumulated on the wooden floor for only one day, losing its original luster. I was going to cook something to eat, then clean up, take a nice hot shower, and write my stuff in a very clean and bright environment after all this. However, after thinking about it again and again, I didn't eat, I didn't clean, and I turned off all the lights, only a little faint light came in from the window. I curled up on the sofa and opened the notebook, the blue glowing light became the only thing in the darkness, lonely and uninvited. This kind of messy and dim environment should be closer to the feeling of the background of the story at that time. At that moment, I felt closer to them.
There is no doubt about Lucian's beauty. The letters and novels of the giants describe his adoration for all beings without hesitation, and the juvenile feeling with fatal temptation presented to us by Dai Hanhan is even more suffocating. In fact, Lu's real photos didn't surprise me, but Dai Hanhan's eyes, an inexplicable smile, and a slightly crying voice were really unbearable, yes, unbearable. Whether Lou loves him or not, or whether he loves David Kemero, is a matter of opinion. And I think yes, loved it.
What kind of person is David? "Hippo" describes it this way: "Ramsey Allen is in his mid-forties, gray-haired, handsome, tall, but a little slack, looking like a tattered actor, or a former celebrity. He's a Southerner, and he calls himself a high-class family—every Southerner says so. He's very smart, but he can't see it now, and Philip is smitten like a shy vulture, his face turned around like a shy vulture. with a weak and sad smirk." Few words, but very expressive, the image of an idiot is vivid on the paper. David in "Killing Your Love" is a handsome uncle who is familiar with big hair. He has the robustness and calmness of middle-aged people. He is a little down and out, but he can walk on the podium and conquer the students in the classroom with a little bit of tidying up. He can still easily control the situation in front of people, only in front of his beloved Lu Lu, he begs, he begs for mercy, as if waiting for a trial. In reality, David came from a wealthy middle-class family. He was an English teacher and sports coach at the University of Washington. In 1939, the 28-year-old Kemero met the 14-year-old at a Boy Scout training event. Lucian also fell madly in love with the teenager. In the following 5 years, he went wherever Lu went, and followed Lu to 5 schools. William Burroughs, one of Kemero's petites and a member of the Beat Generation, described Kemero as "always funny, a veritable party centerpiece, with no middle-class conservative morals". Moreover, in the real photo of David, it is a very handsome young man with a pair of beautiful eyes.
Well, the image of David as a young man is very clear: tall, healthy and handsome, intelligent and resourceful, rich in life, bright future, very popular. He is a homosexual, it is nothing, if he can find a man who loves each other, even if the society at that time treats homosexuality like a beast, he may still have a lot of bitterness and a lot of sweet life with his lover. It's a pity that he loved the wrong person, or in other words, the wrong way, and in the end he ruined everything for himself, and almost ruined the boy he loved.
We know that Lu is the center of attention wherever he goes, and there are countless people who love him. This beautiful young man has a gloomy temperament, and there is a kind of crazy self-destruction in his brilliance. Was this unique, mesmerizing leprechaun born this way? I think it has a lot to do with David. There is no doubt that David must have done his best to take care of his Lulu in life. In literature, David has also inspired him, and David should have taught him a lot. Like a brother like a father, a good teacher and a good friend, if it is limited to such a relationship, I think Lu should be able to grow into a sunny boy under such love. However, David's fanatical pursuit and entanglement made the teenager embarrassed. From the age of 14 to 19, he was always just a child. Even if a boy in this age group is with a girl of the same age, talking about a so-called "normal" love in the eyes of the world, he may not be able to handle this maturely. Emotions, not to mention the maddening pursuit of a same-sex who is 14 years older than him. A 14-year-old boy met a 28-year-old excellent mature man for the first time. The man brought him endless love and knowledge. I think the boy must be dependent on the man, and he also has big and small worship. But later the boy found out that the man's love for him is a kind of same-sex love, with a strong possessiveness, the boy should be stunned, confused, and then afraid, this taboo love deeply stimulated the boy. heart, he instinctively wanted to escape, but found that there was no way to escape. What is he afraid of? Maybe it was a hindsight to discover that his sexuality also has an unspeakable side? Perhaps it is to notice that a seedling called love has gradually sprouted in the soil of dependence and worship? In the real world, Lucian Carr and his crush Allen Ginsburg had a relationship, which at least proves that he is not a straight steel straight man who would rather not bend. His homosexuality probably originated from David's spiritual enlightenment. In the movie, David once said to Lu Lu with a heartbreak, "You said that I am everything to you", but Lu did not refute it, which shows that he really once said that, even at a certain time, even at a certain moment, he really loved him. Looking at David - how can there be no love in your heart when you say such an affectionate and ambiguous word? And "Hippo" also has a section where Philip kisses Al after drinking.
He loved, at least did. The inability to deceive oneself to a man like a father, a teacher, or an older brother can make a boy panic and even feel ashamed. The discrimination and intolerance of homosexuality in society is more like a cold hand strangling the throat. The panic-stricken Lu couldn't bear it. And David's deformed love made him even more frightened, watching him all the time, eager to get his response, in fact, how selfish this love is, just love for his own love. Lu, who was overwhelmed, no longer thought about whether he loved David or not, and just wanted to get out of this cage of love. Several escapes, several failures. Under such severe pressure, the boy who once hoped to grow into a sunshine boy was destroyed into another appearance: bohemian, deviant, even his talent had an aura of death, and he was blessed with amazing beauty. All of these factors make him the muse of the beat generation - he's just watching you do nothing, your inspiration is like a fountain of water, and when he wants you to do something, you It will definitely not hesitate, even if moths fly into the flames.
David and Ginsberg have had several relationships. It is a common plot in tanmei novels that a rival in love turns into a lover, but David and Ginsberg are obviously not. They are always rivals in love, and they always love the same person. Will they confide in each other their deep love for Lu when they do, God, I can't imagine. But David has never done it with Lu. There is no doubt that David is very eager to have sex with Lu, and he must have made a request to Lu more than once, but in the end it has not been realized, only because Lu has refused very firmly more than once. for him - my heart has been lost, but you won't get more from me.
I've been thinking, if David hadn't so morbidly imprisoned his beloved boy with love, but silently guarded him, gave him time for him to grow, and slowly revealed his love when the time was right, Lu would how? Maybe, maybe the ending will be different? Or did Lu gradually clarify his feelings for David in a self-awareness of natural growth rather than external interference? It's a pity that David painted the ground as a prison and finally died in his own cage. When he imprisoned Lu, he also imprisoned himself.
After being released from prison, Lucian Carr made a clean break with his past. He quickly changed from a crazy young genius to a low-key reliable young man. He married a wife and had children. Respect. Whether it is the chaotic first half of his life or the solid second half of his life, there are always many people who like him, and this kind of personality charm is really admirable. For me, he was Lucian in the first half of his life, and Carl in the second half of his life. My favorite is obviously that Lucian.
I have always hoped to have two crossings, one to see the Lanling King who took off his mask, and one to ask Lucian if he ever loved David. Now I don't want to ask Lu any more, I want to go back to the moment when Lu took out the boy's knife at David and ask David that vulgar question: If life could be repeated, would you still love him?
I've been thinking about it day and night, and I've been thinking a lot about Lu and David recently. I finally saw them in my early morning sleep. That scene is the same as Lu's lying on his lap after confessing to Alan about David in "Kill Your Love", except that Alan's position becomes David. Allen's lewdness in the movie became my dream at that wondrous moment—just nothing to do with Allen—and Lu gently held David's finger as the two of them looked at each other quietly.
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