Haruki Murakami-"The Silence"
I asked Osawa who he had fought during a fight in the past.
Osawa squinted at me as if looking at something dazzling.
"Why do you ask about this?" he said.
No matter how he looked at his eyes, he didn't look like his usual ones. There was something alive in it that radiated a sharp, thorny light. But that was limited to a moment, he quickly retracted the light and restored his usual gentle expression.
It's not too deep, I said. In fact, this question doesn't have any major implications. It is nothing more than a little curiosity that prompted me to ask this question which may be said to be redundant. I changed the subject immediately, but Daze didn't have much interest. It seemed that he was quietly meditating on something, enduring something, and confused. Reluctantly, I had no choice but to stare blankly at the silver jet airliners lined up outside the window.
Speaking of the reason I asked him this way, it was because he said that he had been going to the boxing gym since junior high school. I talked about the past unconsciously during the time I was chatting around waiting for the plane. He is thirty-one years old and still goes to the boxing gym once a day. During his college days, he participated in several competitions as a varsity team player and was also selected for the national team. I was a little surprised. Although he has done several things together in the past, he cannot tell from his personality that he is a person who has practiced boxing for nearly 20 years. He is gentle and gentle, doesn't like to be pushy, practical and patient in work, never doing things that are difficult for a strong man, and never stern and angry no matter how busy he is. I never heard him speak ill of others or complain. Generally speaking, one cannot help but make people feel good. The appearance is also very polite and generous, far from the type that takes the initiative to attack. It's hard to imagine that such a gentleman would be linked with boxing somewhere, so I asked him that.
We have coffee in the airport restaurant. Osawa is going to Niigata with me. It was early December, and the sky was as gloomy as if the cover was closed. It snowed in Niigata about early in the morning, and it seemed that the flight took off much later than the scheduled time. There were so many people in the waiting hall, the broadcast was continuously broadcasting news of delayed flights, and the faces of the trapped men and women appeared exhausted. The heating in the restaurant is a bit too hot, so I kept wiping my sweat with a handkerchief.
"Basically not even once." Daze was silent for a long time before suddenly speaking like this, "I have never beaten people since I started boxing. When I first started to learn boxing, I have been indoctrinated so many times: absolutely must not wear leather. Gloves hit people outside the boxing ring! Normal people hitting someone in the wrong place is naturally a bit troublesome, but for people engaged in boxing, it is not a general trouble, but it is equivalent to using a murder weapon."
I nodded.
"But to be honest, people still fight once, just once." Daze said, "When I was in the second grade of junior high school, I just learned boxing. It was not my defense. At that time, I didn't teach boxing skills at all. No teaching. At that time, I only practiced physical fitness projects in the boxing gym. Rope skipping, stretching gymnastics, running, etc., all these. Besides, it was not that I wanted to fight. I was just too angry at the time and didn't wait to think about it. He stretched out like he was being ejected, unable to control it. When he realized that he had hit the opponent, he was shaking with anger after the fight. "
The reason why Daze learns boxing is because his uncle runs a boxing house. It’s not a sloppy community boxing gym that can be found everywhere, but a first-class boxing gym that has established the proper rules for Asian champions. Parents asked him how he was going to the boxing gym to exercise. The two are worried that their son will always be bored reading in the room. Daze is not very interested in learning boxing, but he likes his uncle's way of life. He thinks he might as well give it a try. He really hates to give it up again-that is why he started boxing practice with this indifferent mood. However, during the months when he rode the tram for almost an hour to his uncle's boxing gym, this athletic event unexpectedly attracted him. The main reason that attracted him was that boxing was basically a silent sport, and it was extremely personal, and it was a brand new world he had never seen before. This world made his heart jump involuntarily. The scent of sweat splashing on the elderly men, the creaking and creaking sound when the fur bags in the museum touch each other, and people's concentration on the efficient use of muscle function-these are all but true. Captured his heart, going to the boxing gym on Saturday and Sunday became one of his few happy things.
