When I watched this movie for the first time, I mainly focused on the text of the lines, and when I watched it for the second time, I paid more attention to the plot, composition, scene, psychological activities, etc.
Perhaps because of the different ways of thinking between men and women, it is found that in capturing the subtleties of actors' emotions, the pictures presented by female directors are often more delicate and natural. Especially in a lesbian film with strong textuality like this, its word by word, the movie shot corresponding to each picture may be just the tip of the iceberg. What the director has to do is to let the audience see the whole picture through the tip of the iceberg of the picture.
In my opinion, the director of this film did exactly that.
With a love for the film and a keen interest in the lines in the text, I compiled the lines from Abigail's diary.
Tuesday, January, 1st, 1856
Fair and very cold. This morning, ice in our bedroom for the first time all winter.
(It was sunny and cold and I found my bedroom icy for the first time this year)
The water froze on the potatoes as soon as they were washed. With little pride, and less hope, we begin the new year.
(The water on the potatoes turned into ice as soon as they were washed. There was no vigor and no hope, and the new year started again)
On the porch after sunup, I could hear the low chirping of sparrows in the hedgerows that are now buried in the snow.
(Standing on the porch at sunrise, I can hear the sparrows humming on the hedge in the snow)
Dyer has maintained that with good health, and a level head, there is always an excellent chance for a farmer willing to work.
(Dell has always believed that as long as you have a good body and keep your head calm, then hardworking farmers will have good luck)
He feel he can never fully rid himself of his burdens. And I'm certain that because his mind is in such a bad state, it affects his whole system.
(He felt like he would never be able to get rid of those burdens. I'm sure it was because of his poor mental state, which affected his whole being)
He told me this morning that contentment was like a friend he never gets to see.
(He told me this morning that contentment is out of reach for him)
Since our acquisition of this farm, my husband had kept a ledger to help him see the year whole.
(Since acquiring the farm, my husband has been keeping accounts to sort out the financials for the year)
This way he knows what each crop and field pays from year to year.
(so that he knows the harvest of each crop and field each year)
And Dyer has asked me to keep a diary of matters that might otherwise go overlooked.....
(Dell when I write a good memo to avoid forgetting something)
From tools lent out to bills outstanding. That I have done.
(like loaned tools or unpaid bills I keep writing)
But there would be no record in these dull and simple pages of the most passionate circumstances of our seasons past.
(But these drab and minimalist records never capture what really matters to us, our past years)
No record of our emotions or fears. Our greatest joys. Our most piercing sorrows.
(No record of our moods, our fears, our happiness, our piercing sadness)
With our child, it was as if I'd found my bearings. But I too rarely told her that she was our treasure.
(After having a child, I seem to have found the meaning of life, but I rarely tell her that she is our treasure)
She often seemed separate from us, as if she was working at just fitting in where she could.
(She is very independent and seems to be trying to adapt to everything around her)
There is something so affecting about mute and motionless grief and illness in a child so young.
(Some things are so heart-wrenching, her little body goes through a silent stagnation of sadness and sickness)
She put her arms around me and said nothing else. But it felt like we were speaking.
(She wraps her arms around me and doesn't say anything, but she says everything)
I have become my grief
(I'm drowning in sadness)
Sunday, February, 3th
"Welcome sweet day of rest", says the hymn.
("Welcome the happy rest," the hymn goes)
And Sunday is most welcome for it's few hours of quiet ease.
(Sundays are the most popular because everyone can enjoy a moment of peace)
As for me ,I no longer attend.After the calamity of Nellie's loss,what calm I enjoy.
(As for me, I'm not participating anymore, I want peace after losing Nellie)
does not derive from the notion of a better world to come.
(Not for the future or for heaven after death)
I want to purchase an atlas.
(I want to buy this atlas)
Monday, February ,4th
Why is ink like fire? Because it is a good servant, and a hard master.
(Why do you say that ink stone is fire? You can control it, it is a loyal servant, you can't control it, it is a difficult devil)
My self-education seems the only way to keep my unhappiness from overwhelming me
(I keep learning, as if this is the only way to keep myself from grief)
She saw I had noticed her hair, and admitted she had been vain about it as a girl.
