Recently, I found that several good quality dramas I have seen, with deep connotation and humanization, psychological description and life, revealing real life, are produced by HBO. One of them is Nicole Kidman as one of the heroines A film called "Big Little Lies", the first season can be seen on Tencent Video, and the second season of Renren Video is being updated.
Don't worry about being too long, HBO's shows are generally short and concise. For example, "Game of Thrones" and "Chernobyl".
I love this show for one reason only: it's real.
What impresses me more is that the plot has a good psychological description, highlights the details, and the description of the shooting techniques is very delicate. This drama is a very good psychological drama. I think it has a therapeutic effect on everyone in life.
More or less, at a certain stage in life, everyone may encounter similar things in it, and there will be some past or ongoing pains or troubles.
I will tell some of the points I saw in this drama from my own point of view. I mainly tend to the psychological analysis part.
The main line is a few women, about the age of 30 to 50 years old. The stories about marriage, domestic violence and cheating, psychological trauma, parenting, emotions, told by several women.
A perfect marriage on the surface or a piece of chicken feathers behind a perfect image.
As a psychologist, sometimes I feel like a detective, seeing the complexity and variety of real life. Seeing the black and white sides of things. Seeing personal defenses, masks, and seeing the fragility and powerlessness behind the mask, Fear, helplessness.
And most people don't want to face that.
But if you don't face it, things won't go away, it may get worse and worse, until one day, it will explode.
Facing it will allow problems to be resolved, emotions to be dealt with, and trauma to be recovered.
Things, in the face, are also flowing, and gradually find a solution.
[1] Jenny.
Jenny has just moved to this place to start a new life. She is a single mother. The child is six years old and in first grade.
The child is very cute and gentle. Jenny is a good mother and loves her child very much. When the child was accused of being a little girl in a bullying school, Jenny chose to believe the child's words, firmly defend the child, and stand with the child. Even in In an unfamiliar place facing everyone's accusations, she is also very unswervingly standing with the child,
But she was worried and fearful.
She gave birth to this child because she was raped by a man seven years ago. She is afraid that the child will have the same genes as his father.
But even so, in order to protect the child, first, she did not choose to tell the child the truth of the matter: the child did not come into this world because of love, but because of someone's crime and her great hurt and pain.
Number two, she was alone with this trauma, and she didn't leave the child a little bit. And she didn't hate the child. I think it's very hard to do. Jenny's behavior shows that she is very loving.
Third, although there are doubts in the heart, but pay attention not to give the child bad hints, so when communicating with the child, you will express your love and trust for the child. Let the child feel: mother believes that you are good, mother and you Together, you are not alone.
She bears all the heavy burdens and does not create inner division and pain for the young children.
Not transferring the hurt parts and anger to the child is something very few parents in life can do, in my opinion.
This is the sense of boundary: the child is an independent living body, and he is responsible for him when he is born. The huge harm his father brought her is the fault and sin of the other party, and has nothing to do with the child. The child is innocent.
Jenny faced this wound for the first time since she came here.
Only then did I realize how much pain and fear, how much anger and sadness in my heart. The power of that anger poured out, which was very scary. There was the urge and desire to self-destruct and destroy him.
"Bad me" is scary, it seems uncontrollable, it is like a flood of beasts. But in fact, it is a force to protect and heal itself.
Both anger and sadness need to come out. Only then can the wound be seen and dealt with.
In the face of time and again, to heal. To help yourself.
Although Jenny in the film is going to find the person who raped her with a gun, but, just like every time she vents her anger and despair in her imagination, I think she just needs to protect herself, but in fact she will not really what to do.
She is a very responsible and loving mother. For the sake of herself and her child, she will not really destroy him. But she needs to "get justice" for herself. Let the kind of "injured and helpless" The feeling unraveled when confronted with the perpetrator.
She needs to accompany the fearful and injured self, walk through that road, and give herself an explanation.
She needs to let the other side see her anger and strength.
Just like the later transformation of Carol in "The Walking Dead" - once again facing the abuser, you are stronger than the other party, you are the one who controls the other party - you can never hurt me again, otherwise I will It will make you die miserably.
