...gradually, and then suddenly.|...gradually, then suddenly.
The pills weren't a cure-all, God knows...|Medications aren't a cure-all, God knows...
...but they gave me breathing space...|...But they gave me the possibility to change. ..
...which allowed me to start writing again.|It allowed me to pick up the pen again.
Only this time it wasn't as if my life depended on it.|Only this time, he wasn't the only pillar of my life.
Seven years later, Elizabeth Wortzel's "A Girl's First Experience" was published, and it quickly became a worldwide bestseller.
In the United States alone, 300 million people use various sedatives every year.
===================================================== ==
you gonna sleep with me tonight?|Are you gonna sleep with me tonight?
Don't say I didn't warn you.|Don't say I didn't warn you.
- What's that supposed to mean? - It means don't say I didn't warn you.|-What do you mean? - Just don't say I didn't warn you.
Great.|Very good.
I've been wanting so badly for sex to happen the right way...|I've been wanting so badly for sex to happen the right way
... in the right place.|With the right people, at the right time, in the right place.
====================================================
I 'd been saving my virginity for someone who truly loves me...
| The boy who really got into my heart.
Noah wasn't it.|Noah wasn't like that.
He told me afterwards that, in terms of absolute value...|
...sex and drugs were equally meaningless to him.|...sex and drugs were equally meaningless to him. Words are meaningless.
Just two different ways to have fun.|Just two different ways to have fun.
Which is all well and good...|Both are good...
...until a girl tries to have the same approach.|...Just another girl for sex.
==============================================
Lizzie, he's your father . He loves you.|Leeds, he is your father. he loves you.
No, you don't know what it was like.|No, you don't know what it was like.|
When I was 8, we went to see The Last Waltz.|When I was 8, we went to see The Last Waltz together for the last time.
He passed out on tranquilizers.|He passed out on tranquilizers at the dance.
I had to sit through the movie three fucking times before he woke up.
What kind of a person does that?|Now you can understand what kind of person he is?
I didn't realize.|Unthinkable.
=======================================
That article...|That article...
...it was just wish fulfillment.|It was just a good wish.
I was writing about how I wanted things to be.|I only wrote what I really wanted.
The way people talked about it...|People always looked at it that way...
...the way you talked about it, it made it seem real.|
Well, maybe it can be.|Well, maybe it can be.
No. It's just a dream I held on to for way too long.|No. It's just a dream I've kept for too long.
I'm happy here. I don't need him anymore.|I'm only here because of luck, I'll never see him again.
===============================================
His words twist and grind and hammer out a story for the brain...|His rhetoric is absurd, trivial, smashes memories to shreds...
...but his guitar and voice go straight for your heart.|...And he The guitar and vocals are enough to pierce your heart.
Music bellows from his insides, and out comes the struggles of the world.|Music bellows from his insides, tumbling out.
Springsteen' like this garage-mechanic poet.|Springsteen' like this garage-mechanic poet.
Music bellows from his insides.|His belly is the bellows of music.
Out comes the struggles of the world, of knowledge that comes with perfec...|The tumbling out notes, so perfect...
It' like he feels with knowledge that goes back through ages...| It's like rejuvenating...
...to a single chord in our brains. That beacon that can be touched...|Beautiful notes leap from the strings, washing people's exhaustion The soul...
He has the power of pure emotion.|Such pure emotion.
Emotions so intense the body literally must do something...|The restless mind gives us the urge to desire...
- Out comes the struggles... - Fuck.|-Fighting... -Damn.
===================================================== ==
I'm falling.|I'm falling.
I can't even finish my article.|I can't even finish my article.|
Maybe Noah' right. It' all a scribble.|Maybe Noah's right. It was just some random scribbling.
I don't really have anything original to say.|I don't have any original style.
Writing can't save me.|Writing can't save me.
Even Harvard can't save me.|Even Harvard can't save me.
How can I escape from the demons in my head?|How can I escape from the demons in my head?
