In the first episode of the first season, Chuck, as a federal prosecutor, is preparing to sue the fund of hedge fund boss Axe, and his wife Wendy is working at the fund may have a conflict of interest, so the husband and wife Wendy and Chuck start to quarrel over whether she should leave the fund. After six ferocious quarrel conversations back and forth, calm for a second, immediately transformed into his own vulnerable expression and praise for the other party.
Wendy: Let's take this down a notch. Wendy: Let's all calm down. (Stop attacking and venting) Chuck: Yeah. Chuck: Yeah. Wendy: ljust... I don't know where all this is coming from, and you know I don't like to be manipulated. Wendy: ljust... I don't know where all this is coming from, and you know I don't like to be manipulated. I don't like people pointing fingers at me. (Analyze and express the subjective reasons and subjective feelings why you are angry.) Chuck: I am not manipulating. Chuck: I am not pointing fingers at you. Wendy: Not that that's what you were doing, but that's what I felt like. And of course your job's important. You're a superhero. And I'm super proud of you. But my thing matters to me, too. Wendy : It's not that you really did it, it's just that I feel that way. Also, of course your work is important, you are a superhero and I am so proud of you. But my work is also very important to me. (Start complimenting each other and expressing your own needs.) Chuck: Of course. You're killing it. Chuck: Of course. You work so well. (Respond to understand the other person's needs while also complimenting the other person.)
Here are the notes I took while watching Billions:
How to fight constructively?
1
From childhood to adulthood, you watch parents quarrel, watch people around you quarrel, passers-by quarrel, watch quarrels in Hong Kong, Taiwan and mainland dramas, and watch people quarrel on the Internet. Those quarrels are all about venting their emotions and attacking each other.
The purpose of those quarrels was never to solve problems, express vulnerability, increase understanding, and establish connection.
Quarrels that only vent their emotions are not high-level.
2
Metacommunication is communication about communication. Successful and efficient quarrels require each other to communicate how to communicate.
3
There is a joke that it took me many years to understand that the biggest purpose of online quarrels is to piss off each other, not to convince each other.
4
Advanced quarrels need to know how to restrain.
Game of Thrones has this passage:
“Can a man still be brave if he is afraid?”
“That is the only time a man can be brave.”
It is only when you are fearful that your actions show that you are brave. In the same way, how easy it is to be a rational person at ordinary times, only when you are the most emotional, what you do and say can show whether you are a person who can control your emotions.
5
A friend told me that a man she didn't really like chased after her and said "I think we're a good match", and she got very angry.
I said, what's there to be angry about, you should think it's ridiculous and just ignore it, shouldn't you?
If someone can irritate you with just one sentence, then what he said must have hit your sore spot.
Remember those classic scenes in the movie that irritate others? There is always someone who says, Oh, I think your father must be an alcoholic, and he always beat you and your mother when you were young, right? Immediately afterwards, a fist was thrown in the camera.
In fact, they are all angry with themselves. If you don’t vent your resentment and anger towards others, you can only reconcile with yourself.
It's not worth being angry with a stranger. The person who hates you, even if you make every excuse, he still hates you. And those who love you will love you even more.
6
Adults in relationships are also children.
A child is angry and crying because he can't express his needs properly. He's hungry, thirsty, tired, lazy, but he can only express it emotionally to get your attention. As a parent, you need to understand the reason behind your child's crying. The same is true in a relationship. The other party loses his temper with you. In fact, it may be that he is jealous and lonely. He thinks that you are not paying enough attention to him, or even that he thinks that you are too close, so he deliberately distances himself by getting angry.
Every time you get angry, you are actually expressing vulnerability.
7
Incouple therapy of Wendy and chuck, Wendy complains about Chuck wearing suit to a dinner party when she specifically told him to not dress like that. But actually the reason Chuck was wearing a suit is because he felt that Wendy could do better than him.He wanted to wear something that wouldn't make others look at them and wonder, gee, what is she doing with him. Wendy had never had the idea that he felt that way. And once Chuck said it, he was expressing his vulnerability. AndWendy stopped complaining and started understanding.
Wendy and Chuck are doing couples counseling in order to save their relationship. Wendy complained to the psychologist that Chuck wore an overly formal suit to a dinner party with friends a few days ago, and Wendy had made it clear to him in advance not to wear a suit and to be casual and friendly. The reason Wendy was so pissed and clinging about this little thing was because she felt that Chuck could never forget his status as the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, so he always wore a suit. When he does this, he is always reminding every family and friends around him that the rest of you are just working part-time jobs, and only you are fighting for a vision. She felt that this kind of flamboyant announcement to the world was annoying.
Chuck listened to Wendy's complaints the whole time without saying a word. Finally, he interrupted, "Don't you ever realize that the reason I'm doing this is because I'm worried that I'm not good enough for you? Don't you see the eyes other people look at us? I don't want to dress casually and sloppily As for the question that everyone asks when they see me: Um, why on earth is she still with him?"
Wendy froze for a moment, looked at Chuck, and said softly, I never thought you would feel this way. Once Chuck showed vulnerability, Wendy stopped getting mad at him and started to understand him.
8
Advanced quarrels are quarrels that can establish a connection.
9
In In Treatment, the patient also often attacks the counselor, trying to provoke the counselor with the counselor's character weakness or even the sore points in his private life that he secretly inquired about.