"The other reason I like boxing is that it has a background, it’s the background that caught me, I think. In contrast, fighting and being beaten are really insignificant, but just the result. People have the time to win, but also There is a time of defeat. As long as you can understand its background, you will not be discouraged even if you lose. It is impossible for people to defeat everything. Sooner or later, you will always fail. The key is to understand its background. Boxing. This thing—at least for me—is such an act. Putting on leather gloves and standing on the boxing ring, I often feel like I am at the bottom of a deep hole. The hole is so deep that no one can see it, too. Without being seen by anyone, I just wrestled with the darkness there. I was lonely, but not sad." He said, "There are actually many types of loneliness. There are painful loneliness that can cut the nerves, and there are the opposite loneliness. In order to get it. I must cut off my own flesh and blood. But as long as I work hard, I will be rewarded accordingly. This is an experience I got from boxing."
Then Daze was silent for twenty seconds.
"I really don't want to mention this," he said. "If possible, I really want to forget it. But I can't forget, of course. You can never forget what you want to forget." He said, Daze Smiled and glanced at his watch. There is still more than enough time. So he spoke slowly.
Daze hit his classmate, whose surname was Aoki. Daze originally hated that kid, as for why he hated him, he himself didn't understand, anyway, he hated him from the first time he saw him. It's the first time in my life to hate a person so clearly.
"There are such things, right?" He said, "No matter who, no matter what kind of person, there will probably be such a thing once in his life, and I will hate someone for no reason. I think I don't hate others for no reason. Such a person, but there is that kind of object. There is no reason to say. And the problem is: under normal circumstances, the other person also has the same feelings for themselves.
"Aoki is very good at school, and basically got the first place in his grades. I went to a private school full of boys, but he was very popular. He was highly respected in the class and was favored by the teacher. Although his grades are good, but Never arrogant, reasonable, easy to make jokes, and somewhat brave... But I smelled the sleek and instinctive scheming behind him from time to time, and I couldn't bear it from the beginning. Tell me specifically how to respond. I can’t say anything about it, because I can’t give a specific example, I can only say that I understand it anyway. I instinctively can’t stand the self-interested and pretentious odor that evaporates from that kid, just like I can’t tolerate someone’s body odor physically. Aoki has a good head. so, the smell gave him skillfully eliminated, so the majority of the students thought he was good on the day Every time I hear that statement - of course I never talkative - I was just very unhappy
"in Aoki is the opposite of me in all senses. Generally speaking, I am very taciturn and unobtrusive in the class. On the one hand, I don’t like to be pushy, and on the other hand, it’s not too painful to be alone. Of course, I also have a few companions who can be said to be friends, but the contacts are not very deep. In a sense, I am a precocious person. Compared to socializing with classmates, I prefer to read books alone, listen to my father's Western classical music records, or go to the boxing gym to listen to seniors' speeches. You have seen it too, even my looks are not very conspicuous. Although the grades are not bad, they are not particularly good. The teacher often can't remember my name. It's just such a type. Therefore, I also try not to show myself up as much as possible. I didn't talk to anyone about going to the gymnasium, and I didn't talk about the music that I read or listened to.
"In contrast, the boy Aoki is as eye-catching as a white swan in the quagmire. In short, his head is good. I admit that. The brain turns fast, the other party needs and thinks, and he knows everything in a blink of an eye, and he is quite clever. Change strategies. So everyone is convinced of Aoki, saying that he is very smart. But I don’t admire. In my opinion, Aoki is too shallow. Even think, if you say that there is something good in the head, it is not good. It’s okay to make it. Yes, his head is as sharp as a razor. The problem is that the kid doesn’t care about himself, he has nothing to tell others, nothing at all. As long as he can get everyone’s recognition, he will be satisfied, and he will do this for himself. Intelligent and self-satisfied. It's nothing more than spinning around in the direction of the wind, but no one can see this. I am probably the only one who sees this.
"I guess Aoki could vaguely perceive my mind. After all, I have a good instinct. I might feel something that makes him tremble in me. I'm not a fool. People are nothing great, but they are not fools. If I didn’t boast, I already had my own world at that time. I’m still young, even if I deliberately hide it, I’m afraid it’s inevitable to show off, and I don’t put others in the eyes. I think it’s similar The speechless conceit stimulated Aoki.
