[Beep]
Maxie, it's Neil.
Don't forget the burgers, pal.
Corner of Olive and 18th.
It'll be ready at 7:30.
Yee-hah!
[Beep beep beep]
[Telephone rings]
[Ring]
[ Beep]
Hello. It's your mother.
Don't forget tomorrow
we visit Janey.
You'll pick me up
at the store at : .
Hello?
[Door closes]
Hello?
MAN: All right!
[Music playing]
Max!
Ha ha ha!
Max! Max is here!
White Palace burgers!
Hi. What are you drinking?
Soda.
It's a bachelor party.
I'm getting married.
Oh! Oh!
WOMAN: Hey, what about me?
I want one.
Aah!
Hey, Max, some of these boxes
are empty, man.
What?
Son of a bitch.
Look at this.
I got three... four of them.
How could they be empty?
What's that? Five ?
I got six, six empty boxes.
Shit. I should've
counted them. Sorry.
Come on.
It's a -cent burger.
I'm going back.
You want burgers or money?
- Are you crazy?
- What's he talking about?
What's the matter with you?
We're having a party!
We've been crapped on, Neil.
What is the trouble?
The trouble is you don't
give a damn about principle.
Are you kidding?
I'm a lawyer.
MAN: Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Excuse me.
- End of the line's over there.
- I'm not buying anything.
- Get in line, Fred.
Look inside the sack, please.
When it's your turn.
$ . .
I don't think
I need to get in line.
I already was in line.
I bought 50 burgers.
You only gave me 44
so I don't think
I have to wait.
- Is that so?
- That is so.
Look. Six empties.
I want my money back.
And how do I know you didn't
gobble up those burgers?
Because I don't gobble
and I don't lie.
You gave me six empty boxes.
I bought 50 burgers.
You gave me .
Do I get my money back
or go to the manager?
Smell the boxes. Here.
If there had been
White Palaces inside,
the boxes would stink,
wouldn't they?
Honey, my nose is so full
of White Palaces ,
I couldn't smell one
shoved in my face.
Yo, buddy, I'd like
to get my hamburgers.
Will you leave
Mr. Astaire alone?
He's trying to report
a robbery here.
Thank you.
Next.
Whoa!
Are you Jewish?
I'm just guessing.
Hey! It's Honest Abe!
I got the money back, Neil.
You'll need it for therapy.
You're a nutcase.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I introduce...
the future Mrs. Neil Horowitz?
Yay!
Ow!
Damn. She is fat.
She is always
going to be fat,
but she's
a very sweet woman.
Oh! Max, look.
It's you .
Hey, Max with the fiddle.
You were good, man.
You were good.
Max!
It's the fiddler.
Oh, Stravinsky.
What's next?
Who is that?
Is that Margie Brown?
NEIL: No. It's Janey.
Look how young she is.
When did you start going out
with her? Kindergarten?
Something like that. Yeah.
NEIL: She was beautiful.
Klugman, what else you got
back there, huh?
Larry.
Come on. Come on!
LARRY: It's stuck.
Give me a second.
Could somebody flip
the light switch?
NEIL: Max, have
another scotch, buddy.
Let's see.
Who wants another one?
You' re turning into the crazy
old woman from Dickens,
the one who sits around
in her wedding dress
cherishing
her fucking grief.
Havisham.
Yeah. That's who
you're turning into.
When's the last time
you had a date?
What if I told you ...
I wasn't interested
in getting laid right now?
Interest in getting laid
is the human condition,
for Christ's sakes, Max.
It's all around you.
Heidi Solomon.
Oh, please.
She salivates
over you every day.
Rita Fishman... she's gorgeous.
She would sleep...
If I choose
to be celibate,
that's not your business .
This isn't celibacy
we're talking about.
It's fucking necrophilia.
Good night, Neil.
- Great party.
- Yeah. Thanks. Thanks, Max.
You're feeling sorry
for yourself.
Makes me want to puke!
Blah- ha hah!
Whoa ho!
WOMAN: Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
WOMAN: Wait a minute.
Aah! Ha ha!
MAN SINGING:
What would it take
to make you mine?