(She saw that I noticed her hair, and she admitted that she was proud of her hair since she was a child)
She said that back then, she'd worn it longer and plaited in a bun at the back of her head.
(She said his hair was longer than it is now, and he put a ponytail on the back of his head)
In the winter sun through the window, her skin had an underflush of rose and violet.
(The winter sun shines through the window, her skin the color of roses and violets)
which so disconcerted me that I had to look away.
(It upsets me so much that I have to look away)
As always, when it came to speaking and attempting to engage another's affections, circumstances doomed me to striving and anxiety.
(As usual I always feel anxious about everything around me when I want to talk or try to get attention)
From my earliest, I was like a pot-bound root, all curled in upon itself.
(Since boyhood, I've been like a tree growing in a pot, all roots curled up in a small space)
Thursday, February ,14th
Dyer's third night with the fever.
(third night of Dell's fever)
I've restored him somewhat with an enema of molasses, warm water and lard. Also a drop of turpentine next to his nose.
(I tried to make him comfortable, tried an enema treatment with syrupy lukewarm water and lard, and put turpentine in his nose)
I spent the day reconsidering my conversation with Tallie
(I spent the whole day recalling my conversation with Tieli)
We compared childhood beds...Mine in which the straw was always breaking up and thinning out. And hers, which was as hard, she claimed, as the Pharaoh's heart.
(We compared the beds when we were kids, mine was straw, always falling apart, and very soft. She said her bed was very hard, like a pharaoh's heart)
Her manner is sweet and clam and gracious. And yet her spirits seem to quicken, at the prospect of further conversation with me
(Her demeanor is sweet and calm, and her spirit seems to be improving, hope to talk to me further)
I find that everything I wish to tell her loses its eloquence in her presence
(I found that I had a lot to say that I couldn't say in front of her)
Tuesday, February ,19th
My reluctance seems to have become his shame. His nighttime pleasure, which were never numerous, have curtailed even more.
(My reluctance seems to be a disgrace to him. His already sparse evening entertainment has become even less of a thing)
And I have so far refused to engage his persistence on the subject of another child
(I have so far refused to accept his obsessive pursuit of another child)
Monday, February ,25th
Finney and Tallie's bond confounds me. At tines, when their eyes meet, they seem yoked in opposition to one another, while at other times, there seems a shared regard.
(Finney and Teri's relationship confuses me. Sometimes when their eyes meet they look like enemies, and at other times there seems to be a consensus)
There is something going on between us that I cant unravel.
(Something happened between us that I can't figure out)
The great storm began with a faint groaning in the northeast. It was like a noise of a locomotive.
(The big storm begins, and there is a faint moaning noise from the northeast, like the noise of a train)
Monday, March ,17th
Half the chickens are lost. I dug ice and snow from their dead open mouths in an attempt to revive them.
(Half the chickens were dead, I dug the ice and snow out of their half-open mouths to try and revive them)
The Widow Weldon's son, on his rounds, reported that Tallie had gotten home sately, with , he thought, only a bit of frostbite.
(The son of Widow Wilton, while he was on patrol, told me that Terri was home safely. He thought Terri was just a little frostbitten)
Thursday, April ,10th
Biscuits and dried mackerel for breakfast. Dyer has augmented the padding in the cattle pens with his hoardings of maple leaves and old straw.
(We had biscuits and dried mackerel for breakfast, Dale added some straw to the bullpen and made a makeshift railing out of maple leaves and dried straw)
It always seems that Tallie will never appear. But I remind myself that time and the needle wear through the longest morning. And I have noted that when she does arrive, my heart is like a leaf
Borne over a rock by rapidly moving water.
(It seemed that Terri would never show up again, but I counted the days and spent the long mornings with needlework. I realized that when she did come, my heart was like a fallen leaf pushed against the rocks by the rushing current )
Saturday, April , 12th
I spent the last two days...Very damp,cloudy and cool.Smoky.Perhaps the forest is somewhere on fire.