After Jenny opened the wound with Madeleine for the first time, she began her journey of healing the wound. There will be a process that seems out of control, dangerous and painful, but to heal herself, you often need to go through This road is very real.
She held on by herself and closed the past for many years. She didn't touch this wound. But at the same time, she couldn't have intimacy.
Her inner emotions are completely closed. No one can get close to her. The subconscious is very defensive against the opposite sex.
After she faced and released her anger, after she wanted to do something for her injured self, her heart gradually opened up. It was a painful process.
Dip into the pain, walk through it step by step, and then take the present self created by the past to the new life.
I'm currently watching the third episode of season two and she's trying to date a boy.
The hurt she suffered in the past made her choose to face people she liked, take her time, get to know them first, and then talk about it.
One of the benefits of fear is to protect yourself.
[2. Madeline]
She seems to be the kind of housewife who is naturally sociable, popular, and enviable in all aspects.
She is enthusiastic and cheerful, and she is also very righteous. Because Jenny has helped her, she will cut a knife for Jenny, and will not hesitate to offend a rich and powerful acquaintance in the local area. A person who seems to have a sense of justice. She has a sense of morality. It is indeed higher.
But it always seems resentful, and I am not used to many things, so I have to say a few words like this.
In fact, she does have many, many dissatisfactions.
She is jealous of women with strong jobs and high incomes, because she is a housewife and has not worked for many years, and it is difficult to find an ordinary job in the theater, and it is difficult to have a sense of existence.
Although everyone doesn't say it, there are always secret comparisons, especially Madeline.
I was especially worried about her daughter going to college, which made her very anxious, and she was in the period of youth resistance, so she had to fight against her... In her daughter's words, "because you didn't go to college yourself, so I especially want me to go to college, if I don't go to college, it means my life is over."
Digression: Rebellion in adolescence is a sign of normal and healthy psychological development, which is a good thing. But because they become "disobedient", parents will be very anxious, because they just want to be like adults, themselves The thoughts and feelings of the parents can be respected and understood by the parents, and the more understanding, the easier it is to help them get through this difficult time for both parties.
In fact, it means equal dialogue, listening to the other party's ideas and expressing their own ideas, not coercion and denial. Abby's parents also showed that what will be obtained by coercion, and what will be gained by frank conversation with equality and respect.
I think every child will grow up naturally as long as they are given love and freedom.
Children need care, respect, trust, and inner drive, non-controlling and coercive.
Madeline can't have the career she desires. Her husband is mild-mannered and loves her very much. She also knows that she needs to be content, but the husband and wife lack passion. She can't have desire for her husband. So she cheated once and blamed herself.. ....
"Pretending is the norm in most marriages," a husband once said. Because in fact, the husband also always feels that his wife is dissatisfied with him. Very frustrating.
It's just that everyone pretends that everything is fine.
Don't face the unbearable, so unbearable as if it doesn't exist. Will it?
The years are quiet and the sun is shining.
Madeline's first-grade daughter is almost a mirror of her mother.
His husband once said something very similar to what a psychologist would say: You have a constitution that attracts traumatized people.
Indeed, the subconscious mind is a magical thing that attracts similar people.
Madeline was divorced once and had a bad father as a child. Her father liked to find fault with her and often cheated on her.
And in her life, she often unconsciously and unconsciously puts her own mistakes on the children. Her projections are many and many. Almost unconsciously, she cannot accept that she is "something wrong".
However, as the plot develops later, she is slowly seeing herself. This helps her grow and break the original self-imposed pattern.
[3. Nicole]
Serres, who played the role, is a perfect example.
Perfect body and face, handsome and rich husband, and a wealthy family. She used to be a lawyer, and she became a full-time housewife after marriage. She has a pair of cute and lively twin boys. She dresses very well. Product, gentle and noble lady style.
Moreover, she also has something that her best friend Madeline envies: Ceres and her husband have always maintained passionate sex for many years after their marriage.
The sweetness of the husband and wife always makes others envy, jealous and hate.
However, please remember that God created man imperfectly.
There is no perfection in this world.
Only "looks perfect".
Just like the earth, it looks round, but it's not. The full moon only exists for a moment.
And just like the moon, it also has shadows.
Everything is between movement and change.
Nature has already told us the truth of all things, and "perfect illusion" is the eternal pursuit of human beings.