Ivory towers of wine
A rugged movie star
that looks so fine?
You know they're really
hard to find
What would it take
to make you mine?
I'd stay home all the time
Give you everything that's mine
Even though I'm paying on time
What would it take
To make
You mine?
MAX: Chivas and a splash.
MAN SINGING:
...to make you mine?
A condo in a sunny clime
Compatible astrology signs
Or sitting round gettin' high?
What would it take
to make you mine?
Champagne breakfast at :
Pumped up all of the time
Or simply just sayin' that I'd
Like to make you mine
All mine
All mine?
Some coincidence, huh?
What?
I'll give you a hint, Fred.
I ain't exactly Ginger Rogers.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, huh?
Yeah.
Oh, no , what? Huh?
I don't know.
Just oh, no.
What are you doing
in a dump like this?
You looking for trouble?
I'm having a drink.
Cigarette?
No, thank you.
I know, I know .
Smoking will kill me.
That's right.
Mmm. Well, come on.
Lecture me.
I love it. Come on.
I don't lecture.
Fred, I bet
you everybody lecture.
Yeah? Not tonight.
Good. How about another drink?
Jimmy, vodka tonic and...
- I don't want another drink.
- Scotch for my new friend here.
- What's your name?
- I don't want another drink.
Come on.
Let me buy you a drink.
Let's pass a peace pipe.
Come on. Huh?
I'm buying.
- Thanks, Jimmy.
- No, no. I got...
- I'm paying for it.
- I don't want you to.
- I am buying you a drink.
- Here. For both of them.
Please. All right. OK.
Look at you.
You're so cute.
You're all tensed up
like a ticklish little kid.
Damn . You are beautiful.
Look at that face.
Jimmy, is this
a beautiful face?
Anybody ever tell you
you look like Tony Curtis?
- All the time.
- Ha ha!
Hmm...
I had a wonderful dream.
I was sorting your shells
and mixing your cocktails.
When I woke up, I wanted to
swim right back to you.
"Some Like It Hot."
Did you ever see it?
- It's not a tough question.
- No, no.
- Marilyn Monroe.
- Yeah, I saw that.
God, she's something. Mmm.
MAX: Yeah. She is.
You swim?
Do I swim?
Yeah. You look like you swim.
I mean, you're not
real muscular,
but you're strong,
am I right?
I think you're drunk.
Yeah. If I get any drunker,
I'll fall all over you.
So...
What's with the monkey suit?
You a chauffeur?
Oh, no.
I was at a bachelor party.
Yours?
No.
Did you have a naked girl?
MAX: A dozen of them.
You got a wife?
Uh-uh.
No, I don't.
You're not sure?
I don't have a wife.
But you did
have one, right?
Yeah, that's r... yeah.
That's correct.
She leave you?
Is that how come you're so sad?
I'm not sad.
You're feeling
sorry for yourself.
Do you mind if we
change the subject?
Hi, Tony.
Hi, Fred.
Come on.
Tell me your name.
Mine's Nora.
Max.
Oh, that's cute.
What's your zip code? Hmm?
What kind of soap does
your wife use?
Maybe you should take
your hand off my thigh.
My hand's not on your thigh .
Night.
Sorry about your lady
dumping you.
- She didn't exactly dump me.
- What did she do, then?
She died.
Died?
You mean died?
Yeah.
That's a new one.
How did she do that?
Car turned over.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, I'm s...
I'm sorry. I just...
I can't help it.
That's all right.
I don't know
why I'm laughing.
Your wife died.
Maybe nobody ever
died on you before.
No. Charlie died.
Charlie? What?
Is that your doggie?
No.
Charlie... my kid.
Your kid?
I know, I know. I know.
How'd he die?
Leukemia.
What can you do?
The world spins around.
I'm sorry.
It's over...
right?
Right.
Good night.
MAN SINGING:
This good-hearted woman
She loves her good -timin' man
Drive me home.
I'll fix you a cup of coffee.
Actually, I missed the bus.
I don't live too far from here.
Come on. You don't
want me to take a taxi.
- Don't smoke in the car, OK?
