Growing up is an escape.
This is the title Wang Yi wrote in one of his film reviews. I watched "I Am David," which he recommended, at the right time, because I'm struggling like this too. I never felt that I was bound and controlled, until one day the new life in me started to activate, a force from above awakened me, and then I found that I had been stuck in the stage of passive beating, That is the tearing of spirit and flesh.
After World War II, in the concentration camps in Bulgaria, David's life has only just begun, but this shadow has shrouded his life for a long time. There was murder, cruelty, all kinds of cruelty, but no one wanted to escape. After a long time, everyone started to feel numb. Until one day, David's friend said to him: "As long as you live there is hope, but if you die, there is nothing left." So David decided to run away.
This decision bears a striking resemblance to the life I have experienced. For too long, I was drawn by a hope that made me always feel that I am alive for that goal, which is high, far away, and out of reach. Then for a long time, I was immersed in this kind of hope for the future and disappointment in the reality, turning around, sighing, and looking forward to it... Finally, one day, I found that this kind of reverie was always just an illusion. If I don't get up and move, I will always live in the vision. It's not that what was hoped for can't be fulfilled, it's just that I've been stuck in place for so long that I'm starting to doubt its veracity. When David began to flee that night, my heart fluttered.
After that, David fled without stopping under the dark night, secretly, nervously, and impatiently running in one direction, his destination is Denmark, which is far away in northern Europe. Before leaving, someone handed him an envelope and told him to proceed exactly as instructed, sending the letter to Denmark, without opening it or trusting anyone along the way. So David hit the road. He is not young, only twelve years old, so he has a rare vitality, which can be seen from the speed of his running, but there is not the slightest trace of this on his face and his heart. A nervous, melancholy, serious expression accompanied him all the way. In the wilderness, in the jungle, on a cruise ship... David sought hidden places to hide himself, and moved quietly when no one noticed. Finally, he traveled across the ocean to Italy, and stopped in front of a bakery.
This is when I wake up nibbling on a pancake. So I said, too tired. This kind of fatigue not only comes from the body, but also from the burnout in the heart. This started when I decided to change myself and start to be positive about life. There are two forces in me, one pulling upwards and the other pulling downwards, and often at the very beginning, the pulling force is extraordinarily powerful, so that I often sprint after a short sprint. After lying on the ground for several days, I even felt that I had returned to the starting point, as if I had never run so hard. After a few times, I began to suspect that it was an impulsive decision, and I might as well stay where I am and feel comfortable, but in reality, I was just tired.
One day when I was doing spiritual practice, I saw Pastor Zhong Martin write in "Spiritual Low": "When you feel tired, you might as well be quiet and introspective, either you are too tired, or you are relying on his own strength to go. It's like a little child running out of the room with joy, jumping and jumping all the way, behind him is a mother who walks slowly but steadily. One will feel that this little child has a lot of energy , it's really good. But more mature people will understand that only mothers can go further." As if seeing my own shadow, I began to calm down, and then I no longer doubted my original decision to take the initiative to run, and Not passive chasing. But I know that I am too tired to run on my own.
So, David was standing in front of the bakery, he swallowed, and that hungry look was exactly what I had. Just as I need to go back to God and take His word quietly, David needs to sit quietly, enjoy a delicious meal, and fill his stomach. However, he just had a few words with the boss when he saw a soldier come in. So he ran again, ignoring the boss shouting behind him: "You have to believe me!" He didn't even bother to look at the bread, and ran into a grove again, starving. I think when I didn't realize I was hungry, or, like David, wasn't too hungry to run, I was so isolated, I continued to feed on my hope, and moved on. David kept thinking about the journey to Denmark in the woods, and kept inspiring himself with the mission of his "Messenger". Then he hit the road again.
Probably my nervousness and fear are the same as David’s. On this journey, although there are wonderful scenery, kind people, and delicious food, David is always in a tight spot. In a stretched state, it cannot be released. He can go out of his way to save people he doesn't know in the fire, he can escape a parade fight with tact and courage, and he can move on firmly towards Denmark...but wait, something still seems to be missing. Along the way, the background music is dark, tense and never soothing. As David frowned. Even if he was able to rest for a while, it seemed so hasty and fleeting. His tight heart was a little released and relaxed, and then he returned to his vigilant mood again. When I looked at the sensitive, struggling, and uneasy look of this little boy, I also saw myself.
