At home yesterday, I read a copy of "Don't Tell Her". I gave it a 10 and my short review was "very real".
I've lived to be 50 years old and have gone through so many relatives, so I wanted to write a longer review.
===I am the dividing line===
Xian Yan passed away in 2001 - I won't go into details about his death here - Xian Ci was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer in 2003 and underwent surgery.
I was very stupid at the time, I couldn't understand her post-operation report, and I didn't dare, don't, or didn't want to ask the doctor. I stubbornly thought that as long as I didn't believe it was a terminal illness, or as long as I thought in my heart that she would be okay, she would be okay.
The mother knew that she had "one word disease". When she was diagnosed, her father had passed away, and I had no one to discuss whether I should hide it from her. She is also very independent and very autonomous, and can and will go to the doctor and find a doctor on her own without telling me.
After watching "Don't Tell Her", I suddenly thought of the only scene where I couldn't cry. That day, it was my mother's post-surgery review, as she noticed a bulge in her right shoulder. I didn't realize at the time that it was a clear sign of metastases, but even if I did, I would deny it with the utmost subjectivity.
I accompanied her to the hospital for the test, and sat on the bench waiting for the call sign. All that time, I kept wishing that my mother's name would not appear on that display.
After I got the report, even if I didn't understand or didn't want to, I could read the description above. No matter how stubborn, naive, arrogant, and self-deceitful I am, I must admit that my mother's cancer has metastasized. No matter how stubborn, naive, arrogant, and self-deceitful I may be, I have to admit that life expectancy after metastases is generally not very long.
I can't recall at all how I spent my last days. During the day, I go to get off work in the morning, grab some food in a hurry after work, and go to the hospital. There's nothing I can do, but I know that my mother wants to be with me and to see me; I also want to be with my mother and to see her. Then I go home around 10 o'clock, so I can spend about 3 hours with her every day. In fact, these three hours are nothing, just talking and feeding some water. After she hung up the water for a day (which basically ends around 4:00), she was very tired and couldn't talk too much.
It was about 11 o'clock that night when I got home. My aunt who accompanied the night suddenly called me at around 12 o'clock, to the effect of saying: Songhua, you can't come here. I see something wrong with your mother.
I said: I will come over early tomorrow morning. She said: Good. Do it as soon as possible.
The next morning, I took a leave of absence and didn't go to work, and I had a faint feeling that today should be my mother's deadline.
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To tell him, or not to tell him, that is the question. At the time, I had no choice. But if I had the possibility, what would I do? Will I be like Billy and amend the pathology report and give it to my mother?
Will it help her recovery if I change it? But if I change it and it doesn't help, will it cause her to have more regrets for not getting some of the things she needs to do?
If I don't change, will it make her mentality turbulent and give birth to "the heart of death"? But she can also arrange the funeral properly and do what she has to do. In this way, at least you can be peaceful and have less regrets while you are alive?
I have no idea. If possible, I would prefer not to make such a choice.
All I know is that I am full of yearning and awe for life.
When you live, you must live your life; when you die, you must face it openly.
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While watching this film, it reminded me of the "Buried Giant" I watched for a while . There is something profound (and probably derived from Chinese Confucianism) in both.
And "happy but not lewd but not sad" is also the highest evaluation I give to these two works.
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