I am T. I want to be pushed down by the girl. I was addicted to intimate relationships. I am obsessed with the dark side of girls.
When looking at Mae Martin, I felt seen.
My first love came from a divorced family. My 15-year-old crush has depression. My predecessor had both bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I never deliberately chose them because of a person's past, but somehow, they turned out that way. Maybe because the tension of that personality does not have to be hidden, it will faintly emerge. Maybe it's because I naturally like drama and excitement.
And all didn't end well.
Emotions are contagious. When I was sophomore in high school, I used to hate myself so much. When crying and smoking aerosolized caffeine, when running in heavy rain, I feel empty, lonely, and useless. Although I didn't really produce substance addiction, the days when I alternately took melatonin and caffeine in large doses to control sleep, I still feel scared when I think about it.
...And anxiety about intimacy. Whenever I feel bored, I want to find each other. As long as the other party does not respond, he will feel that his life has been drained, and that he is useless rubbish. Will be uneasy, will scratch your heart.
I called my psychology teacher during the summer vacation when I graduated from junior high school and told her that I was in love with a girl with depression, I wanted to help her, and I wanted to have sex with her. The teacher asked me to promise that we would have a relationship "where we can smell the sun", and then told me that I can't save anyone, and I can't be anyone's hero.
If I can't stand it, I must go. I must love myself first.
"Heart to Happiness" responds to many, many sub-themes related to life in the LGBT community: struggling self-identification, painful past, the tension caused by "coming out" on the relationship between partners, even when George described his ideals with joy. Mae's feelings when obsessed with male-type men are familiar to me and painful.
But the most important thing is that Mae exists both inside and outside the drama. She is also a conscious narrator of her own story. She fully accepts her past and knows the understanding and comfort that sharing it can bring to others. This is very remarkable.
I feel seen and responded. I am not alone, and this gives me confidence.
So.... Thank you for the existence of this drama. Thank you Mae for telling us her story.
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