Since I was a child, I have been a good boy and a good student in the eyes of my parents, teachers, and classmates. Learning has swallowed all of my life. I will use all kinds of ridiculous excuses to prevent me from accepting all kinds of invitations from my good friends. "I just took a shower, you guys play (basketball), I won't go.", "I have dinner, you have so many people. I won't go.", "Forget it, shaved ice It’s so cold, I have diarrhea after eating, you eat it, I don’t want to go.”... My
previous narrow understanding of life made me simply and rudely classify all activities outside of study as pure waste of time. Depraved entertainment has no meaning to life. So I concealed myself tightly, immersed in my personal satisfaction with knowledge and the vanity of excellent academic performance. I did not eat the fireworks, just like another person in a condom, arrogantly saying no to anything. Later, I slowly discovered that my relationship with everyone is only about learning and communication. Answering questions to other students is the only communication between me and everyone. Even so, I still did not realize the seriousness of the problem.
Until later, I had a crush on a female classmate who went upstairs and off work, and fell in love at first sight. I fell in love with her, her figure kept appearing in my mind, as if everything I did was accompanied by her, and my monotonous life was accompanied by someone from then on. At this point, when the rudely suppressed love is inevitably awakened in deep sleep, I began to realize the primitive loneliness that exists in everyone's heart. I tried to get close to her in my life, but in the end I couldn't make that step.
What I am gratified now is that my "sensibility" at the time failed to prevent me from plucking up the courage to do things that are confusing: I often pretend to go to the teacher's office to ask questions, and pretend in the short time when I pass by their classroom windows. Naturally scan her classroom for a week to search for her face; every time class is over, she secretly observes her whereabouts habits in the aisle-when will she leave the classroom, will she go to the canteen outside the classroom to buy snacks, will she go to the office? Asking questions, when do you usually go to the bathroom? Although the survey results are "rich", but I can see through the autumn water and hope to quench my thirst; I will stupidly push open the tightly closed windows of her classroom while others are not there for the whole semester. In order to allow their classrooms to ventilate normally, although the windows will be closed again soon; I will deliberately make exaggerated movements when doing inter-class exercises to attract the attention of others and attract her attention...
this feeling, time To this day, I have not been able to step into the category of secret love. Like John Nash in "Beautiful Mind", this person did not intervene in my real life, she is just an illusion in her own consciousness, and the more so, The imagination without shackles beautifies it, idealizes it, and will always become the perfect object of admiration in the heart. The stranding of the feelings strangled in the cradle this time has had an impact on the "hard-hearted" me. It just made me realize that I, like everyone else, cannot get rid of the attributes of a society. Everyone has something. Longing for the attributes of love and being loved.
After a long period of time, my life remained monotonous. Although I still maintained the love of learning, my thinking gradually changed fundamentally. I began to question the education mechanism I was receiving, and then the more I understood the status quo of education, the more I was deeply distressed: I concluded that I was a poor victim.
The mechanism that only test scores are judged gives us a sense of security from outsiders and middlemen. This sense of security is unreliable and misleading in the long run. I know the serious harm, but I can't do anything under the pressure of the baton. While I reserved my opinions, I proceeded step by step, while struggling mentally. The intense ideological contradiction overwhelmed me, and the long-term mental confusion continued to strengthen self-denial. This naturally led to a decline in academic performance, and my spiritual pillar and proud capital was shaken. My "simple" life was in crisis, so that I once suffered from mild autism and more serious obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Another good friend who is also struggling with this issue, his style is completely opposite to mine. He withstood the tremendous pressure and did not compromise with the current education system, and resolutely made the most radical and bold choice-to draw a clear line from the blunt traditional education policy, to get rid of the shackles of traditional education, and to pursue freedom and find himself instead. , Practice far away,.
One tried the law in the education system, the other wandered outside the forces he despised; the other was willing to verify rationally, and the other was keen to take risks.
He has loved literature since he was a child and founded a literary magazine himself. He has had countless fans, was passionate and cynical, and eventually vanishes and returns to the basics.
The completely different experience made these two confused boys feel like they met each other late and cherish each other like a ghost. The cautious "sheep" began to no longer suppress the stimulus of various worthy youngsters but was not excessively "romantic"; the vigorous and free-stroke horse began to maturely accept the dissatisfaction status quo and become rational: they are mutually enriched Looking at each other's life experiences, they collided with the sparks of thoughts. They exchanged unruly details, both were bohemian, and at the same time "others laugh at me too crazy, I laugh at others and can't see through".
