When I saw Olive's son's incomprehensible and even disgusted attitude towards her, I saw myself back then and thought I had to step on my mother's feet.
I grew up in an institutionalized family confines, my mother was the queen of the family, and she made all the rules. I really had a very unhappy childhood. I don't know how many times I calculated my hatred for my mother before going to bed at night. She was arrogant, irritable, sensitive, and she was terrifying in my eyes.
Growing up, I never chatted with my mother like a normal mother and daughter. I thought about chatting with her, but I always stopped when I was scolded. I know I've done something wrong when she usually calls me, and when she opens her voice I know my neighbors know I've made a mistake, and my little self-esteem will never stop at her He received a blow from the abuse, and was so aggrieved that it was like being slapped in the face. However, before I entered junior high school, I didn't know how to refute my self-esteem. I couldn't make a sound from my heart to my mouth. She was aggressive, and it was just a small mistake. I became very crying and low self-esteem, and I always felt that only my mother was so terrible. Now I still have a very bad habit, I always eat so fast that my weight is never less than 100 pounds. . When Olive's son was eating, he was obedient to his mother. Before every meal, I hoped that my mother would not think about anything I did, such as asking me what time I came back today and what I did, otherwise I would be viciously attacked again. Words bombarded to the point that they couldn't finish a meal and were scolded to the point of being utterly incorrupt. I don't know what she's angry about, so I fear her, and if I knew what she didn't like, I'd definitely take a detour from her minefield, but her minefields are always endless and catch me off guard every time. Sometimes if I get scolded just before eating, the mood at the dinner table is like going to the battlefield. I was thinking that my mother would just throw away my bowl. She would be unhappy if I took a few more dishes. After all, I am a criminal. I'm not qualified to eat at the table, she once told me that and took away my tableware like Olive.
My childhood was as lonely as my mother's childhood.
My mother doesn't allow me to go out to play outside of school, if I go out to play, my mother will be furious when I come back, so I spend most of the time at home reading, and I can't watch TV, except after she goes out I can only turn on the TV secretly, so that now I am very sensitive to the footsteps in the corridor next door, especially the footsteps of my mother. I still don't understand why I can't go out and play. But I'm not trying to figure it out.
When my mother was 7 years old, my grandmother disliked my grandfather and ran away with others. However, my grandfather sold my mother's sister, and she has been living with her grandfather since then. Maybe she lacked maternal love since childhood and didn't know how to educate her daughter as a mother. I took a leave of absence when I had my menarche in elementary school, and I went home and squatted in the toilet for a long time without coming out. I didn't even dare to tell her. After thinking about what to do for a long time, I finally decided to pick up the sanitary napkin she usually uses in the bathroom and use it.
No one taught me how women should take care of themselves. I have to say that although I looked very polite and respectful to outsiders when I was a child, in fact, my own life was very bad and I didn’t take care of myself. I'm just following my mother's rules and taking care of myself without disturbing her.
The days of caged birds are finally over.
After 15, I was very rebellious, and I started to be rude to her. I was slapped countless times by her, and even some items fell on my face, but I was not afraid at all. In those years when I was not sensible, I used to think for myself. The brave and secretly happy, I finally no longer fear the tigress, I can hold my head up, no longer need to call those annoying neighbors uncle and aunt, no longer want to say hello to them, some self-righteous, under the mask of hypocrisy, will not let their own children The adults who play with me, I've had enough. And my mother was not prepared at all for my great change. She beat and scolded me from the beginning, and it was useless to speak to me in a voice that could spread a kilometer. She cried, and she desperately faced me, who had no self-esteem. I used to try to maintain my image as a good boy, and at the same time I was beaten and scolded. I yelled at her, I expressed my dissatisfaction with her for many years, you never bought me clothes, you said that I didn't like what you bought, but it was because we had no room for negotiation, because I had to wear what you bought of. For example, you have never praised me and only scolded me, even if I have won the top three students in the exam, even if I got the first place in the exam and have been admitted to the key class, you say that because I didn't work hard enough. for example. . . Until I left home angrily for a long time, and did not speak to her for many years.
I have always been lonely, I have been avoiding childhood memories, which makes me always unable to accept the new environment, can not hug the arms intimately with girls, can not go shopping with girls, can not sleep with girls in the same bed, These make me unnatural. My mother hates me when I touch her. Sometimes when I accidentally touch her, she will criticize me for hurting her. She is like a hedgehog.
I always think that many girls in this world are very happy. They There was a wonderful childhood, a group of friends, even if they were away all year round, their mother always called to ask for help. I didn't experience abuse or hardship in my childhood, but my soul was always very empty, like a walking dead at any moment.
Even though I am lonely now, I enjoy the loneliness, which makes me always feel the blue of the sky and perceive all kinds of emotions in this world.
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