"One day, I won the first place in the final English exam. It was the first time for me to get the first place in the exam. Not by accident. At that time, I had something that I wanted to get anyway—something I can’t remember—if I got the first place in the exam, I could ask my parents to buy it. So I made up my mind, no matter how I want to be the first in English, I will work hard from start to finish. Even the corners and corners of the exam are not missed, and verb changes are memorized whenever I have time. A textbook is so familiar that I can memorize almost all of it. So, it’s not surprising that I almost got the first place with full marks, of course.
"But everyone was very surprised, and the teacher looked surprised. Aoki seemed to be hit hard because of this, because Aoki always ranked first in English exams. The teacher half-jokingly snatched Aoki's words when sending out the answer sheet, and Aoki was full of expressions. I must feel that I became a joke. I can’t remember what the teacher said. Unexpectedly, after a few days, someone told me that Aoki was spreading rumors against me, saying that I cheated on the exam, otherwise I can’t think of other reasons to be the first . I heard it from a few classmates, and it made me angry. I would have laughed at it, but after all I was a junior high school student, and was not so calm. So, I took Aoki to a quiet place during a lunch break. In a human place, tell him what he heard, and ask him what is going on. Aoki pretends not to know about it.'Hey, don't be so troublesome, okay? It's inexplicable!' He said,'I can't do it to you. Make irresponsible remarks. Even if you make the first place by mistake, don’t get too proud of yourself!' He actually said such things and nudged me to leave. He must be confident that his head is taller than me. I am stronger than I am. That's when I reflexively beat him. When I recovered, I had already hit his mouth with a straight punch. Aoki fell staggeringly, accidentally hitting his head. There was a loud'boom' on the wall. He also had a nosebleed and dripped on the front of the white shirt. He sat motionless and looked at me with a blank stare, probably shocked. , I don’t know what happened.
"The moment I touched his cheekbone with my fist, I regretted hitting him, knowing that it would be useless to hit him. I was still shaking with anger, but I was soberly aware that I had done something stupid. I wanted to apologize to Aoki, but did not apologize. As long as the other party is not Aoki, I think I will apologize on the spot, but I don't have that thought for this kid Aoki anyway. Although I regretted beating Aoki, I definitely don't think I have done anything to apologize to Aoki. This kind of guy should be beaten, it is a pest, who should be trampled to death. But as I should not beat him. This is plain truth. The problem is that it is too late, I have already hit the other side. I left Aoki hanging there.
"Aoki didn't go to class in the afternoon, so I must have gone straight home. The unpleasantness lingered in my heart, I couldn't settle for anything, listen to music or read a book, I couldn't be happy. There was something heavy in my stomach. The pressure on the bottom made me unable to concentrate at all. It felt like swallowing a disgusting worm. I lay on the bed and stared at my fist, thinking how lonely I am! Aoki Nayuu who was in such a mood gnashes his teeth with hatred."
"Aoki has been ignoring me from the next day, as if I didn't exist at all. I still got the first place in the exam. And I never again. I don’t have the mood to spend the energy to deal with the exam, and I feel that it doesn’t matter to me. In this way, I can only study in moderation. As long as I don’t repeat the grade, I just do what I like. I insist on going to my uncle’s boxing gym and practice very well. Attention. As a result, as a junior high school student, my arms are quite impressive. I can feel that my body is changing rapidly. The shoulders are widening, the chest is thickening, the arms are strong, the cheeks are tight, and I think that I will grow longer. Adults, this excites me. Every night I stand naked in front of the big mirror in the bathroom. At that time, I just look at my physique. "At the end of the school year, I and Aoki were in two Ban, was able to breathe a sigh of relief. Just not meeting him in the classroom every day is enough to make me happy, and I think Aoki is the same. I thought that unpleasant memories would go away, but things are not that simple. Aoki is always preparing for revenge. People with strong self-esteem tend to have a strong sense of revenge, and Aoki is no exception. It is impossible to easily forget the insults they have suffered. He quietly watched the decisive fighter that tripped me to the ground.