===================================================== ==
Hemingway has this classic moment in The Sun Also Rises.|Hemingway had his greatest moment when he finished his magnum opus The Sun Still Rises.
When someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt...|
All he can say is, "Gradually, then suddenly."|All he can say Yes, "gradually, then suddenly."
That' how depression hits.|That's the destructive power of depression.
You wake up one morning afraid that you're going to live.|
===============================================================================================================
_ +
I raise her! I raise her all by myself with no help from you!|I raised her! I raised her alone and you never gave me a little help!
No help from me? I'm the one that does everything, I never get credit!|I never gave a little help? I did everything and never got a single compliment!
You make all the decisions, and they blow up in your face!|You make all the decisions, and they blow up in the end!
- Do they not? - What are you talking about?|-Ran Dao? -What did you say?
You do nothing for her! You do nothing for her!|You do nothing for her! You have done nothing for her!
You never even see her!|You never even see her!|
You don't take her on vacations. You don't take her on the weekends.|You don't take her on vacations. You never play with her on weekends.
What the hell do you ever do for her, Donald?|What the hell do you ever do for her, Donald?|
I am her father. I put her in the clinic, and you're looking in Manhattan.|I am her father. I took her to the infirmary, and you happened to be in Manhattan looking after her.
You son of a bitch! Goddamn, I hate you! I hate you!|You son of a bitch! Donald, I hate you! I hate you!
I hate you, you son of a bitch!|I hate you, you son of a bitch!
=================================================
What I want is for someone to understand...|All I need is someone to understand...
...but they don't, really.|
That makes the platitudes harder to bear.|That platitude is unbearable.
===================================================== ==
Do you remember the first thing you wrote?|Do you remember the first thing you wrote?
A poem.|A poem.
A poem. About what?|A poem. about what?
My dad.|My dad.
Can you remember anything it said?|Can you remember anything it said?
I told you, I don't wanna talk about my childhood.|I told you, I don't wanna talk about my childhood.
I just... I feel so stupid, sitting in therapy.|I just... feel so stupid, sitting in therapy.
People have much harder childhoods than mine.|Many people have much harder childhoods than us.
We're not talking about others. We're talking about you.|We don't have to talk about others. It's you now.
I'll give her that much.|I told her that much.
I'm the problem.|I am the problem.
I worry about being in therapy.|I worry about being in therapy.
I worry about not being in therapy.|I worry more about not being in therapy.
I even worry I'm not entertaining enough for Dr. Sterling.|
I just keep thinking that if I could just be normal...|I wish I was just a normal person
... if I could just get out of bed in the morning, everything would be okay.|.. .I just pray to wake up happy every morning and that's enough.
Well, what do you think normal is?|
Most people, they cut themselves, they put a Band-Aid on, keep going.|Most people, when they cut themselves, they put a Band-Aid on, keep going.
And what do you do?|And what about you?
I just keep bleeding.|I will let the wounds bleed recklessly.
So you think being normal is having a wound, putting a patch on it...|You think being normal is having a wound, putting a patch on it...|And
go on The original life?
Isn't that what functioning is?|That's what bandages are for, right?
Isn't that what living is?|Isn't that what living is?
You know, you keep going, no matter what happens to you.|You know, life goes on like this, no matter what happens.
Is that the way you wanna live?|Is that the way you wanna live?
====================================================
and R finished the phone call
Rafe didn't seem to realize...|Rafe didn't seem to realize...
...he'd just been appointed to save my life.|I've pinned all my hopes of saving myself on he.
=====================================================
This is also what I want to say to my mother.
I dream about all the things I wish I'd said.|
The opposite of what came out of my mouth.|It was the exact opposite of what I said today.
I wish I'd said, "Mom, please forgive me.
Please help me.|Please help me.
==============================================
- Hello. - Hey. |- Hello. -Hey.
- Hi. - How' my birthday girl?|-Hi. - How was your birthday, my daughter?
You're late. You're a day late.|You're late. You are a day late.