It drives people to the division of self-real self.
Celeste experienced countless moments of despair and fear and pain in her nine years of marriage.
She numbs herself and convinces herself countless times that to stay for the sake of the child, he is a good father, he loves the child very much. He just has some problems, he loves himself very much, and he loves him very much. They love each other very much. She countless times Trust your husband's words: he will change.
However,
He is a control freak and a sadist.
As long as he doesn't like it a little bit, he beats her violently. Then he will beg all kinds of regrets, kneel down to give precious gifts, and reconcile with her, which often ends with intense sex.
This way, over and over again.
One of the characteristics of a control freak is that he will try to convince the other party that his anger is the other party's problem, the other party's fault, and his own fault. In short, twisting is his forte. Because his heart is so twisted.
And she also needs to distort herself to become a good actor and become the "good obedient wife" that her husband needs. After wearing the mask for a long time, she will get used to it, but the pain in her heart will only be superimposed.
She lives in extreme fear, but also in extreme passion and sweetness... in a song of ice and fire of intimacy.
She is more and more withdrawn, agreeing to all his demands, giving up the work that makes her feel valuable and taking care of the children full-time. To please him. But it can't change his change.
She threatened to leave him after finally one attack. He promised a change, made an appointment with a marriage counselor. Consulted once. No mention of the husband's abuse.
Defense is deep.
And the part of her who loves herself brought her hurt and helpless to see the counselor alone. The counselor found out that she might be being abused and began to help her face her inner self.
Break the membrane that she can't and has been unable to face - they love each other, he's a good father, he loves her too, but they have some problems to solve.
Although the counselor didn't say anything, it was clear from the way she did it. She didn't think her husband would change, that she could change. And she thought that Celeste was not only being abused, domestically abused, but also dangerous. It was morbid, Non-healthy and normal intimacy. Not only threatens the physical and mental health and safety of wives, but also affects their children.
They have been denying that such a relationship has any bad effect on the child.
In fact, she herself has wrapped too many layers of seemingly beautiful things in this relationship, and only sees and thinks about those good parts, but she strongly denies, represses and ignores those major injuries and problems, those deep pains and despairs moment.
It's like spinning a cocoon, one day it will burst.
Until the woman found out that the child was bullying the little girl at school, completely replicating the way the father treats the mother.
The counselor discussed the coping plan with her step by step.
The premise is that Celeste is willing to ask for help. Celeste has real thoughts in her heart to leave her husband. Her ego is awakening.
Later, when her husband attacked her again, she fought back by kicking his genitals. The husband made verbal death threats to her.
I guess she used the self-protection plan suggested by the counselor and stopped being resigned.
An important question is extended here.
[How to deal with domestic violence abusers?]
Because there are many such people in life. I think from a psychological point of view, they are people with personality disorders. It is extremely difficult to change the personality that has already formed.
Even if the person concerned wants to make a firm determination to change, it is very difficult.
Their personality patterns and distorted intimacy patterns stem from the way they were treated as children, or their parents.
They have a sadistic and masochistic relationship model within them.
It's better not to be with them with the idea of changing them, people who have such an idea will be disappointed.
Sometimes such a relationship is a self-growth homework to see if you haven't come out of the trauma of being "masochistic" and "craving to be loved but not being able to".
The pattern of sadism and masochism will be presented differently in different people. It can be roughly understood as the relationship between you strong and I am weak, and I am strong and you are weak.
When you are stronger, you can suppress the other party. When you are weak, the other party will treat you as his private property.
There are generally two forms of sadism and masochism, physical and psychological.
Sadomasochism is common in life, often seen between parents and children, between intimate relationships. Sometimes between friends. Between superiors and subordinates.
The degree has size.
The typical sadism is more serious, like Celeste's husband, if the force is not controlled well, it may cause death and serious injury.
Severe mental (psychological) abuse will cause people to be prone to self-denial, self-attack, lack of self-awareness and self-confidence, insecurity and power in the heart, and prone to depression and anxiety.
All are physically and mentally damaging.
1, leave.
the most direct way.
Mental (psychological sadism) will make a person's self always protect the weak, unable to grow strong, and extremely unconfident. Just like a bird needs to grow some feathers, it will be plucked immediately. This is how learned helplessness comes. of.