(For the past two days, the air has been moist, cloudy, cool, and smoky, maybe there is a fire deep in the forest)
Monday, April ,14th
A terrible bad spring so far, but the clover has come up through it, and is all right
(It's been a terrible spring so far, but the clover has grown and it's not bad)
Thursday, April , 17th
Rain in torrents nearly all night. The lane is flooded and the ditches brim full.
(It was pouring rain almost all night, the alley was flooded and the gutter was overflowing)
This morning, only a slight shower. Tallie came later than her usual time today. She offered no explanation.
(only drizzle this morning, Teri came later than usual today, she didn't give any explanation)
Tuesday, April ,22th
I felt, looking at her expression, as if she were in full on a flood tide, while I bodded along down backward. And yet, I never say on her countenance the indifference of fortunate towards the less fortunate.
(I could feel, from her expression, that she was going as fast as the wind, but I was going backwards, and yet I never saw in her face the love of the lucky to the unfortunate. indifferent)
Friday, April ,25th
Astonishment and joy, Astonishment and joy, Astonishment and joy,
(surprise and joy, surprise and joy, surprise and joy)
Friday, May ,30th
The sunshine streaming through the branches makes a tremendous farrago of light and shade. We hold our friendship between us and study it, as if were the incomplete map of our escape.
(The sun shines through the branches, the light and the dark intersect, we maintain our friendship, and gradually deepen, as if it were a mutilated map for our escape)
When the day is done, my mind turns to her, and I think, with a special heat.
(At the end of the day, my thoughts flew to her with a special passion)
"Why are we to be separated?"
("Why are we doomed to separate?")
When she left, I was like a skiff at sea with neither hand nor helm to guide it.
(When she left, I was like a boat at sea with no hands and no rudder to guide)
Sunday, June, 8th
All afternoon, a hawk has been using a single cloud above us as its own parasol.
(All afternoon, an eagle has been using the cloud above us as his umbrella)
Our whole house now seems both angry and repentant. God help us.
(Our whole family looks angry and regretful now. God bless us)
When three days went by without a word from her. I stole over to her house to look on her from what I imagined to be a vantage point of perfect safety.
(Three days have passed, and she has no news at all. I quietly went to a high place near her house that I thought was absolutely safe to see her)
By turning the lens piece, I could draw her face hearer, and hold it there until she turned away.
(By running the camera, I can see her face clearly and stay in this position until she turns away)
Her image provoked a sensation in me like the violence that sends a floating branch far out over a waterfall's precipice before it plummets.
(Her image stirred up a Melaleuca wave in my mind like a floating tree descending abruptly on a waterfall with cliffs.
Monday, June, 9th
Merciful father...Turn the channel of events.
(Merciful Heavenly Father, turning the gears of fate)
Wednesday, June, 11th
Dyer has been silent all day, and I was happy to be left in my solitude.
(Dell was silent all day, but I'm glad I stayed)
My mother once told me in a fury when I was a little girl that my father asked nothing of her except that she work in the garden, harvest the produce, preserve the fruit, tend the poultry, milk the cows, manage the household duties, and help out in the fields when needed.
(When I was a little girl, my mother told me angrily that my father asked her nothing but to work in the garden, harvesting the fruit, preserving it, tending the poultry, milking the cows, managing the house, and help them when needed.)
She said she appeared in his ledger only when she purchased a dress.
(She said it only appeared on his ledger when buying clothes)
And how have things changed? Daughters are married off so young that everywhere you look a slender and unwilling girl is being forced to stem a sea of tribulations, before she is even full-grown in height.
(How things changed, daughters getting married so young, and everywhere slender and reluctant girls were forced to stop a sea of misery. Even before she was fully grown in height)
The Mannings' oldest daughter tipped over an oil lamp and it set the house ablaze.
(The eldest daughter of the Mannings overturned an oil lamp and the house caught fire)
From the house by the flames, she heard calla from her sister who was trapped in the upper loft.
