The principle of mature love is: "I am loved because I love someone."
Immature, childish love is: " I love you because I need you."
And the mature love is: "I need you because I love you."
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Where is the Grey Garden of Ai Fromm ?
It is in East Hampton, New York, USA, a place with great scenery.
It is a mansion close to the sea. It is said that a well-known architect designed it. The hostess is gorgeous and beautiful, she was a female singer, and Jacqueline Kennedy is her cousin.
What makes Grey Garden remembered is not its luxury, nor how beautiful it was, nor because of Jacqueline. But there used to be a pair of mother and daughter in the gray garden. They have never walked out of this house since a certain day. They refused to cook and earn a living by taking out food. They lived and lived, refused to go out, refused to clean. Stayed until the room collapsed, the world war ended, and the beauty turned into a fat woman. The house was assessed by the health department as "not even suitable for animals to live". There were cats, raccoons, fleas everywhere, garbage, defecation, rotting food, and food. Mildew, they did not leave.
The son once urged his mother to move out of this house, but the hostess stubbornly insisted on the charm
after she had fallen , and she stubbornly said: My name is grey garden. Yes, she is the grey garden, and her daughter. Later, this house that had not been cleaned for decades made them an anecdote of that era. News reporters flocked in. The Mesos brothers made a documentary about their lives in the "Gray Garden" because of the "direct film" ( Real Movie) is famous all over the world, and this work has also become a milestone in the history of documentary. Westerners were stunned by such a pair of strange mothers and daughters.
[The strongest house girl in history]
My mother's name is Big Eddie, and my daughter's name is Little Eddie. Through the remake of "Grey Garden" by director Michael Suxie in 2009, we can recall the more secret emotions of this old story.
The old drama bone Jessica Lange is really suitable for this role. She can always play the half-old milf with a graceful waist and charming charm. She has been declining, but she can't help it to cover it with a more joyful indulgence. The look of fear is exactly the same as the character image of the big Eddie. Drew Barrymore plays her daughter, Eddie Jr., here.
The daughter inherited her mother's name, it was really a wonderful feeling, calling her own daughter's name, but also calling herself over and over again. For people like Eddie who are happy by nature, beautiful, and love to indulge in life, life must never end like a feast, always rich, loving, singing, beautiful, and always enjoying the sky. Love, as if everything should be right, and this kind of woman, probably the most afraid of is the end of the feast, if she is not a truly determined person in her heart.
But she is really not such a determined person.
When Eddie’s husband became more and more emotionally estranged from her until they separated, she did not quarrel. We saw that she was still dressed in a Chinese dress, singing and dancing with her lover in the gray garden all day long, and exclaimed: "Is this beautiful? It's really the most beautiful place in the world." Basking in the sun, blowing in the wind, wearing beautiful clothes, I don't know what year it is to be indulged. She would always put the words "Is this beautiful" and "Is that beautiful" verbally, describing her gray garden, describing her daughter, and describing her own life. But since then, her life has actually begun to be riddled with defects.
When all the savings were squandered, the lover finally left Eddie. Seeing the lover tidy up and making up her mind, she still didn't struggle to recover, probably she knew it in her heart, and it was useless to recover. Because of the shortage of funds, all the servants of the whole house have been dismissed. She is the only one left in the huge mansion. The gray garden began to reveal its true decline from the illusion of vitality, and it was from that moment on.
Then she called Little Eddie back, forcibly interfered and ended the acting dream that Little Eddie wanted to pursue in New York. For a person who is accustomed to indulging in the "happy" sense of life, how can life accept blankness? Stagnation, facing your true self? Therefore, in the absurd and true story of "Grey Garden", we saw such a couple who finally refused to leave the house, stopped doing everything to clean up, and relied on the mother and daughter who continued to remember the past and depended on each other, from the beauty of grace and magnificence. , Became a life like a beggar with raccoons and fleas.
