Long time no see, how are you?
Do you still remember the time when you and I were on horseback, and the joy that swayed in the wind was like yesterday.
The first time I saw you, you were playing a waltz record at my house, and I asked if you were my father's friend, and you were a little overwhelmed. When I learned that you and my sister had spent the night, I didn't feel the disgust I should have for you. Although I still look so thin at 13 years old, you have gently protected my fragile and sensitive self-esteem. I think you are fine.
You may have heard from your sister that I was once an orphan and was adopted by Wade. He is a policeman with a domineering and irritable side. He always speaks to me in a commanding tone, but lacks the love of teaching. I'm a little afraid of him. You ask me where my biological father is, I have never met him. But I know that Wade loves us, at least he feeds me and dresses me.
Before I met you, I was very afraid of the dark. I always slept with the light on at night, uneasy about the shadow of the wind flashing outside the window. I have no one else to ask for help, except my older sister, who is my father's biological daughter, and we always keep a proper distance under the harsh eyes of my father. You know, she's a beautiful and kind girl, we get along well, and I love being with her. But I still feel lonely from time to time. Even if I learn to spit through the barbed wire, life is still black and white without melody. This makes me lack the strength and courage to live, like a long-sick beast.
Since I met you, everything has been slowly changing, whether it's my worldview or my world.
You say, how much material do we have to give up in this world, or how much money we need to get to be able to live the life we want. You don't have a car, you don't drive, and you shout into the traffic jam in the dark: "We should love people, we shouldn't love cars, I mean it. Listen to me, life is not inside the car, it's outside. Inside. You're all prisoners, we should go somewhere else, you know?" And you did, like your father. Sorry, we should have been with you. But how much time will we be loyal to ourselves in our life? Maybe after wearing the mask for a long time, it will become a kind of reality. People always have such a contradiction. All we have are shackles, only empty hands will we cling to dreams, and loneliness is like a shadow.
My sister said that she wants to do a lot of things, I don't know if she can do it, you said, you can do whatever you want, you can even be who you want to be, as long as you decide who you want to be, and then approach, just like waiting for you Life begins. Who will start it, you know? I especially want to follow my own heart, walk under the stars, listen to the wind sing, and when I speak, I want to hear my real voice, are you speaking with my real voice? I don't know how to know. When you don't see other voices in your head, you say what you really want to say. whatever it is. Are you faithful to yourself? You said, not often.
We sit on the back of the white horse, I hold you from behind, the valley is quiet, your heartbeat is clear. The road is bumpy and the scenery is beautiful. We have few words, but feel the intimacy of late. You and I are like brothers, like father and son, like one body. Sitting on horseback, the small town above the valley has a panoramic view, her morning, her evening and her night scene are equally charming. This is my home. When the horses are galloping on this land, the blue sky and green grass are flying, the autumn wind is whistling in my ears, and the horses' hooves are ding dong. Only at this moment did I deeply feel that I was free.
Remember when my sister got hurt and I decided to go with you, and when we reached the top of the valley, I sat on the grass and cried. You still comfort me, even though you deceived me. You say, when a man cries, there is nothing to apologize and nothing to be ashamed of. "I don't cry in front of the enemy, that's all." Yes, the emotions I have accumulated for many years, only in front of you can I vent. My loved ones hurt each other, and the things I've longed for that can bring me joy and strength can also bring bloody tragedy. There is nothing worse than witnessing this.
My father once talked to me about my sister, and he said she was an insightful person because she didn't do anything she didn't want to do. The humble and gentle will inherit the land, but are just an excuse for the "wise" to manage. He also said that knowledge cannot be cultivated. Harlan, you're a man of insight, at least I think so. At that time, I had a feeling that one day, I will be you.
You gave me a torch in the dark jungle, you taught me to face the dark package alone, overcome the fear of being alone, you taught me to be a real man. However, why don't you feel lonely? You want to take my sister and me away, to the paradise in your heart, where you live with the people you love and never separate. My world lost its voice when you were shot down by my father. The way you tried your best to get out of that rough room and kneel under the rolling valley is still clearly visible in my mind to this day.
"Slide to the lonely shooting star /
You hug the sky as you wander /
People ask me where are you hiding /
I feel so lonely I want to cry"
It's been a long time, Harlan. Surprised to hear from me? If we met on the street, we might not recognize each other or say good morning. But we may have encountered it, we just don't know it. I asked myself why you did this, why did you leave. I believe I get it now, what you're looking for. I hope you understand, I am looking for the same thing. I hope you are well. Really hope to see you again. The winter rain cleared the mist, and I finally found the real road ahead of me, which pointed me in a different direction. If you think of me sometimes, wish me luck. I'm 16 now, growing up and taller, and I'm old enough to pick up that revolver, but I'm not going to touch it again.
Occasionally, my sister and I will go to the hill where we used to see you, the autumn wind blows our hair and skin, I call you silently in my heart, I can feel that you are still moving with your heart, accompanied by a happy waltz, you take off the white top of your head. Cowboy hat, smiling like stars. As we rode along the road on horseback, the valley stretched in the distance and the road twisted and turned. It's another autumn. In such a season of green and yellow, the sky is getting bluer and higher, and we can still find the value of our existence.
If you can hear me, this is what I want to say to you.
Hope you have a good time in heaven.
Love you Nonnie
February 9, 2012
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