"I went to the same high school with Aoki. It is a private school that combines middle and high schools. There are changing classes every year, Aoki has been in other classes, but in the end he finally got into the same class as him in the third year of high school, every time in the classroom and his heart is awkward to fight face to face death. then his eyes so I could not understand it. and after his vision, something previously felt heavy again return to the stomach. An ominous premonition. "
Speaking Here, Daze closed his mouth and stared at the coffee cup in front of him, before raising his head for a long time, a slight smile appeared on my face to look at my face. The roar of the jetliner came from outside the window. The Boeing 737 plunged straight into the clouds like a wedge, without a trace. Daze continues below.
"The first semester passed calmly. Aoki is the same as before. He has hardly changed since the second grade. Someone who neither grows nor retreats, but does the same thing in the same way. Aoki's grades remain the same. Ranked among the best and popular. This kid has cleverly mastered the knack of dealing with people since he was a teenager, and it is estimated that he is also living in the same mode. In short, we try not to face each other directly. It is really not the taste of people in the classroom who have such awkward relationships. But there is no way, let alone I also have a part of the responsibility.
"Soon, the summer vacation came. As a high school student, it was the last summer vacation. I finally achieved not too bad grades. As long as I'm not particularly picky, I can still get into colleges, so I didn't work hard to prepare for the exam, just Roughly do the school’s daily preview and review. This is enough, and the parents are nothing too long. I go to the boxing gym on Saturdays and Sundays to practice, and the rest of the time I read my favorite books or listen to music. But everyone is so nervous that their faces are blue. . Our classroom is a so-called test-oriented school with a consistent system for junior and senior high schools. Which university has a few people admitted to it, and which university has the highest number of people who are admitted to the university-the teacher just keeps his eyes on the one with the joys and the worries. When the students were in the third grade, their entire heads were hot and the air in the classroom was quite tense. I didn’t like a place like school, I didn’t like it as soon as I enrolled, and I didn’t like it for six years until the end. A heart-to-heart friend. Speaking of people who dealt with decently in high school, they all met in the boxing gym. Although most of them are older than me and most have jobs, they are very happy to socialize with them. Where can I drink after boxing? Beer, talk about the world. They are very different from the guys in my class, and they speak completely different from what they usually say in the class, but I am much more relaxed with them and learned a lot of precious things. If I don’t practice boxing, no Going to my uncle’s boxing gym, I don’t know how lonely I will be. I shudder when I think about it.
"One thing happened in the middle of the summer vacation: a man in the class committed suicide, a boy named Matsumoto. The man Matsumoto is not very noticeable, or it is better to say that he never made an impression. When he heard the news of his death, he could hardly remember what he looked like. Even though I was in the same class, I only talked to him two or three times at most. What I remember was that he was tall and slender, and his face was not very good-looking. He died just before August 15th. The funeral and the anniversary of the end of the war rushed together, I remember this very clearly. It was incredibly hot that day. Called home to inform him of his death and told me to attend the funeral because the whole class attended. He jumped into the subway and died. The reason is not clear. There was something like a suicide note left, but only one sentence was written on it: I don't want to go to school anymore. As for why I didn’t want to go to school, I didn’t mention the specific reasons, at least I heard that. Needless to say, the school’s nerves were tense. After the funeral, all the students gathered at the school. The principal spoke in front of everyone-mourning the death of Matsumoto-kun. We must bear the weight of his death firmly. Life has to go beyond grief and be more hardworking...It's nothing more than this kind of cliché.
"Further down, only our class is concentrated in the classroom. The dean and the head teacher said in front: If Matsumoto committed suicide for any exact reason, we must strictly investigate it, so if someone in the class is aware of the cause of his death , I hope to tell the truth. Everyone was silent, no one said a word.
"I don't care much about this. The death of a classmate made me feel unbearable, there is no need to die so miserably. Do you hate school not coming! In half a year, if you hate it or not, you have to leave school, so why bother to die? It's hard for me to understand. It must be caused by neurasthenia. All day long, except for exams, there is nothing fuss about even if one or two people have a brain failure.