- Deal.
Put your seat belt on.
It's all right. Hold on.
You're a cautious little doggie.
[Operatic aria playing]
What's that?
That is the most beautiful music
in the world.
You got any Oak Ridge Boys?
No. I'm afraid not.
What are you?
Are you Italian or something?
I'm Jewish.
Jewish?
Ha!
Interesting people... Jews .
I was Catholic myself once,
but confession made me jumpy.
Ha!
I tried them all, but I never
did try to find Moses.
Tell you the truth,
I don't know very many Jews.
This guy tried to shove
Brigham Young on my ass once.
Go left at Clayton.
That's... well,
that's Dogtown.
That's what they call it.
Go left here.
Turn... turn left!
[Horn honks]
- You' re drunk.
- I'm all right.
No. You're drunk.
- OK. Turn again.
- Where?
Right here!
[Tires screech]
God!
Ha ha ha!
I love him.
That's a drunk
driving the drunk.
[Key-alert chimes]
I just can't...
ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Come on, beautiful.
Let me fix you some coffee.
You're too drunk to drive.
- I'm all right.
- No. Come on.
Come on.
Ha ha ha! Ohhh.
Don't slip on the Astroturf.
Ha ha ha!
NORA: Make yourself at home.
[Glass breaks]
MAX: What exactly is there
between you and Marilyn Monroe?
NORA: Oh, she's just
so fucked up and glamorous...
and losing and fighting
all the time, you know?
I seen all her movies
at least five times,
and also my name is Nora Baker,
and her real name
is Norma Jean Baker.
Get it?
How about that coffee?
How about it?
Could have sworn I had me
a full can of Maxwell House.
There's no coffee?
Why don't I fix you
a drink instead?
MAX: A drink?
No. I'm trying to get my ass
home in one piece.
If you can't drive,
you might as well drink, right?
How can you be out of coffee?
This couch opens up into a bed.
- I'm not staying here.
- I'll wake you up early.
No. I'm not going to sleep here.
What do you want to do?
You want to call a taxi
and come back in the morning?
Do you have a bathroom?
Hi.
I don't feel very well.
I think I might just
lie down for a moment.
Poor baby.
Janey.
You're so beautiful.
More?
Yes.
Say please.
Please.
[Buzzing]
NORA: Find anything interesting?
I hope you had a good time.
You needed it.
Will I see you again?
No.
NORA: For a minute there,
I really did think...
you were just going
to up and surprise me.
[Beep]
Hello, Max.
This is your mother.
[Tape fast forwards]
[Beep]
NEIL: Hey, partner,
sorry about the lecture.
I was way out of line.
Where the hell are you?
You didn't jump
off a bridge, did you?
Call me. I promise not to
make you screw anybody.
MAX: Ha ha ha!
[Beep]
Hello, Max.
It's Heidi Solomon.
I'm taking a chance here,
but, uh...
I've got an extra ticket
to the symphony tonight.
It's all Schumann,
and I'd love for you
to join me if you're free.
So why don' t you give me a call?
- . Bye-bye.
[Beep beep beep]
They're supposed
to pull the leaves off.
It's in the contract.
Don't you tell them?
No.
You have to scream at them,
or they don't
pull the leaves off.
What are you doing?
Mother, I'll tell them.
Go ahead.
Put the stone on.
[Mother crying]
Two years.
It seems like yesterday.
Please.
I'm going to go see Uncle Harry.
[Lmagines hearing Nora moaning
during sex]
NORA: See you!
It's over!
Hello.
Well, I'll be.
I never thought
I'd see you again.
I, uh.. . I came
to replace your mailbox.
I pro... I should have
called first. I'm sorry.
I don't want to bother you.
I just was...
I'm .
I'll be in December.
I'm .
NORA: Ha ha ha!
WOMAN SINGING:
Women peak at
And men at
I 'member laughing my head off
When I read that in a magazine
I was at the time
Now I'm starin'
Right in the face
And the only tough part of being
A woman my age
Is a man my age
That's why younger men are
Startin' to catch my eye
I'm startin'
to stop what I'm doin'
Just to turn around
and watch 'em walk by
At the very next opportunity
I'm gonna give
a younger man a try
Oh, 'cause younger men
Are startin' to catch my eye
MAN: It's a classical station.
