Generally speaking, two people have been in love/married for many years, and more or less will have the idea of trying more ways to get along. Some people here will choose to break up and choose someone else, and some people will choose to find the third, fourth, and fifth under the condition of concealing the other half. There is a special case of interacting with others under the condition that both spouses agree , which is the "open relationship" that we usually hear a little about.
Some time ago, I watched a movie called "Allow", which was based on this mode of coexistence.
The film's heroines Anna (Rebecca Howe) and Will (Dan Stevens) are a couple who have been dating for years since they were students. They are first lovers, and they are each other's first kiss and first time, and their relationship is very stable. The fly in the ointment is that maybe they have been together (sleep) for too long, and their sex life lacks passion (at least the woman thinks so).
Just as the two were preparing for their wedding, Anna couldn't hold back the thought that had been going around in her mind for a long time, and suggested to Will that she wanted an open relationship. In order to make Anna happy, Will, who is reluctant in every way , agrees to his fiancee's request and encourages her to let it go on the first night of her "fight". After that, Will also met a rich woman because of his work.
In this way, the soon-to-be-married two embarked on a hunting trip...
When we talk about an open relationship, people mostly comment on it as "spontaneous" and "chaotic in private life". Before writing this article, I did a small interview with my relatives, colleagues and friends about this issue. The answers they gave me mainly focused on "It's okay for a man to be like this, but it's a bit unruly for a woman to be like this", "I'm in a relationship with people." You can choose more when you are married, and it is absolutely not allowed after marriage”, “what if people around you know what to do” and so on.
This is also enough to see that the social understanding of this polygamous relationship is not in place, and even has a certain degree of prejudice. After chatting for a long time with my friends who are in a multi-even relationship, I got a lot of unexpected goodies. It turns out that an open relationship does not mean promiscuity, and the principled issues to be followed are stricter than those in a very one-to-one relationship.
What is an open relationship
An open relationship is a non-single type of intimate relationship.
This relationship is built on the same basis, and either party enjoys the freedom to have an intimate relationship with a third party with the knowledge and permission of the other party. Another type of "open relationship" refers to the fact that both parties agree to maintain a traditional Platonic friendship or a sex-partnership/partnership in the absence of other partners.
In more common language, they do not fully accept the monogamy or romantic relationship in modern relationships, and do not require the other half to be absolutely loyal to them. On the premise of expressing their thoughts frankly with each other, both parties reach a consensus on the mode of getting along, and both parties can have sex with others on the premise of maintaining their relationship.
Considerations in Open Relationships
If we hear about a couple/couple opting for an open relationship, 80% of the first thought that pops into our minds is "this is too free". In fact, most of the participants had long, careful discussions before establishing an open relationship, covering aspects such as communication styles, physical health, dating, and the breadth and depth of safe information sharing.
From this aspect, an open relationship relies more on trust and honesty between the participants than a one-to-one relationship.
1. Fully and effectively communicate and reach consensus
The most stable stage of mutual affection is the best time to establish an open relationship. There are some friends who are struggling in one-on-one relationships and want to change to an open relationship, and many of them are dissatisfied with the current relationship and want to change . In my opinion, this is not a good time, it is more like an escape attitude under the entanglement between "continue dating" or "break up decisively".
Will in the film is the best example of passive acceptance. In his opinion, the most urgent requirement to satisfy his beloved fiancee is to show his love for her, but he ignores that he does not actually accept (approve) this mode of getting along. During the whole process, he didn't know much about open relationships, and he just followed the pace of his fiancée step by step, which also became the fuse that the latter two did not continue to walk.
2. Honesty is the most important
Among the interviewees this time, the word "frankness" was the most spoken word by them. One of the friends was even more outspoken that choosing an open relationship was choosing honesty (candor) for her.
Before going out on a date, she would tell her boyfriend when and who she was going out with. Unlike "Perfect Stranger", which regards mobile phones as snakes and beasts, both of their mobile phones can be slid away at will. On weekends or holidays, they would open software such as Tantan and Momo in front of each other to "search" for candidates, and they would also provide reference for each other.
3. Set the boundaries of mutual acceptance
Friends, colleagues, and customers of both parties who have a relatively close relationship or have a certain interest relationship cannot be the target of "hunting" in principle. The two parties should also communicate very detailed parts such as whether to avoid the other half when dating, whether there is a priority between each partner, and where the relationship with other people can go.
In addition to this, it is also particularly important to share with the people around you that you are in an open relationship. Emotional fluctuations in open relationships are very common and cannot be separated from the support of friends who know the truth and have an encouraging attitude. Therefore, it is important to choose who to share with. Of course, don't grab people and talk about your niche's living habits, not everyone has a kind vision.
4. Trust
An open relationship isn’t just about trusting the other person, it’s about trusting yourself. The original intention of starting this relationship is because you want to be better for each other, and you want to have the growth and happiness that you can't get in a one-to-one relationship. Therefore, if you start, you must choose to trust the other party, and you must also believe that your original intention remains unchanged.
An open relationship is not an excuse to cheat on the outside, and you need to distinguish between the two.
5. The price of freedom is less privacy
We also talked about the fact that honesty is the most important, but respondents also had to admit that their areas of privacy were constantly being eroded. In the one-to-one relationship, modern people have a strong sense of territory, and will clearly define what is their "sacred and inviolable" private space. In an open relationship where everything needs to be shared, eating and drinking, including sex, is sometimes a topic of conversation.
If you can't accept that, then you're not a good fit for an open relationship.
Summarize
Open Relationship was first proposed in the United States in the 1880s, and it was only popular in Western countries with relatively open sexual thoughts. With the continuous advancement of women's sexual liberation and the continuous change of marriage concepts, even the more conservative Eastern countries (China, Japan, etc.) have gradually emerged this way of life.
There have been successful open relationships throughout history. The movie "Professor Marston and Wonder Woman" released in 2017 is based on a real and successful open relationship.
Well-known psychologist Dr. William Marston, creator of the famous comic book character "Wonder Woman", is a BDSM (bond and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism) lover with two long-term partners . One is his wife, who is also a psychologist, and the other is a student who cooperated with his and his wife's experiments. There are gays, bisexuals, and heterosexuals in this relationship. The relationship between the three has reached a magical balance after many hardships, and the two women are still raising their children together after his death.
To handle an open relationship well, you must be someone who is fully aware of yourself in the future, mentally mature, full of reason, and emotionally stable. In addition to this, you also need to have high communication skills and a talent for keenly sensing the needs of the other party. Even the famous open relationship between the famous philosopher Sartre and Beauvoir, the representative of feminism, is still full of jealous, quarrel, suspicion and other common human emotions.
In general, open relationships are still a very niche way of life, and I don't know enough about it to draw any conclusions about it. I have people around me who have gone from one-on-one to open relationships, and friends who have gone from open relationships back to one-on-one relationships.
For this way of life, I have an attitude of neither rejecting slander nor blindly admiring it.
(End of this article)
Libra post-80s girl who likes movies and TV dramas, food and travel, likes all novel and warm things
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