Working from home still beats me in this particular time. Not long ago, for more than a week, I had been in an uncontrollable state of emotional ups and downs, like sitting on pins and needles, like an abyss.
Insomnia has long been a common occurrence, and there is no need to mention it now. It's just that when I had insomnia, I would read the news and read e-books to fall asleep. And for more than a week, the restless thoughts in my head have been like boiling water, and no matter how I try, I can't make it calm.
Yes, I'm out of control.
I've lost my temper, I've cried, I've diverted my attention, and I've settled with a friend I've been in trouble with for a long time, but it doesn't work.
I think what people fear most is not to step back, or to climb forward, but to doubt and deny themselves by standing in place. I have sworn to say that depression is no match for me in this life; I have also said unequivocally that I love life and my job, and I will always be a very positive little public deed.
So many times, while I fell, I told myself that I had to get up no matter how painful it was. It's like arguing with my boyfriend. I think I see the essence of the matter. Even if the quarrel is heart-wrenching today, tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, I still have to shake hands and make peace. Life is also like a tortuous electrocardiogram. Sometimes it is high, sometimes low, and when it is high, you must know that it will go down, and when it is low, you must remind yourself that there will always be more. time to ascend.
I should not be short-sighted and hopeless at every turn. However, this time, it didn't work.
Until I watched a movie, "Transcendence" .
Because I was afraid of being alone and wanted to find some clues to sort out my emotions, I kept watching movies at home. I accidentally saw someone recommending the movie "Transcendence". I read the introduction and was still interested, so I watched it.
On the surface, this is a terrifying film.
At the beginning of the story, the male protagonist Henry went to a temporary teaching school as a substitute. On the way to school, even in a classroom where he was insulted, ridiculed, and provoked by students, he showed his composure. But life is always full of foreshadowings.
The film says: "We all have problems, we all have things to deal with at the moment, we all, take problems home at night, and take problems to work during the day, I think, this kind of helplessness is like drifting at sea without a life jacket. ,Insecure."
Henry, too, had a terrible life. His mother committed suicide by taking sleeping pills when he was very young, leaving him a nightmare shadow; his grandfather had Alzheimer's disease, and he went to the hospital every day after get off work to visit his troubled grandfather.
When the movie shows the real side of Henry's life, it's hard to imagine how he, who has experienced all these misfortunes, can still insist on being a gentleman in a messy school. Facing a student who was going to knock him to the ground, he didn't swear, he didn't get angry, but he was still so polite.
For this, I am extremely ashamed. Many times because of my busy work and many things, I yelled at others and had no patience with my family. In the past, I always blamed the pace too fast, there were too many things, and I became like this. I tried to restrain myself and wanted to be better, but in the end I didn't.
Henry didn't want others to see his dark side, he just wanted to expose his best appearance to the sun. To this end, even though he is already like a balloon that will burst at any time, he is still trying to show his best side to others.
How much like us poor adults, no matter what quarrels, how much weeping, how desperate we go after we get home from get off work, when the morning comes, we still wake up with the reminder of the alarm clock to get up and dress up and wear clothes. Put on your cleanest looking clothes and start your day aggressively.
I usually behave badly when it comes to dealing with other people. This pains me terribly.
I'm not more worried about the eyes of others, but I hate how often I look hideous.
Then I pushed back and thought, why did it become what it is today? Work? money? desire? Ambition?
Then I ask myself again and again, is it worth it? does it worth? Is it all worth it?
Then I feel like I'm falling, falling, falling endlessly.
Henry, who lives in the quagmire in the movie, still has a glimmer of hope, some justice. When he was on the bus, he met Erica, a homeless prostitute who was beaten and raped, and finally took her home. Help her heal the wound and give her a bed to sleep on.
The young prostitute Erica, when she first arrived at Henry's house, didn't seem to have the slightest sense of what happened to her and her behavior. She accepted her current life, and she felt that there was nothing wrong with her and no misfortune. So the day after Henry brought her home, she picked up guests at Henry's house.
Erica thought she would go mad and beat her when she ran into Henry, who was picking up guests, but Henry didn't. He first asked the client to pay Erica, then calmed down his emotions and told Erica that she could not bring other people back to his home.
I admired Henry so much at that moment, and his ability to give and love others.
And Erica's real awakening was at this moment, when Henry unexpectedly didn't scold her or drive her away, she began to reflect.
People who lack protection and love need deeper care. You just take them in for one night, just give them a full meal and a good night's sleep, it doesn't destroy the cold in their hearts.
Just the other is usually the biggest obstacle to our giving of love and warmth.
The whole class bullies a girl, even if you want to give her a piece of candy, you will press your own mind when you think that so many people will laugh at you and attack you. Don't do "stupid things".
Just like Meredith, the unloved female student in Henry's class, a fat girl who was laughed at by her classmates, a daughter who was hated by her father who always took some dark pictures, a girl who felt that she would kill herself one day, her parents It doesn't feel like she's not taking good care of her girl either.
The person who communicated with her normally for the first time and gave her affirmation was Henry.
When Henry came to the classroom as usual one morning, this fat girl Meredith wanted to give Henry a confirmation and a hug. She felt that as long as someone gave her a hug, she could live.
But at this time, a female teacher appeared at the door of the classroom. She thought that Henry was harassing the female students and screamed incredulously. The female teacher scared the fat girl Meredith away.
In the end, the fat girl ate the poisonous cake she made herself and committed suicide in front of everyone.
Before that, Henry asked rescuers to come and take Erica away from the house because he felt that he was not suitable for taking Erica. He wants to avoid suspicion.
At that time Erica collapsed, and she begged Henry not to drive her away, not to abandon her. But Henry couldn't do it.
The fat girl's suicide hit Henry deeply. On a sunny and breezy afternoon, he went to visit Erica.
When he saw Erica happily running to him and hugging him, he calmly accepted Erica's hug. At the moment when the two embraced deeply, a dazzling light appeared in the sky.
When I saw the principal lying on the ground broadcasting to the whole school, I was in despair. All the students in the school only heard the voice of the headmaster as usual, telling them to go to a meeting together; but they didn't know that the headmaster had been dismissed from the school, had been divorced, and had lost all hope.
"We all need something that frees us from trivialities and reality, more or less thinking about the root of things, no one wants to think about it, how much effort it takes to get out of the sea of misery, we all need to get out."
But by the end of the 97-minute movie, I felt healed.
I suddenly realized that everyone has difficulties. This is a fact that we have known for a long time, but we have always avoided talking about it, or are unwilling to admit that we are not the worst one. It seems that we have to find an absolute reason for ourselves so that we can release our despair without any scruples.
This movie was like a shot in the arm, it gave me a sudden strength.
I told myself, "The more despair I see, the more I have to live a good life".
I should always turn to the sun at all times, because if I don't take the initiative to turn to the sun, there will be no other colors in my eyes.
Life is a quagmire, a swamp, a heavy rain, a cold wind, an iceberg, a tsunami, and a desert; life is also hope, tomorrow, sunshine, stars, lighthouse, dawn, and nirvana.
Since life has been so difficult, we must muster our strength and move forward step by step.
When you are desperate, think about the good things; when you deny yourself, think about the successful things you have done. You are not that bad, and neither is the world. Life is just a game, and we shouldn't take it too seriously.
"Through our lives, all we have to learn is to embrace each other."
Bless you, and bless myself, no trace of years, no harm in life.
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