After watching this movie, I fell into a depressed mood for a time. I have to say that this movie is too real, a real "seven-year itch". I have been thinking about why Cindy and Dean have come this far. After thinking about it for a long time, I think this issue needs to be divided into two parts. One is love and the other is marriage. These are two different things.
From the perspective of love, love is not a matter of objects, but a matter of ability.
Many people mistakenly attribute the problem of ability to the problem of the object, thinking that a perfect love can be harvested by just changing one person. This is not right. You will find that falling in love is like painting, it is a technical job, not a painter Technical problems account for the majority, and the responsibility cannot be put on the model. Just like Van Gogh, he did not just meet the most suitable sunflowers before he painted the world-famous painting "Sunflowers". As an artist, Van Gogh's "Starry Night" and "Iris" self-portrait series are all world-famous paintings.
Obviously, neither Dean nor Cindy has the capacity to love someone, or to love someone for a long time. Even if they form a lover/family with other people, it is difficult to maintain a long-term stable relationship.
From the perspective of marriage, although they are married, the core issues are mainly:
The roles of "husband" and "wife" in marriage have not been fully entered, and emotional needs and values are seriously different.
Cindy's behavior may be more in line with the secular concept of a good wife - it refers to working hard to earn money to support the family, and to undertake a lot of housework. Living under such pressure for a long time makes Cindy lifeless and full of exhaustion. .
And Dean's pursuit of life only stays in the state of "going to work after drinking at 8 o'clock every morning" and not seeking to improve.
Cindy's colleagues didn't rate Dean high either. I think this was mostly due to Cindy's conversation with his colleagues or the "marriage tiredness" that Cindy showed involuntarily. This also proves that in the eyes of the world, in the eyes of Cindy's female colleagues and male bosses, Dean is obviously not a qualified husband.
Dean's work value concept not only made Cindy bear almost all the pressure of family life alone, but what was even more terrifying was that he could not correctly recognize the value of Cindy's work, so he would go to the place where Cindy works desperately. Make a fuss and even beat people. He didn't realize how important this job was to Cindy, to the family, and just let his emotions out. Despite the pain in his heart, as an adult, as a husband, shouldn't he choose a suitable place to communicate with his wife? Do you have to smash each other's jobs?
lack of effective communication
Effective communication = willingness to communicate + ability to communicate. The former is whether you want to communicate, and the latter is whether you can communicate well, which is a test of your empathy ability.
Dean is full of artist temperament, but in the eyes of the world, he is a bit unmotivated. As you can see from the movie, Dean wants to communicate well, but when he encounters a problem, his communication skills go offline. For example, Cindy finds the body of a pet dog, but Dean blames Cindy for not closing the door. Although he buried the dog's body by himself afterwards and took practical actions, the scene at the moment was too lacking in empathy. In moments like these, it's much better to hold her hand or hug her silently, even if you don't say a word.
What I have to say is that Commander Gao's lines are really good. Those repeated nagging lines and relentless questions really made me feel suffocated while watching the movie.
Dean's willingness to communicate is also reflected in the careful preparation of a love hotel on Blue Valentine's Day. He hopes to use this ritualistic move to ease the relationship between the two. The two themes of the hotel room are very meaningful. One is Cupid, the theme symbolizes the sweet romance in the early stage of their love; the other is the future theme, implying the powerlessness of reality and the desire to escape, hoping that the future will be able to clear the clouds. When Dean and Cindy are alone, they appear to be in a state of false rigidity. In front of outsiders, they can still have daily social interactions, but when facing each other, they can neither be who they are now nor go back to their deep love. the past, let alone jump into the future overnight.
Cindy didn't want to go to the love hotel in vain at all. She was very tired and had to get up early to go to work the next day. But Dean didn't take that into consideration and insisted on booking the hotel. Dean chose the future-themed room, and when he entered the room, he was as happy as a child. Subconsciously, he thought of the contradictions in marriage simply, thinking that some romantic actions could solve the problems in the marriage. But he turned a blind eye to Cindy's heart, and he didn't realize that this relationship had already been separated. Perhaps when there are problems in marriage and love, most men will instinctively simplify the problem, while women think more deeply and long-term. Dean didn't give up his efforts, I think this is part of the reason why the barrage casts praise on Dean, but unfortunately, Dean is still immature and too romantic.