(Before being rescued, she heard her sister's cry for help trapped in the attic)
Back at the table. Tallie kept strict custody of her eyes. Her husband's mood seemed to have darkened. He served the pastries and creams himself, leaving only her plate empty.
(Back at the table, Teri kept herself from looking around. Her husband's mood seemed to grow gloomy. He served the pastry and cream himself. Only her plate was empty.)
Saturday, June, 21th
My heart a maelstrom. My head a bedlam. A whole week an no visit from Tallie. No word.
(My heart is a maelstrom, my head is a mess, and Teri hasn't come to see me for a whole week, and there is no news from her)
My anxieties often force me to stop my work.and pace the house like an inmate.I have to see her.
(I'm too anxious to work, I'm pacing the house like a prisoner, I have to see her)
Monday, June, 23rd
Dyer said Mrs. Nottoway recalled spotting their caravan on the county road in the late evening, heading northwest. She believed she spied Tallie's figure alongside her husband's but was unsure.
(Dale says Mrs. Notoway saw their caravan going northwest along a country road late at night. She thinks she sees Terri, with her husband, but isn't sure.)
A hired hand, she thought, was driving the second wagon.
(She thinks a hired hand is driving the second wagon)
Sunday, June, 29th
I spotted the sheriff on his way to church. I conveyed my accusations, to no response.
(I ran into the sheriff when he was going to church and I reported it to him but got no response.
Dyer said that no one would investigate a crime without evidence that a crime had been committed.
(Dell said no one would investigate an undocumented criminal)
I refused to calm myself.so he tied me to a chair and administered laudanum.
(I refused to calm down, so he tied me to a chair and injected me with opium tincture)
Monday, June, 30th
Bleary and short of breath from the laudanum...I wake weeping,retire weeping,stand before my duties weeping.
(Because the opium tincture made me down and short of breath, I woke up crying, fell asleep crying, and cried watching what I was going to do)
Sunday, July,6th
I am a library without books,a sea of fear,agitation and want
(I am a library without books, I am an ocean of fear, anxiety and desire)
Dyer speaks of how much we have for which to be grateful. I sit violently conscious of ticking clock while he weeps at what he imagines to be his own poor,forgotten self.
(Dale says we have a lot to be grateful for, and I sit on that alarm clock that just feels ticking loudly as he weeps over his imaginary, poor, forgotten self)
Wednesday, July,9th
Despite some hours without the laudanum, I was so befogged and wild with grief, that Dyer left me for the afternoon. unsettled and way or my state.
(I'm so lost and sad despite not taking opium tincture for an hour. Dale ignored me this afternoon. Upset and worried about my situation)
Tuesday, July,22nd
received a letter
Abigail,Abigail,Abigail.I'm sorry that all I have to send you is this letter, and I'm sorry for all that a letter cannot be.Even the best letter is just a little bit of someone.I'm sorry I never dot to say goodbye, and I'm sorry that we seem to have traded one sort of misery for another. It turns out that houses deep in the backwoods always seem to be awful and unnatural in their loneliness. If there were only a ruined abbey around there with bats in it, the view would be pertect. Our roof is ramshackle and sheds water nicely in dry weather, but we have to spread milk pans around the floor when it rains. Still, outside the kitchen, there are already anemones and heart's-ease, and even prettier flowers which my stupidity keeps me from naming for you. I believe I've enjoyed myself less these last few weeks than any other female who ever lived.During what little time I have to my self, Finney reads aloud instructions for wives from the Old Testament. But when it comes to the Bible, I have to say that there are a lot of passages he may know word for word, but which haven 't touched his heart. I can't account for his state of mind except to say that my company must be intensely disagreeable to him. And if that's the case, I'm sorry for it.
What's to become of the thousands of our sex, scattered out in the wilderness, and obliged to tax our strengths? I felt as if, at that selfsame hour when our prospects were brightest, that in the dim distance a black shadow approached. And yet still, imagine the happiest for us of the sort in which two families previously at daggers drawn are miraculously brought together on love's account. It is your face I bear trough the night. It is to you I devote a dreaming space before I turn myself to sleep, but there is no sleep. It's as if within me everything clamors for air, and I think if it's like this now, what will it be like later? I send you what love and support I can. I send you all my heart's hopes. Abigail.
