Nihal: I didn't leave, couldn't leave. I'm old and crazy now, and I've even become another person. I don't know what's really going on inside of you, but right now I can't let myself go. It wasn't because of you and I that I stayed, there was nothing in Istanbul that I was familiar with, everything was foreign, and it was the same elsewhere. I don't have anyone but you. I miss you every moment. I can never say it because I am too proud. Being separated from you is scary and impossible. But I know you don't love me anymore. I know we can't go back in time, and I don't regret it. Take me as a servant, or as a captive, and let us live as you please. forgive me! Anatolia is beautiful, where the snow comes early and melts slowly. I chose to settle here after retirement, just to enjoy the rest of my life in peace. My life is perfect for most people: I have a young and beautiful wife like you, I have my own hotel and many rental properties, I write columns for the media even though I don't know about those thousands of miles away outside facts. It does make me sick, but I don't want to admit that I've become out of touch with the whole era in this clogged home. I don't want anyone to know the other side of me, the real me as you know it. Ever since Ismail's kids smashed my car window, it's like the truth about my life. It became difficult for me and everyone around me to communicate and trust. I saw the same look in the child's eyes as his father looked at us, full of hatred and resentment. They rented my house and couldn't even pay the rent, I didn't push me, but they hated me. The hatred between the rich and the poor is born in the bones, and it will be passed down and grown. This is class. Class is a wall built by the people themselves. So don't expect goodwill to save the poor, goodwill can only defeat their self-esteem, their hated beliefs, and make them even more angry. "99% of people in Turkey are Muslims, people of this belief should be clean, literate and polite. Shouldn't it be such a comforting image?", I would like to mention some in my article Sensitive topic, I am proud that I also have the highest moral standards, but no one is proud of it but me, you hate me for writing this kind of article, you accuse me of sitting on the moral high ground and humiliating others. Just like at first I didn't understand my sister's theory of fighting evil, she thought fighting evil was better than knowing what criminals need and giving them a chance to repent. I didn't get to know her calmly because I thought from the beginning that this idea was promoting crime. Just like you don't have the patience to understand me.
What will life be like if we don't fight against evil and obey our code of conduct? If we don't blame each other and give up a little bit of our stubbornness in dealing with people, what will we become? ... It doesn't seem to be any better. I am the lucky man in this world, I am not poor. I control my wealth but not my happiness. Every year, guests who come to the hotel from all over the world can communicate with me kindly, but there is a deeper gap between the people who are closer and me. Usually we communicate less and less. I've written a column that has fans who say more to me than you do. We both feel that what the other person is saying may be right or make sense, but we are reluctant to admit our own paranoia. We argue blindly, until we fight, until we are silent. During this period of time, I was in a lot of pain, watching the person I trusted the most questioning me, my lover locked the door to love me in my heart, but I couldn't do anything. We are all too lonely. You loved me with your best days, and now you don't love me but you're used to being stuck here, you hate me but you know you don't know where to go even if I let go. So, you hate me even more. Dear Nihal, I never thought to come back when I decided to go to Istanbul, but I came back soon. Leaving this familiar place I have nothing, the people there are just as difficult to communicate as the people here, I am lonelier than I am now, no, desperate. Our destiny is to stay here, two lonely souls slowly accompany and grow old, even if they can't love each other, they still have to be together. So, Nihal, let me make it up to you, let me be your servant, this is our destiny. I miss being a drama actor, but I never regret being here with you. What I regret is that we spend too much time being self-righteous when in fact we don't know anything. We are kings in this small world, but no one dares to try just going to Istanbul. We're only experts, good people in this little place, we plausibly because we're cut off from the world, we think we're smart but have no talent. In this little place, we compete with each other and torture each other, and love is fading away in our rashness. Nihal, how did we become like this? Why am I the one you hate? In the past, I have never sold myself for money. In order to maintain my freedom, I have abandoned and rejected what the world sees will bring benefits and happiness. Now I make these compromises, neither wanting to write vulgar online articles, nor to be forgotten, so I write about religions that I don't understand. But you still exposed me, yes I betrayed self. Your exposure made me lose my self-esteem. I should have put down this self-esteem in front of you, and I should have communicated with you. Obviously you have lost all your patience, you don't even want to look at me, in your eyes, I am the robber who took all your beauty. So, who is my robber? Who stole my enthusiasm? Who stole my patience with you? Who stole my trust in others? We all suffer, not just you. We are all seeds buried in the ground by winter snow. Nihal, you have always been kind, and you have a heart for the world. But you have to know that there are many people in this world who can never be friends with you. People are divided into different worlds by the secular world. Each world has its own rules, and you cannot break them. The self-esteem I lost can be found by myself. I love you so I will forgive you. Ismail's self-esteem is set for people like you and me. You can't fix it if you touch it. When you take my donation to the Ismail family, you are breaking their rules. After all, your kindness will not be rewarded, and it is impossible to even get gratitude from Ismail's mouth. It will only hurt both sides. But what's wrong with you? You just pity him. What's wrong with him? He just wanted to maintain his poor dignity. In the end, it was only me who was wrong, I betrayed my loyalty. Today I decided to give up writing hypocrisy and move closer to areas I know well, such as writing "History of Turkish Drama". You're right, this is something I would find interesting to do. Although it is not sought after by fans, what is the significance of it? Now I understand everything around me, the meaning of snow-covered soil in winter, the meaning of being born and hibernating in this house. One day I will get more hostility and kindness from people, I will stop trying to please every guest in the hotel, I can learn to laugh. It's time for hibernation, when will the snow melt? Nihal, forgive me! Aydin
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