This is the only way of self-salvation when the other party is powerless and unwilling to change.
But there are a lot of people who, like Ceres, think that the two are in love with each other except for this problem, and feel that they are good in all aspects. In fact, it is not bad at all, but they are used to being abused, like drug addiction, but drugs can damage the spirit Same goes for physical and masochistic relationships.
Another price is that it directly affects the next generation.
2. He is fierce, you better be more fierce than him.
Let him understand that you are a person, not his property. Let him know what the price of hurting you is. Fight fire with fire.
The abuser feels power, power, control, and pleasure in the weak, submissive, and fearful person.
But your strength will transform the other's inner pattern. Overpower the other.
But you can hold it for a while, but you can't hold it for a lifetime.
His problems are still there, he's still a twisted person inside.
Parts of the abuser can sometimes act like a sociopath.
There is no such thing as love. You are just his belongings and belong to him. You are not alone.
Before leaving, pay attention to collecting evidence, call the police when it is time to call the police, seek psychological and external support, and prevent yourself from falling into a helpless state of being completely controlled and isolated by the other party.
In this way, on the one hand, the other party understands that his behavior needs to bear the corresponding consequences, and he is restrained and intimidating, and on the other hand, he allows his own sense of self to grow a little bit, and helps him to get out of the situation of being abused and controlled to create conditions.
3, drug assistance.
For people with impulsive personality disorder, which is a situation where they have no way to control their impulsive behavior, but feel pain because of it, want to help themselves, but can't change it right away, I think it's a good news to have medicine.
Take a pill to lessen this impulsive and uncontrollable feeling, avoid hurting loved ones, broken families, broken relationships. I think this is an option.
Mood stabilizers like lithium carbonate. It's a good remedy.
If in desperation, there are drugs that can improve the quality of life and maintain the intimate relationship that is valued by individuals, which is an option.
4. Violent people are willing to take the initiative to take psychotherapy and self-growth.
Because after all, it is a situation in which the personality has been stereotyped and is morbid, it is difficult for people to change their inner beliefs, and even psychotherapy needs to be carried out for many years.
But people who are willing to help themselves can change and grow. I have seen such examples in my work experience.
Because of love, and also because of self-awareness, we can face the inner demon.
But there are very few violent clients who can have this insight. Because most of these people have narcissism disorder - it is difficult to admit that they have a problem.
But with this awareness, knowing that you have problems, and willing to work hard to face the people who help you, you are already on the road of self-growth. Everything will be easy and fast to develop in a good direction.
Because of the violent and sadistic part, if you want to transform it, there is still a way.
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There are also two women in the play, Rihanna, a strong woman who is very prone to anxiety and hysteria, and who is very controlling and vulnerable.
The other, Bonnie, a yoga teacher, lives a healthy life and has a strong sense of social morality and justice. He will fight for the rights and interests of most people. At the same time, he is a very attractive woman.
He has always given people a sense of charm, vitality, and inner strength.
She was not allowed to be weak since she was a child. So when important things happened, she used to face it alone. Until she was almost suffocated, but it was very difficult for her to ask for help.
The weight of a life made her unable to breathe.
I guess Bonnie was used to having to deal with bad things growing up. Her mother's teaching made her unable to allow her vulnerable parts to come out. Her emotions were blocked. She couldn't speak, and she couldn't vent.
It is precisely because she suppressed the "weak and injured self" that she projected outside, and would support those weak groups in the society, showing a very social conscience.
At the same time, although she seems to be a very cold and alienated person in the housewife's relationship, when she feels something, she will be very concerned, which is why she sensitively follows Celes in the past. When facing the perpetrator, she instinctively rushed out.
The weak, wounded and helpless self manifested in the body of others at that moment. And she was desperate... unable to stop the instinct to protect herself once injured.
The deeper the depression, the more powerful the explosion.
So there is suspense about Bonnie's past and inner black hole.
On the contrary, Jenny, whose emotions were faced and dealt with, did not explode as she imagined.
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About the author: Wu Xiaofen, also known as Momo, a psychological consultant. A spiritual explorer.
The source of this article, my WeChat public account: Wu Xiaofen
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