Please know that force alone couldn't have gotten me here to a place like this. I was told I had to act in support of interest, happiness and the reputation of someone I once loved.
(Remember, brute force alone couldn't have brought me to a place like this. I was told that I had to act to preserve the interests, happiness and reputation of the people I once loved)
As far as I can figure, we're now still only about 85miles apart. But of course, people like us don't go on long visits.
(As far as I can tell, we're only 85 miles away, but of course, people like us can't travel far)
Dyer refused first to permit my departure, and then to accompany me, and only caught up to the cart at the end of our property and climbed aboard. We were the very picture of anguish, rattling along side by side .
(Dell refused my departure, then followed me, caught up with the wagon, we ran out of money, and climbed into the boat. We were a true portrayal of the pain, swaying side by side)
The night was fair and warm with the appearance of a coming rain. A shower.
(It was sunny and warm that day and it seemed like it was going to rain. It was a shower)
It's so hard to write about hoe much I want to thank you, but I have to set start somewhere. Abigail...I want to tell you that being with you, even alone, has been like being a part of the biggest and most spacious community I could ever imagine.
(It's hard to write how much I thank you, but I have to start, Abigail...I want to tell you that being with you, even as a person, is like the biggest thing I can imagine One of the most spacious community)
I feel closer to you than I would a sister since everything amazing that I feel. I chose to feel.
(I'm closer to you than my own sister, because I feel those wonderful things. I choose to feel)
And do you know what memory it is that I most cherish?
(Do you know what my most precious memory is)
It's of you turning to me with that smile you gave me, once you realized that you were loved.
(You turn to me and smile when you realize I love you)
I have no way of knowing what is to come, but I do know that all of the trust. and care and courage we shared that will all shine on us, and protect us. You are my city of joy.
(I can't know what's going to happen, but I know that our mutual trust, mutual care, mutual encouragement, will shine on us and protect us)
You are my city of joy. You are my city of joy.
(You are my joy city, you are my joy city)
Sunday, August, 31st
Weather very hot and sunny. I cleaned out the shed, which was full of rusty and dusty rubbish.
(It was hot and sunny, and I cleaned the shed, which was full of rusty, dusty garbage)
Washed the window, and preserved apples for the winter. Fourteen dollars from the sale of our milk and butter.
(scrubbed the windows, sealed the apples for the winter, our milk’s = and butter sold for $14)
I have cut my hand with a paring knife. I console myself with the conviction that someday in the future when Dyer is forced to travel to Syracuse for feed or supplies, I will join him, and take his rifle and go to Skaneateles and kill Finney where he sits.
(My hand was cut by a paring knife, and I consoled myself with the conviction that if Dale had to go to Syracuse someday in search of food and groceries, I would go with him to Ska with his rifle Niateles kills Finney)
Dyer has been at work on the barn. Each day, we enact our separation. Sometimes after it gets dark, we walk over the hills across our upper fields , for the wide, wide view.
(Dell has been working in the barn, and every day, the gap between us is widening, and sometimes after dark, we go over the mountains and across the heights to have a wide view)
And Dyer tries to imagine us as we were, while I try to imagine Tallie, and that cordial and accepting home that existed solely in our dreams.
(Dell tried to imagine us as we were, but I was thinking of Teri, and that kind and accommodating family, which unfortunately only exists in our dreams)
I imagine Tallie and Nellie somewhere together.and Nellie running her brush through Tallie's hair.
(I imagine somewhere where Teri and Nellie are together, and Nellie is combing Terri's hair)
I imagine banishing forever those sentiments of my own that she chastened and refined.
(I imagined forever banishing my emotions that she honed and honed)
I imagine resolving to do what I can for Dyer.
(I imagine I'm determined to do my best for Dale)
And I imagine continuing to write in this ledger, here, as though this was my life.
(I imagine continuing to write down this ledger, here as if this is my life)
As though my life was not elsewhere.
(As if my life wasn't anywhere else)
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