Control and obedience are mentioned many times in this novel. Obviously, these two people do not belong to the legendary "evenly matched" love. As mentioned at the end of the book, the two are intertwined vines with a unique dependence and support for each other.
(1) love
On the surface, M is the one who takes the initiative to drive the rhythm, but her subtext has always been to ask C to control her. The beginning of her shouting is not "I'm going to start doing something" but "You can start doing something to me".
She had been too frank with him from the beginning of her confession, and this frankness was not based on knowing each other well, but on her own decision to give herself completely to the other party.
She seems to be indomitable, but she is unwilling to control the process and ending. She seems to have always presupposed that C will leave in the end, and presupposed that she will obey all his decisions, including separation. From the tentative temptations about other girls and jokes about assuming that the two are separated, it can be seen that she has never been confident in controlling the relationship between the two.
C wants to control the rhythm, and he is a person who is used to being in control of his surroundings, which makes him feel safe. His home, school, stable social circle, these are the sources of his sense of security, so even if there are factors that he does not like, as long as the system is stable, he will not want to make any changes.
Paradoxically, he's a very gentle and nice guy who doesn't like pillage and encroachment. So he will not try to conquer some dangerous things, he prefers to take a step back to protect his own small world.
At first he wasn't confident enough to take charge of their "dangerous relationship".
He is well aware of the unique attraction between the two, and after M confessed, he couldn't hide his happiness. But he did not intend to develop seriously with M.
Who knew that it was originally curiosity and temptation, but he fell deeper and deeper. His love and fear are getting stronger every day, and his love is so strong that he is willing to risk a life that is closer to M (the book explicitly mentions that he took the Trinity exam for M, but it is more subtle in the play) At the same time his fears are strong enough to deliberately do things that hurt M: alienate her, keep silent when she is being bullied, invite another girl to the dance.
Like M, he has the attitude of ending the relationship at any time, and this process is also very painful for him, because he cares about M more than he thinks.
When they were together in freshman year, he still didn't have enough confidence in the relationship. If the lack of confidence in high school is due to the fear of disrupting one’s stable life, college is the panic in the face of realistic pressures (tuition fees, classmate competition, class differences).
He knew he was special in M's heart, but he still didn't think they would have a solid future. For him, a solid future is not based on their unreserved love, but on having a career, an economic foundation, a stable circle in which he feels safe. No amount of M's love could eliminate his unease. It's easy to understand why he couldn't identify M's duplicity, causing a huge misunderstanding. Or maybe he subconsciously wanted to create such a misunderstanding to escape back into his comfort zone.
(2) Affectionate
Until this paragraph, I was a little disappointed with C. After all, we all expect a boy to be more courageous and decisive. But it's really been a long time to see people's hearts, and the more I go on, the more I feel that C is a rare good boy.
In fact, before the misunderstanding, you can already see the traces of his slow change. In front of M, he has been able to express his love very directly. He also works hard to overcome his shy and reserved personality to express his love in front of outsiders (the hugs and kisses by the pool are one of the most moving scenes in the show).
Later, he stabilized financially and his career improved, and he gradually began to release his true desires. Separation is painful, but from God's perspective, C's step-by-step efforts are full of love.
From the conflict about J, to Italy's candid words that were once hard to say, to the deep affectionate emails. M exiles himself while he tries to do what he should have done long ago: love her honestly and never let her out of his life.
At this time, his love is hopeless: he has a girlfriend, and M has no intention of turning back. His efforts have nothing to do with possession, but only hope to make up for the past hurt.
About C's depression, probably the most subjective part of my interpretation (I don't want to mislead anyone, it is strongly recommended to skip!)
After a year apart, he became depressed, the immediate cause of what appeared to be the death of a high school friend.
There was no harbinger of his depression. He has already won the full prize and does not worry about tuition fees. He doesn't like Dublin, but he has made friends. He also has a very good girlfriend and is living a normal and stable life (although M is a big cute, I have to admit that Halen is the real normal person in the show). He even placed his love well, calmly and persuaded M to open his eyes and find a good boyfriend. What exactly is wrong?
The only thing that's wrong is that M loses contact from time to time, and the gossip about her living a wild life: Why can't I help her even after trying so hard? Why did she leave, and even the comfort and security that he once wanted most, no longer made him happy?
Rob's death is a breaking point: if I can't save you, I'll be you. If I am as far away from the world as you are, and helpless, will you come back to me?
M really came back, she gave him the long-lost tenderness across the screen, he stared at her silhouette reading a book like a life-saving straw, and fell asleep peacefully in her company.
