afternoon love

Excerpts from the monologue:

On the train, I like to read books more than newspapers, not just because the books are light, but because the newspaper is not enough to attract me, and most importantly, it does not take me out of the space in front of me. Traveling allows me to read without interruptions, I like to see the end in one go, and I like to read at home at night, but that's another story, I like to read several books at the same time, but at different times and places. Every reading takes me away from the time and space where I am now, but I cannot read alone in an empty room, I need a real environment to accompany me. When I was a student, I couldn't stay in my room after dinner, except I had to study. Now Helene and I rarely go out. ...Why choose her among the many beauties who adore me? Is it because of her beauty that impresses me? I am no longer sure. Now, when I see a woman I can no longer easily tell whether she is desirable or undesirable, I can't be sure of my own taste, and I can't remember the criteria on which I base my judgment, what a woman must have to be attractive And me? Make me fall in love at first sight? After I got married, I found all women fascinating, and in their most mundane roles I gave them a sense of mystery that I used to reject almost entirely, and I became curious about their lives, even when they Didn't teach me anything new. What if I had met this young woman three years ago? Can she get my attention? Will I fall in love with her and want to have a baby with her? I love the city, the suburbs and the country to my dismay, even when crowded and noisy, I never tire of jumping into the crowd, I love the crowd like I love the sea, not to be swallowed or lost in it, but to be like a lone pirate Swimming here, content to be carried away by the tide, and yet swimming on my own when it parted or dissipated, like the ocean, the crowd refreshed my wandering mind. Almost all of my ideas come from the streets, even work-related ones.

...

If there's one thing I can't do right now, it's seducing a girl, I don't know what to say, I can't find a reason to talk to her, what can I say to her for what I want from her? But I feel like marriage is surrounding me, taking my rights away, and I want to escape. The desire for quiet pleasure, stretched endlessly in front of me, frustrates me. I find myself missing that time, not too long ago, when I was also going through the agony of anticipation, I dreamed of a life that consisted only of first love and last love...I know it was the moon in the water, I Don't envy others, when I see lovers, I think about them and their future more than myself and my past, so I love cities, people appear and disappear, you can't see them getting old. What makes the streets of Paris so enchanting is the frequent and fleeting appearance of women, whom I will almost certainly never see again, their presence is enough, the indifference, the confidence in their charm, the willingness to test them on me It works the same way I test my effect on them with a small smile, or a casual glance, and I feel like their seductive power doesn't succumb to it. It didn't alienate me from Helene, not at all, I said to myself, these passing beauties are just an extension of my wife's beauty, they enriched her beauty and got some of her beauty, she is the proof of beauty, and vice versa The same is true. When I hug Helene, I hug all women. But I also feel like my life is passing and other people's lives are unfolding, parallel to mine, and it's preventing me from being a part of it and having these women rushing to do unknown jobs or enjoy the unknown The joys stopped on the way, I dreamed that I actually had them all. Recently, in my spare time, I have been delighted by the growing clarity and specificity of a daydream, a naive daydream, perhaps inspired by something I saw when I was 10, I think I own a wearable A device on the neck, it emits a sensual fluid that can destroy the free will of others, I dream of using it on a woman passing by a cafe, indifferent, hurried, hesitant, busy, accompanied, lonely ...