What can I say, you know how it is.|What can I say, you know how it is.
Anyway, I thought I'd have to be dealing with your secretary by now.|
You're such a bigshot journalist, writing for Rolling Stone.
- Did you read it? - You know...|-Did you read that article? -You know...
...remember this, they're lucky to have you.
These guys, they're smart. They're really smart. | These people, they are shrewd. They are really good.
They know what they're doing. They can see talent.|They know what they're doing. They can see and never bury talent. I'm probably
gonna get assignments all over the country...| Who are you talking to, Lizzie?|Who are you talking to, Lizzie? - It's no one. - Who is it?|-No one. - whose phone number? - It's no one. - Don't listen to her.|- It's none of your business. - Don't listen to her. Please, Mom.|Mom, please go away. Look at you, the two of you.|Look at you, the two of you.| - Go on, you're so in love with him. - Mom.|-Go on, you're so in love with him. -mother. Can you hear that? Hear why I don't call?| Any idea why I didn't hang up yesterday? Where was he your childhood?|Do you remember where you spent your childhood? - Where...? - Stop it! Just stop it!|-Where are you...? - Stop it! do not talk! I just wanted to talk to him!|I just wanted to have a word with Dad!
You know, Lizzie, I'm at the end of my rope.|You know Lizzie, I've tried my best.
I've been working extra hours. I never go out.|I spend all my vacation time working. I never go on vacation.
I never buy clothes. I spend all our money on your therapy.|I never buy clothes. I spend all my money on your treatment.
All our money? Daddy pays, Mom.|All our money? Dad pays too, Mom.
===================================================== =====================================================
_ =======================================
You think he pays?|You think he will pay money?
You think he's paying?|Do you think he's paying for your treatment?
He doesn't pay one cent.|He doesn't pay one cent.
Not one single red cent!|Not even a penny!
That's not true.|That's impossible.
Oh, you want me to show you? Huh? You wanna see?|Oh, you want me to show you? Ok? Do you want to see it?
You want to see how much I'm paying, still paying…
| ...just in your last semester? ah?
Here. Here, look at these. Look at these.|Here. Here, look at these. Check out these.
- There, look at that, Lizzie. - I'm sorry, Mom.|- And there, look at that, Lizzie. - I'm sorry, Mom.
You wanna see how much I'm paying this Dr. Sterling?|Do you know how much I'm paying this Dr. Sterling?
I'm sorry.|I'm sorry.
No, you're not gonna talk your way out of this.|No, you don't have to tell me that.
Ask her who pays her!|Ask her who paid her to come!
You know, it's my fault, for spoiling you the way I did.
I kill myself to get you to Harvard, and you come back looking like a zombie.|
I know. I'm sorry.|I know. Sorry.
I'm so...|I'm so stupid...
Why won't he?|How could he do this?
- Why won't he? - I know. I know, honey. I know.|-How could he do this? -I know. I know, baby. I know.
I hate myself, and I hate the things I do.|I hate myself, and I hate everything I do.
Lizzie, it's all right. It's all right.|Lizzie, it's okay. It's ok.
It's awful. It's so awful.| messed up.
And I hurt the people who love me.|I always hurt the people who love me.
But when he calls...|But when he calls me...
My God, a party?|My God, is that a party?
And your stupid pear tart!|And your damn pear tart!
Why do you do this, Lizzie?|Why do you do this, Lizzie?
Because I'm not your goddamn monkey!|Because I'm not your goddamn monkey!
I'm sorry, Mom, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry.|I'm sorry, Mom, I didn't tell the truth. Sorry.
I didn't mean it.|I didn't mean it.
I'm sorry.|I'm sorry.
She threw the party for herself?|A party for herself?
No, I guess for Grandma.|No, I guess for my grandma.
Why would she want to do that?|Why would she want to do that?
To show her what a good little girl she was. | Let them see what a wonderful daughter she has raised.
That must really hurt.|Then she must be hurt.
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