The most terrifying thing in married life is that one party's ears are covered with oil, so water can't get in, and the other party can't hear what he says, but he doesn't know that he has a problem with his ears. increasingly stubborn. In the end, one chooses to escape and the other goes to extremes.
Communication between them was superficial, Cindy said: "We rarely sit down and talk like adults because every time I try, you're going to twist my words into something else".
The movie is just an interception of a segment of life. We don't know if Cindy has made similar attempts and efforts, but from the perspective of results, neither of them has grasped the essence of communication in married life.
Loving someone vs getting to know someone
Dean has a kind of persistence that believes that one person and one thing will be able to overcome all difficulties and pursue it to the end. When I was young, as a mover, despite the repeated urging of my coworkers, I had to arrange Walter's room. After marriage, no matter how scarred the two people in the marriage are, they must stick to their wedding vows and stay together until old age. It can be said to be infatuated and romantic, or it can be said to be childish and childish. I want to play with this toy, you promised me, so even if the world is full of knives, I will play with this toy.
He loves Cindy, but loves Cindy in a self-righteous way. What's more, he doesn't know what kind of person Cindy is at all. The familiarity and tacit understanding cultivated in life cannot replace the resonance and mutual attraction of the soul.
Many people enter marriage just because of hormones and luck, but they don't know what the other person is.
Sexual disharmony
Second brush this film, found a detail. In the beginning, when the daughter wakes Dean, Dean sleeps on the sofa and Cindy sleeps on the bed. In the love hotel, Cindy clearly has a physical rejection of Dean. Women have sex because of love. There is no man in a woman's heart. It may not matter what she says verbally, because the body is the most honest.
Two people have the name of marriage, but not the reality of marriage, that is to say, a love with empty promises but no passion, this kind of love is empty love.
Cindy's child with ex-boyfriend is the source of Dean's insecurities
Dean insisted on the romance of love at first sight. Even though he knew that the child in Cindy's belly was his ex-boyfriend's, he resolutely married Cindy and formed a family. He regarded this daughter as his own and loved him in every possible way.
But he still cares about the existence of his ex-boyfriend, as much as he loves Cindy. The better he treats his daughter, the more he exacerbates his inner sense of imbalance, "I have accepted you and other people's daughters, what else do you want me to do?" At the same time, it also exacerbates inner insecurity and inferiority complex, because No matter how hard I work and how good I am to my daughter, I cannot become my daughter's biological father. If Cindy's ex-boyfriend comes back to have a baby, everything in front of him may be shattered at once, Gao Pan's wife and non-natural daughter will be taken away, and he can't protect it all. It was like being beaten up by Cindy's ex-boyfriend when he was young, and he was powerless to fight back.
At the love hotel, Dean asked Cindy, "Want to have another baby with me? You wanna have another baby with me?" He listened carefully to this sentence, and the emphasis was placed on "me" and "me". Dean wanted a child that belonged to him and Cindy. After hearing this, Cindy, who was happy, instantly woke up.
A child should be the biggest hurdle in Cindy's life. When she found out that she was pregnant unexpectedly, she didn't want the child. She finally broke down in the middle of the operation and finally gave birth to the child. This is the most painful scar deep in my heart, and it cannot be easily brought up. And Dean doesn't seem to understand that, he doesn't understand why I treat you so well and you keep rejecting me, why we can't have a baby. Cindy's pain is indescribable, she can only be locked in the room alone, crying silently. Dean didn't know what to do either, repeating "open the door, open the door" feebly.
Dean's approach was also extreme or immature when he asked Cindy what was on his mind. He forced Cindy to jump off the bridge, and in the end Cindy had to tell her about her pregnancy.
In the end, Cindy chose to have children, and Dean's solution was to get married and form a family.
But, at the love hotel after the wedding, Dean said, "I didn't want to be someone's husband or someone's dad, that wasn't my ideal. (That wasn't my goal in life), but somehow, I just want to do this, I didn't realize it before, I just want to do this now, that's what I want to do."
