"Beautiful things are also broad and deep, full and heavy, like the sea."
"I want to be as amazing as the sea."
"The combination of hardness and softness makes the sea itself." - Jules
From looking at the body on the other side of the mirror when I was young, I was doomed to a life that was flowing and turbulent like a sea.
On staring and critiquing—
Transgender people, especially transgender people, are always in a cycle of self-criticism. As Jules said, whether under the gaze of the same sex or the opposite sex, she directly feels "criticized". And the same is true when you look in the mirror yourself. Like an exam or competition, if she doesn't meet the mark, her self-identified gender is "denied". She can't get social recognition of her gender like some other cisgender girls, even if she has tousled hair and goes out in baggy jeans and a leather jacket, so she chooses women's clothes according to what men like, and she will have dead skin on her hands. Cleaned up cleanly and will take care of the nail polish before it flakes off - always on purpose to create the closest possible "standard girl" female image. So did Brandon in Boys Don't Cry. Brandon has been working hard to meet women's expectations of the perfect boyfriend. He smiled proudly and said, "They all said I was the best boyfriend." At the same time, Brandon said, "I was just a normal girl at first, then I became a tomboy, and then I became a tomboy. I became a jerk." In the process of meeting social expectations, he hid his delicate, gentle and sometimes timid true character. He gritted his teeth and played violent games and drag racing with men, imitating the passion and rebelliousness of small-town Texas boys in those days. unwilling role.
In fact, everyone is more or less bisexual, but trans people are often forced to abandon their original gender due to social expectations: MTFs are not supposed to be brave and careless, so they raise their voices to be gentle And delicate; and FTM can't be tender and crybaby, so they lift the bar to be rough and strong. In fact, Jules and Brandon both secretly retain certain characteristics related to the original gender, and it is these characteristics and the gender characteristics they expect to return to make a complete soul, a real individual. So, although social expectations have shaped Jules' appearance and personality, Jules will not hold back forever. She wants to break this confinement and let "self" be herself again. The process is difficult and long because it is difficult for trans people to be aware of this and reclaim their gender identity. As mentioned earlier, Jules lived very carefully because she lived under the critical gaze of others for a long time. She learned to self-criticize under such gaze, and long-term self-criticism can easily lead to habitual self-loathing and eventually self-harm. idea. She is testing on the edge of danger, constantly dating online, sharing private photos, and being threatened by Nate...such as "moths to the fire", she secretly experiences the excitement that may lead to destruction. In short, the gaze sprinkled on transgender people, although silent, has complexities that cannot be ignored.
about love--
What does Rue mean to Jules? Close friends, lovers with special eyes, addicts like their mothers, triggers of childhood trauma, healers of lonely adolescence. It is warmth and pain, it is a gift and a knot. Before watching the special chapter, I thought that Rue's love for Jules was too unequal. Rue was mad because she saw netizens, she tried to quit drugs because of her, and began to find the meaning of life because of her. Rue's life ruins turned into a neon hut , you don't need cement bricks and tiles, just a Jules; but in the special chapter, Jules talks lightly about her and Rue's story, how different Rue's eyes are when she sees her, how much beauty it brings to herself, and the separation from the subway station , and then to the fantasy of the future, how similar is the mother and Rue... It turns out that she hid most of her feelings, in addition to love and care, there is also "salvation"——
Jules' mother is an addict like Rue (the former is an alcoholic), and they look at Jules in similar eyes and love Jules in different ways. But the mother's repeated mistakes and absences made Jules turn him away. Mother waited in the living room for her forgiveness, and finally quietly left alone. Jules opened the door and saw only an empty chair. All of this evolved into a vague feeling of "redemption" without Jules noticing it. In his relationship with Rue, Jules tried to save the troubled soul, redeem the lack of love and warmth, and make up for what he didn't choose to forgive. Pity.
Furthermore, the relationship is sexually complex. Transgender people are often assumed to fall in love with someone of the opposite gender, just as cisgender people are supposed to fall in love with the opposite sex. Jules, a young transgender woman, once thought she should give both love and sex to men, but Rue's kiss changed her mind. She defies stereotypes and expectations and loves Rue as bravely as Rue loves her. Jules stressed to the therapist that she now realizes how "boring" the men she's been with are, and that what they want is so different from what she aspires to. Transgender is a gender, not a sexuality, and both transgender and cisgender people can belong to any type of sexuality. So Jules' acceptance of Rue actually represents a higher level of Jules' self-acceptance.
On the other hand, Rue confessed to Jules after a struggle in her heart that she recognized and accepted her pansexual identity. Although she is addicted to drugs and lost her way, she is free and easy, self-conscious, and unconventional. She doesn't care what gender the person she loves or what label she is labeled. This reminds me of Lana, Brandon's girlfriend mentioned earlier. When Lana found out Brandon's real name was "Tina, she resolutely went to the women's detention center to bail Brandon. Brandon said to him, "Brandon is not a boy, but a girl..." Lana interrupted her: "That's your own. thing. Listen, I'm going to get you out of here even if you're half human and half monkey! "Lana held Brandon's hand tightly, took her out of the detention center, and helped her escape the pretense and escape of her gender and identity.
Every Jules, every Brandon—
The daily behavior that many cisgender people disapprove of can be a wave, a tangle, a risk, and a sting in the life of a trans person.
Maybe a Brandon living at this moment is bothering about going to the bathroom. He stepped into the men's toilet, locked the door of the compartment, and kept the rush of water in the ceramic toilet as low as possible. At this time, when I heard someone come in to use the urinal, the crisp sound under me became more and more harsh, and finally caused a complex emotion of nervousness and helplessness; perhaps at this time on the other side of the world, another Brandon was attending a weekend beach party. . Others rushed into the sea in briefs or bikinis at ease, while he was sipping a beer on a beach chair in his shirt and shorts, and he waved no when friends motioned for him to come into the sea. The light reddish-brown scars on the chest don't go away easily, just like the mixed feelings are always there. Or maybe there is a feeling of helplessness that Jules still can't achieve after trying drugs, surgery, and daily training; a mental activity that he doesn't want to admit when he hears others repeatedly shouting his original name that he couldn't change... …
These waves, entanglements, adventures, and stings are not often noticed by the public, but they are real in every day of transgender life.
I don't know if it's just a coincidence, but the trans people around me tend to have a different fascination with the sea, just like Jules. In the sea, you swim, aimlessly, without knowing the direction, feeling the "spiritual transformation" like the tidal change every second, your mind and your body melt in the sea, and then reconcile. The freedom and ease of the water flow, the strength and courage of the surging waves, the gentleness of the golden light at sunset, and the loneliness that no one knows under the moonlit night—
It is indeed your soul in sea blue.
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