"People's life is very short and life is very fragile. We still need to constantly overcome difficulties and improve ourselves. We must never give up trying to find the meaning of life." - Adler, "Inferiority and Transcendence"
Visitor Alex is the elite of the elite, the pacesetter among the U.S. Navy pilots, handsome, capable, smart, perfect resume, the future star in the eyes of the leader, has the perfect wife and family, and has a bright future. He is simply God's darling!
Because he was good enough, he was selected by the leader to carry out a bombing mission in Baghdad. He achieved a precise strike, but unexpectedly learned that the target building was a civilian school, and 16 children died due to the bombing...
He came to Paul because he had just escaped death, and because he forced a marathon regardless of his physical condition, he suffered a sudden death, and the probability of surviving was less than 3%, but he was lucky to survive. He was also suspended from work because of this matter, and he also wanted to figure out why he still did such a crazy act of self-harm even though he had no guilt about performing the task?
However, he has deep doubts about whether Paul can help him, so his temptation, resistance and provocation are extremely fierce...
- He would pay in cash on purpose and throw the money on the table, reminding Paul that he was only helping him for the money...
- He would disrupt Paul's controlled rhythm, deliberately diverting the conversation by drinking coffee and asking Paul personal questions...
- He would use his relationship with Laura (a female patient who has a deep emotional entanglement with Paul, which will be analyzed in depth in the next article) to stimulate Paul, because he saw that Paul and Laura have an unusual relationship...
- He will also use the resources in his hand to do various background checks on Paul, and then use Paul's private life to continue to provoke...
So, how does Paul deal with it?
- He will try his best to show his professionalism and objectivity, and try to avoid discussing his personal life with Alex...
- He will point out Alex's motives, let him learn to be aware of his intentions, and guide him to observe his own feelings...
- He will also listen very carefully, trying his best to understand Alex's attacks and anger...
However, when Alex seized the pain in Paul's private life (especially Paul's relationship with his father) and brutally attacked him, Paul couldn't bear it anymore, he poured a cup of coffee on his face, grabbed Alex, forced him to the corner, and said The anger that has been suppressed for a long time in my heart...
Just when Paul thought that his loss of control had led to the end of the consulting relationship, Alex unexpectedly walked into the consulting room again,
This time, after the two people released their long-suppressed emotions through a dramatic conflict, they were finally able to confront each other frankly. Alex said that he was deliberately angering Paul because he hated himself in his heart, and deliberately let Paul do the way he expected. Come hate him and abandon him so he can prove himself right again. Here I have to mention Alex's childhood,
- He has an extremely strict father, who uses militarized management to train and demand him, requiring him to be excellent and tough, otherwise it will be all kinds of abuse...
- The soft and fragile side of his heart is not allowed to express, he can only twist himself desperately to satisfy his father's wishes, but it seems that he will never be able to satisfy his father...
- His feelings for his father are extremely complicated. He hates his father's cruelty and ruthlessness. His father once proudly told the story of his own hand to kill his grandfather in front of him: when they were fleeing, they hid in the basement, and there were soldiers searching outside. Once they were found It is very likely that the whole family will be killed. Grandpa was seriously ill and coughed. Father tightly covered Grandpa's mouth. When the search soldiers left, they found that Grandpa was no longer breathing...
- He also hated his father's betrayal of his mother, even though her mother was so good and devoted herself to the family...
- But he hated his identification with his father even more. He has been unable to get rid of his father's expectations and tried his best to live as good in his father's eyes...
- He doesn't love his wife, just because his father admires this daughter-in-law very much, so his marriage lasted for 14 years...
- He is even more jealous of his son, because his father loves this grandson very much. He never got such tenderness and love when he was a child. He feels that the child and his grandfather are very harmonious, but he is superfluous as a father...
And Paul also gave up playing the idealized counselor role in front of Alex. He began to face Alex's problems, admitting that he was an emotional loser, and had more empathy for Alex's situation...
This is very important to Alex, because he only believes that the more perfect and better version of himself can be accepted. In the face of Paul's real exposure, he also began to really reveal and accept his own softness and fragility...
This is a critical turning point in treatment. Since then, as a bystander, we have followed Paul's observation to see more shining points in Alex, and began to like this rebellious and provocative "arrogant".
He is sensitive, kind, honest, self-disciplined, highly motivated, curious, and insightful. If he can be more open and gentle, he will definitely be charming. After his relationship with Paul improved, he really became softer and Paul's desire to help him grew stronger.