"Unexpectedly, after the summer vacation and the beginning of class, I noticed that there was a kind of wonderful air in the class. Everyone seemed strange to me. When I talked to people around me, the answers were cold and cold. At first I thought I might be nervous, or everyone. I became nervous on the whole and didn't mind that much. But about the fifth or sixth day of school, I was suddenly called by my teacher and asked me to stay after school to go to the faculty room. The head teacher said he heard that I was going to the boxing gym and asked Is it true? I said yes. It doesn’t violate school rules or anything. I asked when I started to go, and I said it started in the second year of junior high. The teacher asked when I hit Aoki in junior high school, but it was true, and I said yes. Really. Because that can’t be a lie. The teacher asked whether it was before or after boxing started, and I said it was after. I explained that I didn’t teach anything at that time, and even leather gloves were not allowed to be worn for the first three months. But the teacher I couldn't hear it at all, and asked me if I had beaten Matsumoto. I was shocked. As I said earlier, Matsumoto and I hardly said anything. I said where I would beat him, why should I beat him.
"Teacher . " He lowered his face and said: Matsumoto was always beaten at school, and often went home with blue and purple on his face and body. His mother said so. I was beaten by someone at school and in this school, and someone took my pocket money away. But Matsumoto didn't tell his mother his name. He was probably worried that he would be beaten harder in that way, so he couldn't figure out suicide for a while. Poor, I can't discuss it with anyone. The fight was quite serious, and we are investigating who beat Matsumoto. If there is anything you can think of, just tell it bluntly, then the matter can be resolved safely. Otherwise, the police will intervene in the investigation, do you understand this?
"I see, it was Aoki who got in. Aoki made an article about Matsumoto's death very cleverly. I don't think he lied. Where did he find out about my going to the boxing gym. I didn't tell anyone about it. , I can’t guess how he knew it, anyway, he did, and he found out who Matsumoto was beaten before his death. It’s easy to go down, one plus one is enough, go to the teacher and say I’m going to the boxing gym. Just say that you have beaten yourself. Of course, you can add fuel and jealousy. Because of the serious threat, I still dare not mention the beating to anyone, and the blood is messed up... I think he said this kind of thing. But he wouldn’t lie so clumsy as he would show his feet immediately after the incident, because he was extremely cautious. He cleverly painted simple facts, and finally created an atmosphere that no one can deny—I know his very well. This trick.
"The teacher seems to believe that I am suspicious. They think that the people who go to the boxing gym are more or less bad, and I am not the kind of student that the teacher favors. I was called by the police three days later. Needless to say, this was a blow to me, because the matter was unfounded, unfounded, but nothing more than rumors. No one would believe me anymore, and I was very sad and very upset about this. The police asked briefly. I said that I had barely spoken to Matsumoto. Four years ago, I had beaten Aoki, but it was a needless quarrel that can be seen everywhere, and it didn't cause any problems, that's all. The police officer in charge of the questioning said that he heard that I had beaten Matsumoto, and I said it was a lie. The police are completely helpless, after all, there is no evidence, just rumors.
"Unexpectedly, the fact that I was called by the police was immediately spread in the school. It was supposed to be kept secret, and it was leaked out from nowhere.
In short, everyone saw that my vision seemed to have changed decisively, and they all thought that since I was called by the police. , Then it should be quite well-founded. Looking at the situation, no one does not believe that I beat Matsumoto.
"As for what Aoki said to everyone in a serious way, and what kind of public opinion he created in the class, I don't know. As I don't want to know. But it must be no trivial matter. No one in the class talks to me anyway. It's like having an appointment before—in fact, it may be agreed somewhere—no one speaks to me. Even if there is something that must be said, no one responds to the initiative, and the few people who were good before did not approach me. Everyone. They all avoided me like avoiding infectious disease patients, planning to completely ignore the existence of me.
"Not only the classmates, but the teachers also try to meet with me as different as possible. They also named me when they called me, but that was all, they never asked me to answer questions by name. The most annoying thing is the time of physical education class. In fact, I was excluded from any competition, no one was willing to partner with me, and the teacher did not want to help me once. I go to school silently, go to class silently, and go home silently, day after day. It is indeed a painful day. After two or three weeks, I gradually lost my appetite, my weight was also losing, and I couldn't sleep at night. As soon as I lay down, my chest was pounding, all kinds of images came to my mind, and I couldn't sleep at all. When I woke up, my head was dizzy, and there was no difference between waking up or not.
