No matter how many colors I have, you will only see gray and white

I have a few days of insomnia every month. This habit began when I was a terrified elementary school student. I was afraid that my teacher would stay in the classroom every time I dictated, and I was afraid that my 39-point Chinese test paper would be discovered by my mother, and then I would end up with a few heavy hits. A slap, though that slap was commonplace for a while. At that time, my mother vented the contradictions of life on me. I would be beaten for not doing housework, and I was beaten with a whip and a ruler for stealing the family’s money to buy ice cream. If I failed an exam, I would be beaten. In the second grade of elementary school, I had no love for her at that time. I wrote curse words on the wall of my room with a pen, and I used a fantasy world to comfort my childhood every night. It was also at that time that I was used to thinking about things in bed, and now I am used to insomnia. Like many comrades, I am also a child who has not received complete fatherly love. My father works in a distant place and comes home several times a year. At that time, I liked my father the most. Toys, it's just that he's by my side too little. I can't blame them all for this. My mother was a person who failed to receive higher education. In the concept of rural women, preparing meals every day and knitting sweaters for their children to keep them from freezing is what they recognize as their love for their children. Know.
I lost sleep tonight because I thought of going back to face my parents during the Chinese New Year. Coupled with the sound of my roommate cracking games, I simply got up to watch a movie and cried in the middle of the night.
I want to love but I can't love, I don't want to love but I can't not love, I want to hate and I feel sad, I don't hate but I don't understand. The mother-son relationship in this film is almost a microcosm of a generation. It's just that there are more people, not as good as the protagonist, at least he has a boyfriend who loves him, at least he has a teacher who admires him, at least he is handsome. Of course, the environment is different and not the same.
The first pain was Dolan being raped at school, which I have also experienced, and what made me cry even more was the counterattack given by my mother after receiving a call from the principal of the boarding school, which I think many parents in China cannot do at all. Instead, he helped the school to act as a ruse and questioned his children together. Yes, of these kids, I am the latter.
You can imagine the helpless despair when the person you hate confronts you with your parents, because you have experienced too much of that despair, so you and your parents have a confession that will never appear. My emotions became my own carnival, and they couldn't participate.
The ending of this movie is open-ended. Next, they must have quarrels, but at least, what they want to say will come out at the highest point of a certain emotion.
I won't have this opportunity. The traditional Chinese culture makes Chinese people speak implicitly. The more excited they are, the more they swallow their true feelings. What's more, there is a gap that the two generations cannot understand. I came out to my family, but it was completely useless, my mother just pretended not to hear.
It was we who killed each other.
I am a failed son and she is a failed mother. Fortunately, we are all still, all still. In a roundabout way, love each other, although often we don't know each other.

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