Little Eddie missed her dream of becoming an actor and a chance to get married. In the end, she never walked out of the gray garden, from a beautiful girl to a middle-aged woman covered with cellulite, bloated and out of shape. Her hair almost fell out, so much so that for more than 20 years she had been wearing various headscarves, pierced with a brooch, and then put a skirt over her shorts, like a ridiculous and funny diver. She likes to bounce around, nagging, narcissistic and exaggeratedly immersed in her own "beauty", "can sing and dance" narcissism can not extricate themselves, this image made her become the American version of Sister Furong. When her cousin Jacqueline Kennedy visited them after hearing the shocking news, she showed great jealousy and resentment. She said to Jacqueline that she had dated the little Joseph Jr. who was most likely to become the president at that time. ▪ Kennedy, if it weren't for the death of Joseph Jr. in the battle, there would be no business with Jacqueline here.
And such things were all fantasised by her.
But in the resentment that is so jealous and spurned by the viewers, we can clearly feel the sour grievance hidden under the irritable emotions: not continuing our dreams, not successfully marrying a good family, and then And my mother left to fend for itself in this gray garden like a deserted trash, until it rots. That was not what little Eddie wanted. If she was determined enough, maybe she could walk out of here and take her mother, but she actually stayed. Therefore, it is often said that the poor must have something to hate.
But where does this hatred come from?
Is she to blame for having such a mother? But Eddie’s husband, a wealthy businessman, is always talking, telling his wife not to sing and dance, give up her beloved singing career, and tell her, "Find a good family for your daughter to marry. This is your task. The person who is your only responsibility" does not need Eddie to be her own, but to make her a "wife". After suspending his role as a singer as a "self-identity", Big Eddie chose to escape the lack of self by indulging in singing and dancing after facing the endless emptiness and a lot of tasteless family life, just like many people would do. That way, we often don't realize what we are hiding, even if we know it anxiously, we can't control ourselves not to do it. Whether it is conscious or unconscious, a kind of uncontrollable addiction, briefly surrounded by joyful love, as if it will never be lost and ended, this moment is connected to the next, and I deceive myself.
But when the "enjoyment" of singing and dancing was forcibly "removed" from Eddie's life, all the empty truths were naked in front of her, so this time, she used her daughter to resist.
[Adult baby and the kidnapping of love]
Big Eddie and Little Eddie, both of them are like "not grown up" adults, and they live a pampered life like swaddling them. They are never short of money and are supported by their families. Habits, when the difficulties in life ensue, they don’t think of how to improve, but just let it go. Perhaps the concept that has always been in the subconscious is, “Someone will pay the bill”, “because of my life It’s all like this.”... In the entire large mansion, their activity area was gradually reduced to two messy rooms, and finally to two juxtaposed single beds. They cringed like two big babies in the blanket, also like Babies have lost the ability to manage themselves. There are mountains of rubbish around him, throwing them everywhere, making it almost impossible to move.
Little Eddie had had many opportunities to walk out of the gray garden, but she didn't walk out in the end, and the garbage piled higher and higher until she was buried. It's hard to imagine what kind of mood the mother who once named her daughter after her own name now looks at Eddie, who is so old and unmarried all her life, is she really sober?
Perhaps this mother, who has not really grown up, never knows what she has done to her daughter all her life. Due to the lack of one's own life, it is rare in the West to use children as a matter of filling the hole in your heart. This is probably one of the reasons why this matter will become an anecdote. It is not common for children to accept their own expectations in life. Such things happen more often in the East.
In the East, it is very common for parents to ask their children to become something they did not become when they were young, and to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams for themselves.
We have many fears wrapped in the excuse of love. Because of our unfulfilled desires, we hope to be fulfilled by the next generation of children. Parents often don't even realize that this may not be loving their children, but "filling the hole" for themselves. When parents say “what kind of person I think you have to be” and “you still need to do this, you still need to do that” and they don’t feel anything is wrong, they tend to deprive them. Your own child becomes himself, and the opportunity to become a truly happy person.
Big Eddy said to the camera in the film: "I have lived alone for at least 30 years, I don't mind. Living alone must be very independent, you must be a real individual."
"A true individual", what an irony is this .
A true individual does not mean the ability to live in isolation. Of course not. A true individual is definitely not equated with taking on loneliness. A true individual means that you can bear all the possibilities of life, whether it is good or It's bad, it's so bad.
Big Eddie believes that she did not rely on her marriage, and when the last trust fund left by her marriage was used up, she did not rely on her natal family. She equated this "non-dependence" as "independence", and then Pulling my daughter into escape and indulging in escape, not only ruined the possibility of her own life restarting, but also ruined the possibility of her daughter to live her own life.