"At the same time, boxing practice stopped from time to time. My parents worriedly asked me what happened. I didn't say anything, just said nothing, just a little tired, because even if they say one by one, they can do nothing. In this way, parents until In the end, I don’t know what happened to me at school. Moreover, my parents both have jobs and don’t have time to take care of their children
. Nothing can be done, just looking at the ceiling and thinking about it. I imagined many scenes. The most imagined is beating Aoki. Taking advantage of the opportunity of Aoki alone, he beat him from left to right, calling him a scum, and beating him happily. Either the other party wailed grief and cried and begged for mercy, anyway, it was hitting, hitting, hitting, and hitting his face with flesh and blood. Unexpectedly, his mood slowly became unhappy. It was okay at the beginning, thinking that he deserved it, and exasperated, but then gradually became unhappy. Despite this, I can't help but imagine the scene of beating Aoki. As soon as he looked at the ceiling, Aoki's face naturally floated there, and when he realized he had already beaten him, but once he was beaten, he couldn't stop. In such a imaginary time, I was so bad that I actually vomited once. I don't know how to do it at all.
"I envision standing in front of everyone to show that I did not do anything wrong. If anyone says I did something worthy of the crime, please show me the evidence. If there is no evidence, please don't punish me like that. But I have a hunch, I think even Having said that, no one would trust themselves. And to be honest, I didn’t even bother to clarify the facts one by one to those guys who believed Aoki's words. But I don't want to
fight on the same stage with people like Aoki. "And in this way, there is no good way. You can neither beat Aoki to punish Aoki, nor persuade everyone. All I can do is to endure silently. There is still half a year. Graduated in half a year. After graduation, I don’t have to meet anyone again. It’s only half a year, just try to endure silence. But I also lack confidence. I don't know if I can survive for six months, or even if I can survive the next month. When I got home, I used a velvet pen to paint the calendar dark every day-today is finally over, and today is finally over. I was almost crushed and squeezed. If I didn't run into the same carriage as Aoki that morning, I would really be crushed and squeezed. In retrospect, things are very clear: my nerves were squeezed to that dangerous point.
"I finally got up from the hellish situation. It was a month later that I met Aoki on the electric train to school by accident. The carriages were still full, too crowded to move. A little earlier I saw Aoki's face. . After two or three people, I saw him from the shoulders of others. He and I were looking at each other. He also noticed me. We looked at each other for a while. My face must have been very ugly at the time-I couldn't sleep. I feel good, I almost broke down, so at the beginning Aoki looked at me with a sneer, as if he was saying something. I know all this is a ghost of Aoki, and Aoki knows that I know. We are dead. I stared at each other for a long time. But when I looked at his eyes, I gradually developed an incredible mood. It was an emotion I had never felt. Of course I was annoyed with Aoki, and sometimes I was angry. I can't wait to kill him. However, what I felt in the full train at that time was not so much anger and hatred, but rather a feeling of sorrow and pity. Is it possible for people to be proud of such a thing and show off victory? Is this kid really satisfied and unhappy because of such a thing-thinking of this, I can't help but feel a deep sadness. I think this kid will never experience true joy and true glory, I am afraid he will die. I can't feel the quiet tremor that surges from the depths of my heart. Some people are hopelessly lacking the foundation, not that I have the foundation. What I want to say is that I don’t have the foundation of understanding. the ability to exist. but they do not have even this, it is empty and escape everyday life, even if on the surface and then striking again show off the victory, the inside is empty.
"while I wanted to say, while quietly Stared at his face. I don't want to beat Aoki anymore. I don't care about him anymore. It really doesn't matter. I am a little surprised at this. I made up my mind to endure the silence for another five months, and I can bear it completely. I still have pride left. You can't let someone like Aoki get off the horse so easily—I think so clearly.