As expected by C, M will flee from a happy him, but will not reject a despairing him. He finally reconnected with her, even if it was sadness that connected them.
(This paragraph is purely subjective, I'm not saying that C's depression is intentional or fake, it's not scientific. I just think that M is at least half of the cause of C's depression, self-blame, self-doubt, guilt-missing for M, loss of M The emptiness is the biggest blow to him. I didn't mean to write some tricky angles to make a public impression, but the first reaction I really saw here was shock: this guy is so depressed...)
(3) Affection
After this time, they finally resumed their relationship, and C became more and more undisguised about his love and dependence on M. And because M shares C's vulnerability, he gets closer to C. It's just that they have experienced the previous tragic failure, and both of them are cautiously testing, afraid of destroying the hard-won peace.
However, there are always some unresolved knots that need to be solved: C is afraid that he will screw things up and hurt M again, and M still can't fully believe that C really loves her. This worrying about gains and losses is because they really care about each other, not just in need of each other, but because they feel that the other person is a better person than themselves. (This kind of uncertainty brought about by "feeling the other person is too good" really makes me envious and jealous. How lucky I am to meet a person who will never tire of it for a long time.)
So the author arranged a conflict with his brother, C finally bravely and decisively once, firmly told M that she could rely on him, and he would not let anyone hurt her. C is really mature.
In the end, the two finally reached an unprecedented harmony, and could see friends together, go home together, talk about work, talk about high school, talk about M's family, and the butterfly fanning of the outside world no longer created a hurricane between them.
The story seems to have been completed here, but in fact, they are still far from "evenly matched" love. C's career has just started, he still has to work hard to gain a firm foothold in that circle, and he will encounter many temptations. M still lacks self-confidence (at the end of the book, she suspects that C is in love with a female editor), in addition to love, she has to think about her future direction.
A year in a different place is nothing, they still have to face many big and small tests, and they will continue to quarrel and friction. Maybe they'll break up arguing, maybe they'll stick together until their hair turns white -- who knows, what does it matter? The important thing is that C is more courageous and firm, and M begins to control his own life. Love makes them better people. Such love will become the most solid force in future life.
(4) Postscript
The interpretation of C is much more than that of M, because I feel that C is indeed the harder side in their relationship in the later period, while M has been struggling with himself until the depressed C needs her, and she really starts to get better .
In fact, the time span of the story is only 4 years, but both of them have undergone reborn changes. C constantly breaks his own limitations, has achieved achievements in his career that he never dared to imagine before, and has become a more considerate and expressive person emotionally. good man. M walked out of his original family, made good friends, and slowly learned to love himself, the world, and rebuild his life.
This change is not just because of love, the biggest reason is that they are all smart and kind-hearted people. I believe that even if they don't meet each other, they will find a way out. In addition, they have the help of friends and family, and whether the relationship is going well or not, they are studying and working hard to enrich themselves. The book describes their study life and interactions with other people more than the play. This is very true. Love is the most intense in youth, but youth is not only about love. They are also changing and growing in the process of learning and thinking and colliding with the surrounding environment.
The kind of love that is exclusive and cannot be integrated with the surrounding environment is not conducive to human growth. Just like a section in their high school, all that was left to them was hurt. Two people can encourage each other to explore the world and integrate into each other's world, so that they can go for a long time.
Regarding their respective emotional experiences during the separation stage, I think the author has taken too much care of the readers' feelings and emphasized the special bond between the two of them. In fact, an ordinary person can't see his own destiny clearly in the game. Everyone who is slightly better may be the "hit person", and everyone who can eliminate loneliness and bring comfort is like a life-saving straw. The understanding of "it is necessary for him" and "unique" often takes a long period of trial and error to form. This might explain that C was special until M was special so early, but didn't cherish her very much. It can also explain why two people love so deeply but they can't break up. So there's really no need to brood over the lover's emotional experience. We are all ordinary people who are easy to sway and need trial and error.
I want to write here, I can say goodbye to C and M completely.
After my lovelorn, I thought it was all right, but the dull pain lasted for almost two years. As time passed, the details and subtle feelings that I had not noticed before became clearer. I have reviewed things countless times, and each time I have a new understanding, I have discovered many unknown corners of my heart that have not been exposed to the sun. I read this book by chance, and chewed my memory again while reading it. It seems that there is a new understanding of myself and the intimacy of the past.
I also finally got up the courage to text the person I hurt to apologize. I can't judge his mood and state from his reply. I think that means our bond is really over.
I thought I would be relieved, but it was still sad. "It's normal sadness" I told myself, "Every ordinary person, maybe they live with such sadness"
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