A very important transformation in psychological counseling is that the counselor can withstand the negative emotions aroused by the client's various resistances, temptations, provocations, and even attacks, achieve true acceptance and tolerance, and accompany the client to discover what is in him. The part that makes people sympathize and love.
As Paul said , he can only truly help the client when he sees the qualities he likes in the client and is genuinely willing to help the client.
But how easy is this road for Alex? Suppressing and escaping his inner feelings are the magic weapon for him to fight against the outside world and achieve remarkable achievements. He hides too much pain, fear and self-hatred in his heart.
Once he gave up his familiar escape, his world was precarious, dangerous and hopeless.
"I don't feel like I can do it, I can't do this treatment and get where I want to be," he told Paul.
Paul asked, "Where do you want to be?"
Alex said: "It made me stop hating myself so much and find a place where I can find my inner balance."
Then he added: "I really miss flying because it's so much easier, just do the missions with clear instructions."
So when the military called him back, he suddenly wanted to grab this life-saving straw, because there was everything he was familiar with, so that he would no longer have to face the pain and self-denial in his heart.
He hopes that Paul will give him an accurate assessment report to the military. Paul actually hopes that he can continue to consult, but he can't make this decision for Alex ( Actually, Alex hopes that Paul can keep him strong ), and it is very painful for Paul. Dilemma. In the end, Alex returned to the army, but died in an accident during a test flight at the age of 39.
Did he leave by accident or on purpose? Left us with a perpetual mystery.
And this incident also gave Paul a huge blow. He went to Alex's funeral. When Alex's father asked to see him, he could have refused, but out of guilt, he and the father who had made Alex love and hate each other. An interview was conducted.
The father communicated with tears and tears. He said that his son's voice had always lingered in his ears. He admitted that he was very jealous of Paul's conversation with his son, but he also said very directly, "I have seen too much cruelty and injustice, I told him. The most important thing for my son to survive is strength, not reflection."
Then he asked Paul directly, "What would you do if a stranger, a man from a completely different cultural background, gave your son advice once a week, and those suggestions were harmful to your son in your opinion. ?"
Facing the father's questioning, Paul admitted that he might try to stop the other party. "That's what you did with Alex," the father said. "The counseling you gave him made him more vulnerable, not stronger, and if there was a third world war, those who came for counseling might have been the first to do it. Killed, the world needs survival of the fittest, not sentimentality..."
The father's words also expressed the doubts that many people have about psychological counseling. They feel that talking can't really solve the problem. They look too deeply into themselves and end up with nothingness, so they are more willing to embrace the external world and refuse to examine it. , they will also think that those who need to seek psychological help are weak. And Paul was a little speechless in the face of Alex's father's attack, because at that time he was also questioning whether he really helped Alex...
Looking at the entire process of interviewing Paul and Alex, the reason why a healing miracle like Sophie did not happen is largely because the problems that plagued Alex are also deeply troubled by Paul himself, and his relationship with his father is also at a rock bottom. He also lacks purpose in the direction of his life, so he can't give Alex real answers.
During the consultation process, Paul achieved a professional level, but he was unable to fully devote himself to it, because Alex's attack also caused Paul too much pain, so at first he chose to endure it desperately, but this time In fact, he also has a lot of defenses. He can't completely put down the air and really get close to Alex's heart to build a deep trust.
When he finally couldn't bear it anymore, he poured coffee on Alex's face, and directly pushed the other party into the corner. He completely walked off the altar, put down the burden of idols, began to reveal his vulnerability, and began to get close to Alex's heart.
However, when Alex felt it was too difficult and too painful and wanted to quit, although Paul clearly expressed his concern, he still did not stop him from going back. Show more responsibility and courage.
Psychology master Adler said in his "Inferiority and Transcendence":
"People's life is very short and life is very fragile. We still need to constantly overcome difficulties and improve ourselves. We must never give up trying to find the meaning of life."
But how easy is this process? In the face of inner pain, there will be struggle, fear, pain, guilt... That's why this road has become a road that few people take. But Scott Pike tells us,
People can refuse anything, but they can never refuse maturity. To refuse to mature is actually to avoid problems and avoid pain. The tendency to avoid problems and avoid pain is the root cause of human mental illness. If you don’t deal with it in time, you will pay a heavy price and suffer even more pain. Mental maturity doesn't happen overnight, it's an arduous journey.
May we walk together and make progress together on this rarely traveled road!
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