In the past two days, I watched the British drama "Melrose" and the piece "Others' Youth: Like You Like You!" written by Luo Zheng. Our youth: Mom and Dad, please don't do this to me...". I just find it really hard to be a kid.
"Melrose", if it weren't for Benny's explosive performance, I don't think I would have finished watching it anyway. The so-called humor is full of bloody cruelty. One of the details struck me very much: when the male protagonist was 40 years old, his father had passed away for many years, and he finally had the courage to tell his mother a secret. His father sexually assaulted him when he was a child:
The boy was raped by his father at the age of 8. The father threatened the little male protagonist and said, if you tell your mother about this, I will kill you all.
When he was middle-aged and finally said this, you thought his mother would appease him; his years of grievances could finally be seen.
Then she said (simply nonchalantly): me too.
Seeing this, I feel like I'm broken too. So for so many years, not only did you know it, but you didn't even pretend to do it to protect your son?
"Why didn't she... (try to protect me)" This was a piece of cake.
Many people in the world are not capable of being parents.
Then today I saw Luo's serious article again. In the original Japanese program, children are encouraged to express their emotions; in our program, it is full of children's grievances and mothers' anxiety.
It looks so painful.
Chinese parents generally lack the ability to "understand their children's feelings". But in essence , the millennia-old basic assumption of "you belong to me" in the parent-child relationship determines that the child's feelings are unimportant.
Certainly not just family ties. "The ruler guides the minister, the father guides the son, and the husband guides the wife." Under this framework, no one is an individual who should, can, and is allowed to be independent. Even if the king is a father or a husband, they all grew up from ministers and sons, and they always belong to others.
His feelings have never been respected, how can he hope that when he becomes a parent, he will know how to respect the feelings of his children?
So not only in family relations, but also in the work and social spheres.
On the one hand, if the deepest assumption of the older generation is "you respect me = you should listen to me". So the independence that young people long for and pursue is "betraying" them. Everything the older generation says is right, and the feelings of the older generation are of course more important than yours. The equality, discussion, and space you want are based on this basic assumption, that is, "rebelliousness", "deceiving one's master and destroying one's ancestors", and "unfilial piety" (These words are really violent... I just want to make you feel ashamed and die ; this is almost a full expression of the sense of lack, insecurity, and loss in the hearts of the older generation ).
On the other hand, young people are trapped in this kind of trauma that can never be recognized and seen : they constantly yearn for recognition from others, elders, and society; I hope they can recognize their feelings and their efforts; Make sure your feelings are right, okay, and "allowed."
The pain in this is violent, so
- Some people gradually identify with their parents and become another parent (like the mother in the show who talks to her children incessantly);
- Some people are always looking for the approval of their parents (parents represent authority, superiors, social expectations), always feel hurt, angry, eager to be heard and seen, and devote themselves to "how am I?" "How can you think I'm bad?" and "Do you think I'm good?"
(In fact, I often feel that this is the source of the so-called "office politics". For example, the goal of work is not to do the job well, but to be liked and recognized by the superior; even if there is no visible benefit, it is a fierce struggle for power. Work has become "do you think I'm good or not". It's all one and the same thing.)
So in fact, children who "rebel" early are healthier in this sense. Because he began to see through this deadlock and stopped playing this game with authority: I understand your expectations for me, and I also understand your disappointment and anger towards me. But I know how I feel is important, and whether you approve it or not, I know I'm fine. (Children who are generally psychologically independent also behave more professionally in the workplace.)
I hope parents can know : "Being betrayed and challenged" is the only way to become a parent. The pain in this is just as violent, although it is extremely difficult, but if parents can contain these feelings, there is no need to use (suppression) or emotionally abusive) children to relieve pain.
Children should also know that your feelings are real and important. In fact, no matter what you do, as long as you want to grow and be independent, parents will be disappointed, angry, sad because they "lose a sense of control and a part of themselves"; don't fantasize that "if I did a better job, they wouldn't I will not feel sad if I am disappointed." This is beyond the human nature and ability of parents, and it is not something that children can change.
I often feel that what I see is mostly human tragedy. But in fact, if you look closely, each of them is just afraid of not being loved and hated. However, in love there must be hate (or in other words, you can only love if you can hate). This is inherently part of the love and connection between people.
You and I are a drop in the ocean, we can only bless each other.
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