"I started to look at Aoki with this look. I looked at each other for quite a long time. It is estimated that as Aoki, we also think that removing our eyes is a surrender. None of us removed our eyes until the car entered the next stop. But in the end, Aoki's eyes trembled. Although it is very small, I can see clearly in my eyes. I have been practicing boxing for a long time, and I am naturally sensitive to the eyes of the opponent. It is the eyes of a boxer whose feet have not moved. I thought it was moving, but I didn’t. I thought it was moving. , But the foot has stopped in place. Once the foot has stopped, the shoulders will not move well, and the fists will also lose strength-this is the look. The other party may already feel that something is wrong with him, but what is going on
But I do n't know why . "I used this as a starting point to regain strength. Sleeping at night, eating well, boxing practice is no shortage again. Can't run away. It's not that you want to defeat Aoki, but you can't flee in front of life itself, and you can't be crushed by things you despise and disdain. I just endured it for five months without talking to anyone. I’m right, everyone is wrong—I tell myself. Go to school with your chest tall and go home with your chest tall every day. After coming out of high school, I went to a university in Kyushu, because I wanted to go to Kyushu so that I wouldn’t meet my acquaintances from high school. "After
all this, Daze sighed long. He asked me what about another cup of coffee, but I declined. I have already drunk three cups of coffee.
"With this unforgettable experience, human beings have to change no matter what." He said, "The good things have changed in the past, but the bad things have changed. In terms of good things, that thing has made me become Compared with the taste of half a year, the difficulties experienced afterwards are simply not difficult. As long as compared with that time, the ordinary pain and hardship can cope with the pain and the pain suffered by the people around them. And suffering is also more sensitive than ordinary people. This is an advantage. By acquiring this advantageous trait, I have been able to make some really good friends since then. Of course, there are also disadvantages-since then I can no longer I believe in a person through and through. It’s not that I don’t trust people. I have a wife and children. We have built a family and we protect each other. We can’t do it without trust. But I think, even if life is so calm now, what happens if something happens. 、Once something extremely malicious appears, it can still fall apart. Sure enough, even if there is a happy family with relatives and friends by my side, it is impossible to predict how it will develop. Maybe it will happen again suddenly. No one believes what I say or what you say. This kind of thing happened suddenly, suddenly. I often think like this. Six months have passed since the last thing, but the next time the same thing happens, no one knows. How long it will last, how long I can stand it, and I have no confidence. Thinking of this, I am often too scared, dreaming in the middle of the night or even jumping up, or it is better to say that from time to time. I wake up every time. Wife, threw herself on her and wept, sometimes for more than an hour. She was terribly scared, terribly scared." He stopped, staring at the clouds outside the window. The cloud never moved. Whether it’s a control tower, an airplane, a transportation vehicle, a gangway, or a person in overalls, all colors are sucked into the deep cloud shadow.
"I'm not afraid of people like Aoki. There are people like Aoki. I have already figured it out. Whenever I meet such a person, I will avoid being associated with them anyway. Anyway, I just run away. It’s not that difficult. That kind of person can be seen at a glance. At the same time, I also think that Aoki is still quite a bit, the ability to look for opportunities, the ability to accurately capture opportunities, the ability to grasp and inspire people's hearts just right- This kind of ability is not something that anyone has. Of course I hate it, but I admit that it is a kind of ability.
"But what I am really afraid of is those who uncritically accept and fully believe in the statements of Aoki and others. It is the drumbeat of easy-to-acceptable opinions that follow others' sounds without making or understanding. People who dance collectively. They don’t even think about it at all—even a flash of thought—whether they’re doing something wrong. They don’t even think that they might hurt someone needlessly and fatally, regardless of the consequences of their actions. Take no responsibility. Those who are really terrible are these people. I dreamt of these people in the middle of the night. I can only be silent in the dream. People who appear in the dream do not have a face. Silence penetrates everything quickly like cold water, and everything is silent again. The medium melted into a squishy pool. I melted there too, and no one heard how to shout." As he
said, Daze shook his head. That concludes the story. Daze clasped his hands on the table and was silent.
"It's still early, why don't you drink some beer?" He said after a while. I said all right. I really want to drink beer.
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