"Eddie, there is nothing you can't get here. Even if you travel around the world, you won't find such a beautiful place here. Things are always the most beautiful before they are done. If you really do it, you don't want it. "The mother said to her daughter.
Never try, never take risks, come back, stay with me safely at home, if you never do it, it will never fail. In order to experience the "failure" of life again, it is better not to open it forever.
[What is a real mother]
Psychologist Fromm talked about maternal love in his famous "The Art of Love". He mentioned the relationship between "milk" and "honey". He believed that most mothers have the ability to give Children are "milk", but not all mothers can give "honey".
Milk refers to the ability to raise children physically, while honey more represents the spiritual nourishment given to children psychologically. “Mother’s love for life and fear of life are both contagious.” A mother who loves life and is confident can extend her courage to face the world to her children, so that they have the ability to bear things independently. A mother who is always full of anxiety and melancholy is very likely to produce a very insecure child. He or she may feel extra sensitive and difficult to overcome for the same pressure. In a sense, our anxiety is often learned from our parents, because they are a role model for us to learn how to deal with anxiety.
So, what kind of person is a real mother?
"Women who love their husbands, love other children, and love strangers and humans can become mothers who truly love their children. In this sense, women who are unable to love their children can be very spoiled mothers when their children are young. , But can never become a mother who loves children. The touchstone for testing this is whether a mother is willing to endure separation from her child, and whether she can continue to love her child during separation."
Big Eddie may have given Little Eddie milk, but she is far from giving Little Eddie honey—the kind of courage that encourages children to enter this world where beauty and ugliness, good and evil, predicament and joy are juxtaposed. Including herself, she herself has always relied on a childish and willful life, which made her not a real mother until she was old even though she was a mother of three children physically. A true mother should be a happy person. This happiness has nothing to do with matter, but comes from the abundance deep in the heart. Even for a family in a poverty-stricken situation, if parents do not hold low self-esteem for their own situation, have sufficient self-esteem and independent values, believe that this world is just because of its rich diversity, children will not be It is bound by various secular values from the outside world.
"The sweetness of life" flows from a mother to her children. This honey-like abundance has nothing to do with money, but it can nourish an individual's life and make him or her completely possessed when he or she is separated from the family. Self-confidence to deal with every embarrassment in life.
And a real mother will never be afraid of one day "separation" between her and her child. There may be a little sadness, but that is definitely not anxiety. She can open-mindedly accept any one that will appear in her life. This kind of inevitability and accident, and this kind of generosity will be the best gift for a child in this life.
And if it expands again, a true mother will never only love her own children. Her abundant vitality will spread her love. A broad love and sympathy that transcends the general public will make Wherever she goes, she can share this love, children of other people, strange beggars, the weak in need, anyone who needs love... She can give love to others, not narrow, not narrow The market, don’t be jealous, don’t worry, because the energy of love is inexhaustible. Under the shining of such a mother, the child will also acquire the ability to love the world.
[Atrium] Going
back to the beginning, Big Eddie’s "love" for Little Eddie is actually an immature and childish love, "I love you because I need you", and the other party seems to be trying to fill their own pits. Hole exists. Even if the relationship between mother and daughter does not emphasize interest, the mother still unconsciously regards her child as a filling for her spiritual emptiness
Eddie did not rely solely on the marriage relationship, but she turned to rely on the "love" with her lover. When this so-called "love" was lost, she turned to rely on her own "family relationship". "Let a person accompany myself, because I can’t accept the lonely noise myself, the silent and huge noise generated by facing the blankness of myself makes me almost collapsed, and in order not to let myself collapse, let me Find someone and forget the real problem-this is a common escape method used by modern people.
Where is the gray garden?
It's not in East Hampton, nor in Messos' movies. It is in everyone's heart. When your heart is full, it is also full. When your heart is in ruins, it will also become ruins. Don't be afraid of the world, but always believe in it. The true fountain of power is always in your heart. As long as you believe it, it will never dry up.
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This article is the "Mood Movie" column of Camellia Camelia on WeChat public account. For reprinting, please contact Camellia Camelia.
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