Episode 1
For a lot of people, life is just one long, hard kick in the urethra, and sometimes when you get home from a long day of getting kicked in the urethra, you just want to watch a show about good, likable people who love each other, where, you know, no matter what happens, at the end of 30 minutes, everything's gonna turn out okay.
You told me they didn't approve of your "alternative lifestyle. I thought you were, like, a troubled gay teen or something. I didn't realize by "alternative lifestyle" that you meant you were lazy.
That's on you for making assumptions.
CAROLYN: Oh, face it. You're afraid of commitment.
BOJACK: I'm not afraid of commitment. I commit to things all the time. It's the following through on that commitment that I take issue with.
don't know how you can expect anyone else to love you when you so clearly hate yourself.
Sorry. Couldn't hear you over the sound of my calories not metabolizing.
You look like a pile of crap ate a second pile of crap and then crapped out a third pile of crap.
This book is my one shot at preserving my legacy. I'm a joke, and if this book isn't good, I'm gonna be a joke forever. Everyone thinks that I'm just this washed-up hack, but actually Oh, God, actually, what if they're right? I can't breathe. Am I dying? Toast. I smell burning toast!
He's so stupid he doesn't realize how miserable he should be. I envy that.
You're responsible for your own happiness, you know?
BOJACK: Good Lord, that's depressing.
DIANE: No, it's not.
BOJACK: I'm responsible for my own happiness? I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast.
Episode 2
Yeah, I ate them all in one sitting because I have no self-control and I hate myself.
Yeah, there were exactly 12! I ate 12 muffins, and I didn't even want one! There's your goddamn news story, the myster of my missing goddamn self-respect!
Maybe some of the troops are heroes but not automatically. I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks. Most people are jerks already, and it's not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him it's okay to kill people suddenly turns that jerk into a hero.
I am not deeply ambivalent about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military by a nation that claims to value peace telling our children that violence is never the answer while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard.
Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases.
You know what the problem is with everybody? They all just want to hear what they already believe. No one ever wants to hear the truth.
Episode 3
Your family will never understand you, your lovers will leave you or try to change you, but your fans, you be good to them, and they'll be good to you. The most important thing is, you got to give the people what they want, even if it kills you, even if it empties you out until there's nothing left to empty.
No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, you don't stop dancing, and you don't stop smiling, and you give those people what they want.
BoJack, all my life, I've never been forced to confront my problems head on.
No one has ever said "no" to me, ever, so is it cool if instead of confronting my problems head on, I just hide out here for a little bit?
Episode 4
See? You say something to someone enough times, and eventually, he internalizes it.
The system works.
For a second, I actually convinced myself I was more than just a worthless screw-up.
Fool me once, fool me twice, fool me chicken soup with rice.
You know what your problem is? You're trying to be a Zelda but you're so obviously a Zoe. You can live your happy Zelda life in this happy Zelda town and pretend you're a happy Zelda, but I know you, and this isn't you. People don't change, Diane, not really
Mr. Peanutbutter's a Zelda. He's happy and he's carefree and he's loving, but you and me, we're Zoes. We're Zoes, Diane. We're cynical and we're sad and we're mean. There's a darkness inside you, and you can bury it deep in burritos as big as your head, but someday soon, that darkness is gonna come out, and when it does, I want you to call me.
Episode 5
Imaginary friends are freeloaders invented by communists to rip-off welfare.
Closure is a made up thing by Steven Spielberg to sell movie tickets. It, like true love and the Munich Olympics, doesn't exist in the real world. The only thing to do now is just to keep living forward.
Episode 7
You were right. I don't love you. You don't love me. We're just two lonely people trying to hate ourselves a little less. Maybe that's all we're ever gonna be. Maybe that's all we ever were.
Well, this night took a turn. You know the worst part? I knew this was gonna happen and I let myself get excited anyway.
So we agree that this is on you, then? I guess I'll see you around.
You're not even gonna give me a ride home? Sorry, I think I just need to be alone right now.
Of course, of course. That's what you get when you fall for a horse.
You got to get your shit together. So yesterday, you let yourself fall in love a little bit, and you got your heart broken. Serves you right for having feelings. Starting now, you are a hard, heartless career gal. Go to work , be awesome at it, and don't waste time on foolish flights of fancy. From now on, you are a robot.
Are you gonna head out soon?
Where else would I go?
Happy birthday, Princess Carolyn.
Thanks, phone.
You are 40.
Episode 8
I'm sorry.
Okay. I don't forgive you.
Herb, I said I'm sorry.
Yeah, and I do not forgive you.
Uh not sure you get what's happening here
This could be the last time that you
No. I'm not gonna give you closure. You don't get that. You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life.
You have to know that it's never, ever going to be okay.
I really think that we'd both - feel better if we just -
I'm dying. I'm not gonna feel better, and I'm not gonna be your prop so you can feel better.
You know what your problem is? You want to think of yourself as the good guy. Well, I know you better than anyone, and I can tell you that you're not. In fact, you'd probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admitted to yourself that you're a selfish goddamn coward who takes whatever he wants and doesn't give a shit about who he hurts.
Episode 9
I never thought I wanted to get married.
It's so weird, this idea of dedicating yourself to something for the rest of your life.
Like, how could you know, right? But then I realized it's okay to not know everything. And some things take a leap of faith.
Mr. Peanutbutter, I want to take that leap with you.
You know, sometimes I feel like I was born with a leak, and any goodness I started with just slowly spilled out of me, and now it's all gone. And I'll never get it back in me. It's too late. Life is a series of closing doors, isn't it?
Episode 11
I spend a lot of time with the real me, and believe me, nobody's gonna love that guy.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take a shower so I can't tell if I'm crying or not.
As you know, I was hurt, but then I realized that's just how you are.
You know, and maybe I just need to stop expecting you to be a good person, so that way, I won't get hurt when you're not.
Episode 12
BoJack, when you get sad, you run straight ahead and you keep running forward, no matter what. There are people in your life who are gonna try to hold you back, slow you down, but you don't let them. Don' t you stop running and don't you ever look behind you. There's nothing for you behind you. All that exists is what's ahead.
You know, I think it just goes to show you, you can be the fastest runner in the world, but you can't outrun the truth.
Cheer up, dummy. Your book is a huge success. Everybody loves you. You just won a Golden Globe. If you can't be happy tonight, maybe you'll never be happy again.
I'm sorry, is that supposed to be encouraging? Because it's super-bleak.
I don't think I believe in deep down. I kind of think all you are is just the things that you do.
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