I regret that my youth is seriously out of touch with the rich and colorful life, resulting in too many "courses"-I need to make up lessons, and it is a bad one.
I began to try to say yes to all kinds of new and unknown things, and my life was enriched by this:
I started to participate in smashing thorns to open my own way and climbing hills;
riding my own rotten motorcycle carrying nearly 400 catties of human flesh to play drifting, shuttle Among the bustling crowd, once almost died of a baby who did not know his gender;
I started to get involved in restricted-level literature and art films in Europe and the United States when I saw it in a low-cut outfit ; I
only admired Newton and Edison, and started watching " "On Love", I began to look at Baby Annie, and I began to understand Haizi. There was a copy of "Sophie's World"
on the bedside; I was absolutely obedient to my parents, and I began to "struggle with reason", and I warmly invited my classmates to come from home to taste all kinds of things for free Noodles, it is incumbent to criticize my dad for too little living expenses for his grandmother; I
saw a burly middle-aged man bullying a woman in the supermarket, he rushed up, and was knocked down and knocked down, and finally survived the arrival of the security guard;
I found that there was a classmate who was emotionally fluctuating due to family problems. Because of overly caring about her, other students mistakenly regarded her as having nothing to do, and initiated an active pursuit of the offensive;
regained his passion, picked up basketball, and finally practiced a shot that fits his body. Technology, the position of the shooter in the class, and some fans of the same sex, even if they did not say it themselves; they
have become more and more sensitive to the pictures of life , and they have developed the bad habit of using the lens to record life. The impulse to capture photos , even sneak shots; the
upper body and the carcass face the storm, wearing glasses and driving the accelerator, enjoying the speed and passion;
after getting the C1 photo, he drove the truck to the countryside and almost caused the tragedy of the car crash and the death of three people;
participated in the market I participated in the student union of the college and department. Even though I was in poor physical condition, I participated in the sports meeting and still took the place;
I barely reached the standard and I decisively donated the standard 400cc of blood.
Be late; later I fell in love with a Chongqing girl, an ideal wife type, and did all kinds of things for her that were touched by me and never done before (typically, I was purely hand-made, the whole process, With technical support from each aunt, it took more than 20 days to pickle Sichuan kimchi and deliver it to the female dormitory in person. It caused many girls to watch and deliver it in person. This is a year-long pursuit, although there are short-term love results in the middle of the year. But ultimately failed. In the end, in addition to being sad, I also came to a conclusion: the other party does not like you, no matter how you chase it, it is useless; the other party likes you, there is no need to go after you. Maybe one day he will be moved by your sincerity, but in the end most of them will break up. —— Because love is not moving. You are not his ideal partner. Even if he accepts you for a while, she will leave you with the one she likes in the future;
dinner starts to increase the headache and sickness of alcohol, reluctant In
order to do a good job in class, watch the MV video with great concentration, and break down, imitate, and incorporate the self-accompaniment dance of the Sichuan Opera version of "Thank you for your love". But in the end, due to lack of proficiency, the choreography was fragmented and seriously lost its integrity;
...
Just as our country’s fast-developing economy will inevitably cause drastic changes in the entire society and bring about other problems, the gradual change in my lifestyle will inevitably cause confusion about choices.
When I opened my hands to the original rich life, prosperity began to embrace the somewhat boring life. I tried my best to maintain this kind of relaxed and happy life, but I reminded me in my heart that this is just a short "floating cloud" before facing the challenging society alone. The surface comfort but can't stand the test will eventually drift away. .
In fact, loneliness and prosperity are not absolutely mutually exclusive, but should complement each other. Some people say that if you are alone for a long time, you will have addiction, but I say that it is not addiction, it is the fear of prosperity, more precisely, the fear of having prosperity and being unable to grasp it; blindly prosperous and impetuous is also untenable, for a long time. Being far away from one's own mind will gradually exhaust the sense of self-identity and find no direction in life. People have to endure loneliness before they can keep the prosperity. Sadly, we tend to be eager for prosperity, but have no admiration for loneliness.
I shouldn't be too pessimistic. The end of life is the destination, and we can't just hurry up and miss the stage of life on the journey before the end. Appreciate the scenery of the journey with a grateful heart, join hands with you to love and love you, hate and hate you, and stage all kinds of sad or happy, boring or thrilling stories
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