Even he knew very well in his heart that maybe his decision to get married was the only way for an ordinary poor boy like him to be with the beautiful and highly educated Cindy, otherwise the gap between the two would be too great. In order to be with the woman he loves, he forced himself to change his "nature", went against his ideals in life, and chose to marry and raise children. Using this kind of sacrifice to prove love, until the end, I inexplicably accepted all this, thinking that everything I want now is what I want. But is it really so? Is Dean really happy?
Are romantic feelings the natural enemy of marriage? Or, did married life kill Dean's deep-rooted romantic feelings?
When Dean was young, even if he was just an ordinary moving company worker, he would still decorate the room for Walter with a warm and romantic heart, hoist flags, lanterns, and store collections. However, any character advantages have their opposites, and behind the romance is vulnerability and inferiority. In the face of the marriage life, the romance failed, and Dean seemed powerless. It's not that he doesn't want to do well, and he hasn't given up his efforts, but it seems that he does more and more mistakes. The only thing that makes his romance return equivalent is his young daughter. The interaction between Dean and his daughter is one of the few warm scenes in the whole film, which is touching. He loves the elf purely and deeply, and so does his daughter, Dean's last romantic corner.
At the end of the movie, the dazzling fireworks in the night sky when the father and daughter finally embrace each other represent that the romance in Dean's heart is dead. Gorgeous fireworks, the ultimate tribute to Dean and all love romantics.
Love is nobody but you and me, but marriage is the combination of two people from material to spiritual, and finally becomes a fit.
As the saying goes, "Love is easy to get along with," and it is indeed beautiful and moving when you are in love, but married life is more than that. Marriage is an extension of love, and a good marriage should begin with love and end with responsibility.
Different values, different social classes, and different cultural backgrounds. After the love dissipates, the cost of communication rises sharply. One party cannot bear to choose to escape. The other party is blindfolded and works hard, but all efforts are like oppression. Qi, gradually to extremes, to powerlessness. All the efforts are like building a house on the sand, and the memories of the old romantic passion mixed from time to time remind me repeatedly that I have "loved", but this attempt to prove that "the original choice was right" is only one time The second time backfired, but pushed the two people further apart.
"The end of the love thing is death, or very plain." Marriage cannot solve the problems encountered in love, and marriage itself will create countless headaches. The two of them chose to form a family and enter the marriage when they did not understand the relationship. They think this is the current relationship problem. the optimal solution. In the face of their upcoming children, they chose to walk into an unknown marriage in a seemingly responsible way. As everyone knows, they fell into a larger vortex with their children, unable to save themselves, and unable to move forward hand in hand to get out of the puzzle. Whether love lasts, or lasts too long, depends on whether new connections emerge, constantly stimulating love to regenerate in new forms.
I used to look at "Ship of Theseus" as a philosophical issue, and after watching this movie, I found that it is reasonable to look at it as a love issue.
To put it simply, we built a ship, named it the Ship of Theseus, and then the ship went through decades of ups and downs, tinkering up in the process, replacing the deck with a new one, and so on. Until one day, all the original parts, wood, and engines of the ship were replaced with new ones. So the question is, is this ship still the ship of Theseus?
Materially: the experience of having 100 yuan and 10 yuan is different, and the experience of 10 yuan and no money is different
Emotionally: it is love and not love, not much (to say more or less is nonsense)
But love sometimes repeats: for a person, if you don't love it for a while, you will love it again after a while. People's states and emotional needs are fluid. After all, people don't live in a vacuum, like a little dragon girl in an ancient tomb.
So I think love this thing, need constant stimulation, new life, transformation, growth. It needs to be managed, try to prolong the shelf life, like skin care, know that it is the same as it gets old, and it is full of folds, but you can make the folds come later, that is, make changes within your ability to the known ending. Or adjust expectations and coexist peacefully with pleats, commonly known as "live together"
Perhaps many marriages begin with a vow, a promise of eternal love.
Perhaps in many marriages, love dies quietly.
Until love dies, the two people in it don't understand why this happens.
We think love is medicine, but love is an illusion.
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