The first time I really had an ideal was in middle school. I was asked to write a scene in a composition class, but I imagined a smoky island on the sea. I lived on the island as carefree as a fairy or a Taoist priest, watching the sun out of sunset. This kind of escaping negativity was naturally criticized by teachers and parents because it did not conform to the mainstream direction of spiritual civilization construction, but since then, the island I sketched has become a holy place that I have been persistently guarding in my heart.
I often feel that the primary meaning of life is happiness and freedom. Compared with this, material things are only one of the many ways to achieve it. I never deny material desires, but I have never regarded it as more important than spiritual enjoyment. Since the rebellion period in middle school, two worlds have been completely separated from my heart. One is the so-called successful life that everyone in the secular world admires, and the other is the spiritual paradise that I pursue.
In the beginning, protecting my own happiness completely contradicted the self-struggle path designated by my family, but I was always a good child and could only silently fight against the illusions I created in my heart. In this way, I listened to heavy music and wrote all kinds of rebellious words, and was admitted to a fairly good university. I chose a major that had nothing to do with my family, thinking that I could get away from their world.
When I was in college, I had been working hard to prepare to study abroad, because at that time, the American Empire in my impression was a world that was slightly closer to my ideal country. It was clean without too many impurities and represented freedom. Coincidentally, going abroad is also my family's expectation for me. The two reasons together gave me more reasons to struggle. After graduating from my undergraduate degree, I naturally embarked on the road of studying abroad.
In a foreign country, I thought about happiness. Can a person who lives in rebellion against his family achieve happiness? I told myself no, after all, family love is a relationship that lasts a lifetime, so in order to be happy, we should compromise like family members, at least superficially follow their wishes and make them satisfied. Sometimes I chat with my family and say things that make them happy, and the family feels that I am mature now and can put them at ease. But I was still a child at heart, the idealist defending my island.
At this time, I came to a turning point in my life. The growing confusion about the future and the deepening of self-awareness made me restless. The encounter with love made me think about breaking away from my family for the first time and achieving ideological independence. Spiritual independence must depend on material independence. The next thing to consider is how to work hard and give up temporary spiritual enjoyment for material things. When I was writing this paragraph, I even felt that the world I hated was emitting a scorching heat not far away, and every word I typed was a kind of torture in my heart. But I suddenly had the courage and determination to endure humiliation, because through the filthy mist, I seemed to see that the paradise I once dreamed of was not far away.
Now I step on this piece of land that is no longer as clean as I thought it would be, and I find that the two worlds that used to be clearly separated have slowly mixed in my consciousness, gradually blurring and indistinguishable. Like a captain, I was about to return to my dream Davistown after all the hardships and dangers, only to find that I had unknowingly boarded a black cargo ship.
I've heard the saying "adapt first and then change" more than once, but people are always used to being comfortable. After they get used to it, how many people can still remember the original intention of the change? "We've become exactly what we were fighting against when we were twenty." That's probably the fate of everyone. One day, we who have been obsessed with guarding will give up Davistown and embark on a black cargo ship, or there is no clear line between the two.
View more about Tales of the Black Freighter reviews