One of the patients, Mia, who has been attacking the counselor Paul, is about to go into a rage, but refrains from saying a word, and then says, It seems that you are pushing me so that you can end this treatment. Is it possible that you are goingading me because it's easier to feel angry with me than look at your own pain?
He restrained his emotions, did not defend himself, did not fall into the trap of the patient and quarreled with the patient, but immediately calmed down and analyzed it from the patient's point of view. She tried to provoke the vulnerability behind her, and other deep-seated purposes what is. As a result, the struggle between the two people was successfully cooled down immediately.
10
Only by dropping the ego can the broken relationship be repaired and reconnected.
Ego and emotions
In quarrels, it is important to think about what the purpose of the quarrel is and what is the reason for the quarrel.
When expressing your dissatisfaction in an emotional way, click and take it.
Only by letting go of the ego can you really start thinking from the other person's point of view. Only by letting go of the ego can the goal be achieved.
11
High-level quarrels are constructive quarrels.
12
peak value and end value
A fight should always end in a good way. A fight should end up with feeling deeper connection between the two.
Wisdom knows how to advance, wisdom knows how to retreat.
13
When should you be angry when you must be angry?
One is that someone very close has done something wrong. At this time, anger is a feedback, and you must give a positive feedback when the other party does something you like. Express any thoughts directly and you will both get better and better.
Of course, anything trivial in life is nothing to be angry about. There is nothing to be angry about in the big truth. If you win the debate, but lose the relationship, you will regret it.
The other is, at work. At this point, anger is a message. Entrepreneurship is often a wartime, and sometimes it is too late to calmly explain why. Strong emotions are used to convey information quickly, to emphasize importance, and to express firmness. But don't use any insulting words.
Anger should always be a means, not an end.
14
When should you give up?
As Alain de Botton said, you can't just see what makes you happy in another person, but more importantly, what makes you crazy, uncomfortable, and neurotic in another person. For example, you're not happy if others don't agree with you, or you're not happy if others change your plans. Don't overestimate your sanity, everyone is a nice guy when you're alone, but everyone can go crazy because of some tiny thing the other does. There's no right or wrong, it's just a chemical reaction. Stay away from people who make you mad, irritable, and make you bad, and surround yourself with people who make you better.
15
The difference between Chinese and foreigners quarreling
In foreign psychological counseling, counselors often need to convince patients that it's not your fault. The Chinese seem to have less of this problem. Because Chinese people think it's all other people's fault. It's the parents' fault, the lover's fault, the colleague's fault, the stranger's fault.
A fundamental problem with Chinese-style quarrels is that the smallest unit in Western society is the individual, and the smallest unit in Eastern society is the family. The boundaries between people in Chinese families are very blurred, so in a Chinese family, you can't say "It's none" of your business", and "It's private. It's my own choice".
When you can't draw a boundary between yourself and others, you can only argue about right and wrong, and you can only attack each other.
16
A typical Chinese-style apology for a man is - I'm wrong, okay?
The subtext is, I don't want to quarrel with you. The purpose is to make a truce, to shut up the woman, in order to prevent herself from saying more serious things, to avoid escalating the quarrel, and to avoid the deterioration of the relationship.
A man goes through several hurdles to apologize: The first step is to downplay his mistakes by rationalizing them, thinking he didn't have much wrong. The second step is to rationalize your mistakes and think that even if you are wrong, it is for a reason and can be forgiven. The third step is that when there is no escape, men have to face the psychological pressure brought about by a straightforward apology, and Chinese people have never been good at expressing love and apology directly.
When a man with a big ego makes a mistake, he doesn't necessarily need to formalize the apology with verbal words, but it will escalate the quarrel and worsen the relationship, and let him express his apology with behavior, such as giving you a gift, Or spend more time with the company, or provide a special service.
17
Chinese women are even more reluctant to apologize for their mistakes. They have a typical delusion that no matter who the problem is, only if a man apologizes to her first, can he show that he is willing to put down his body for himself and do things he is usually unwilling to do. This is true love.
In fact, there is no logic in this. In fact, it is a desire for control, and it is also a manifestation of insecurity and self-confidence.
18
If two people can talk, it is not the same topic, but the same logic. But for two people to talk deeply, it is not the same logic, but the same level of metacognitive ability.
I used to think that the ability to establish a connection is a matter of consistent worldview and values, emotional rationality, and emotional intelligence.
Recently realized that this is not the case, connection is actually meta-cognition and empathy, meta-cognition and empathy.
Metacognition is the cognition of cognition is the most important, in fact, it is more suitable to translate into perception. People of different dimensions cannot have two connections, and it is difficult for people from the second floor perspective to explain what they see to those from the first floor perspective.
Empathy is the ability to share another person's feelings and emotions as they are your own. Goosebumps, standing hair, throbbing, tears, floods...
However, people with strong metacognitive ability may not have any empathy ability. For example, people with psychopath have no empathy ability, although their IQ and disguised emotional intelligence are explosive, as are many presidents, politicians, and killers.
As long as anyone has a connection with you at any time, you will not be alone. So you saw through me is a very beautiful word. To see and to be seen.
19
The biggest advantage of watching a drama is that it shows you that things you have never seen and experienced really exist and can be done. It turns out that quarrels can be like this. After watching how Hundred Thousand Miles quarreled and then to see how Meteor Garden quarreled, it would be very strange.
The best thing about knowledge is that, once you learn it, you can not un-learn it.
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