What does it mean to enjoy life? I have no idea. I just ran and ran, forgetting to look at the people around me, forgetting to appreciate the scenery around me, forgetting to integrate into this reality and experience the real life. I seem to know why I'm running, but not sure if it's the right way to run. In fact, none of the people David encountered were scary. It was just that he was too young, and he always felt that he couldn't identify it on his own. If there was any danger, he couldn't resist it, so he chose to avoid the crowd and find one by himself. The hard way to go. His attitude of preferring to stay away from crowds is the same as mine. I thought, he was too tired, just like me.
In the past two days, some friends who were familiar with me began to contact me. Then, I started chatting with them. I feel very trance, as if there is a feeling of returning to the world. Then I remembered a sentence: "You want to come down." Gan Xiaoer made a movie called "From the Dust", which made me excited and intoxicated for a long time, but now a voice inside said to me: " You have to come down.” This was a reluctant process, I thought running hard would be more upward, but the truth was that the fight went down and I had to come down first. Come down from my self-righteousness and pride, just like the Lord Jesus incarnated as a man. This is also a sensitive process, with self-stubbornness and overwhelmed restlessness. Like David, he wants to get into the crowd, but he doesn’t know how to contact them; he wants to believe, but he is afraid of being hurt.
This is this delicate David. When he finally came to Switzerland and met this old female painter, he finally exhausted his strength and energy, and only said "I am too tired, really tired", and then rushed to the female painter's In his arms, he burst into tears, followed by a long night's sleep, peaceful and quiet. His story, the persecution in the concentration camp, the process of escaping, the hardships along the way, until now, he said he was going to Denmark, but he didn't know why. However, he finally admitted that he was tired. The female painter took him to the church, and she said: "Don't be afraid, most people are not like the officers in the concentration camps, people are amiable." So when David met a general with a gun in the church, I thought he would turn around and run away, but this time, he just sighed lightly, then raised his head and said to the general, "Hi, hello." The seriousness on the other side's face instantly disappeared, and David's kindness was returned in return. smile.
David finally unburdened himself and found, as the woman painter said, that indeed people are not that scary, and in church the soft expressions on the faces of the singers surprised David, and it surprised me. Before the general approached him, David was as nervous as before, fearing that he would be taken back to the concentration camp by him, which was why he avoided the crowd along the way. Back to that horrible place. But even with such doubts, he made a brave decision this time, risking arrest by offering friendly greetings to the general. The result is naturally beyond his expectations, and also beyond my expectations. It turns out that all terrorist crises are woven and enjoyed by oneself. In the end, I let go of my judgments, suspicions, and feelings, and took the initiative to change, but I saw unexpected results.
This power of belief is what I feel most deeply in David. Because before changing, one has to be prepared to be in danger, which is often the biggest hurdle in my mind. Because behind all this visible, I always feel that it is the power of darkness, but I can never see the power of light. All the unease, awkwardness, and struggle came from my unbelief. After all, what exactly do I believe? Everyone has their own different answers, but I think the only thing that can make me identify is love. It has always been just love.
David no longer ran for the sake of running, but just when he was not running on his own, was willing to let go of himself and be kind to others, the female painter discovered the secret in the letter and knew the real reason for him to go to Denmark, which was to find him. 's biological mother. David mentioned to her the best-selling book that everyone owned. He had seen it many times along the way, but he had never picked it up and read it, and he had never asked anyone about it until he asked the female artist in the bookstore. It turned out to be his mother's masterpiece, and the content of this book is exactly how his mother described how to lose him and now find him. The ending came so quickly, it was a bit dizzying. But it's so simple, beyond anyone's imagination. When David told everything, it was also when he returned to his place and reached his destination. Although the journey is difficult, the end is so simple and an instant achievement.
I feel a little fooled and a little ironic, but I know that the object of ridicule is myself. Because David has won, but I'm still struggling. Although I know what's going on, it's hard to do, that is, to give myself completely and release in love. But there was such a silver lining for me to see that no matter how long I struggled, the moment when I was released was only a momentary thing, when I was exhausted.
In the afternoon, the sun is warm, and I walk on the street. Passing by a church, pushing the door and entering, I saw a few people sleeping on the benches. A friend who was traveling with me said, "Sleeping in the temple of God!" I blurted out, "Isn't this very good." Then, a surge of joy poured into my heart, the majestic cross in front of me no longer seemed solemn and alienated, In its place is tenderness, kindness, and boundless hope. Then, I suddenly understood a little bit, what is meant by enjoying life.
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