"I've tried countless times to get out of the ridiculous and depraved world I am now. But I can't, the traces of the past can't be erased. Those nights of despair, sadness, tears and pain that I wish I could kill myself and kill others. Make me up, as long as I live, I am tormented by the past. I still can't choose the routes that I can't do. When I encounter difficulties, I will still curl up and choose weakly to escape back to my bad The world. I am afraid of people like the sun. They are like mirrors to show me how mean, incompetent and negative I am. I have no ability to survive. I am so weak that a single blow can knock me down, let me I lost hope in life. But I'm afraid of death. This rising and falling hope is like fireworks, tormenting me in my own hell. No one knows. I thought about living alone In the world. I fear all the emotions and intimacy, they will hurt me. But how can I live like this. I can't have a pet because I will desperately need its attention and dependence. How they do it Live in the world, with family friends and lovers. I'm confused. I've lost the ability to love. I'm like a balloon floating in the air, ready to disappear. No one needs me, neither do I Needs anyone. Sometimes I think I can start a new life completely, but I feel the tiny pain and sadness in countless hidden moments that grind my heart like little stones and nearly break me. I don't seem to be A normal person. But I act like a normal person. I'm a lunatic, that description makes me happy, I'm an idiot. Sometimes I settle for the status quo and feel like life could be good. But when it comes to my In the past, in my heart, with all my grief and experiences, I wanted to go crazy. It was so oppressive that I could not breathe. I wanted to destroy everything. I felt unwilling and painful. But I know tomorrow I will be I'm numb. The people around me are so happy, and I'm the only one. When I want to live seriously, I waste a lot of time. I don't know anything, and it takes a lot more effort than the people around me to face it bravely. So tired. I don't want that anymore. I just want to disappear. I don't want to die, I just want to disappear. Like it never existed."
View more about Patrick Melrose reviews