[Woman gasps]
MAX: Oh. I'm sorry.
I' m sorry.
For Christ's sakes.
I'm sorry.
WOMAN SINGING:
Some of 'em drink too much
A whole lot of 'em are married
And, honey,here am I
On the threshold of all that fun
Oh, 'cause younger men
Are startin' to catch my eye
Yes, I said younger men
Are startin' to catch my eye
Why'd you shut the door?
When my best young workaholic
starts dragging himself in...
an hour late every morning,
minutes late
from lunch today,
I need to know what it means.
Though I love and cherish you...
as I do few members
of your loathsome sex...
My personal life
is my business.
Everyone around here
takes long lunch breaks.
Oh, Lord.
I'm getting so stupid
in my old age.
- Who is she?
- You wouldn't know her.
Don't be so sure.
It's a tiny world.
What's her name?
Marilyn Monroe.
Anything like Janey?
What if I don't answer that?
She's .
Out of where?
University of Wisconsin.
Full of pep,
clean as a whistle,
drives a white
Ford Mustang convertible ,
runs a tidy ship.
You got it.
Ain't life grand suddenly?
That's what I count on
in life... surprises.
Just when things seem
ordinary or downright hopeless,
along comes that unexpected
opportunity. Right?
Maybe.
What are you getting at?
I'm giving you
the Fidelity Savings account.
I'll be senior copywriter,
but you'll do the work.
- Do you want it?
- Of course I do.
One minute you're selling ham,
the next, you're pushing money.
But screw on your own time.
Fidelity Savings is big leagues.
What is it?
Tell me. Tell me.
Open it. Open it.
You brought me
cleaning equipment.
I didn't bring you Brillo.
It's a Dustbuster.
You bring me flowers
or Jell-O,
but don't bring me
cleaning equipment.
You're overreacting.
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
Yeah. You have Ring Dings
under your furniture.
I don't care what's
under my furniture.
This is where I live.
You don't like
my Ring Dings, tough shit.
All right, so if I bring you
perfumes and soap...
That's not the same.
You bring me that stuff
because you care about me.
Or something . You're bringing
this son of a bitch...
because you think
my house is dirty.
Your house IS dirty.
Look at how you keep it.
Look at your hallway.
Look at your kitchen.
You look at my kitchen.
Sometimes it isn't so easy
to look at your kitchen.
Well, try.
This is so...
Iook at all this shit.
Take this little
motherfucker home.
I don't want it here.
- Nora...
- Take it home!
I'm sorry.
I never had a man
fix me dinner before.
You make me feel beautiful.
You're so sweet.
We decided we were
going to go to Disneyland.
It's a safe date, you know?
So I see her...
MAX: Next Saturday night...
NORA: Yeah?
I told my mother I'd help her
with her finances.
I do it a couple times a year.
After she's finished work ,
I promised I'd pick her up.
That's a nice thing,
balancing the books.
I said I'd pick her up
after work.
I know. I heard you.
So, are you working
Saturday night?
Uh-huh.
You antsy or something?
No. I just don't feel
like watching TV.
- I don't make you watch TV.
- I never said you did.
- You seem to like it.
- Sometimes I do.
- Is something bothering you?
- No.
Suddenly you don't like TV.
I think we should have some
other subjects to talk about.
What's wrong with our subjects?
Nothing. I'm just saying
we should talk more...
instead of sitting around
watching TV all night.
- What would Janey talk about?
- It's not about Janey.
All right. If you want
to talk, let's talk.
Uh...
Marcia's fooling around
with Marvin.
He's the night manager.
I'm going to slug him
one of these days...
if he doesn't keep his
cottonpicking hands to himself.
- Is that what you mean?
- No, it's not what I mean.
Well, if you want to talk
about geography or the Greeks,
I don't know dick
about the Greeks.
What's up? You want out?
Out?
What are you talking about?
We're different, OK?
I'm sorry.
- Lf you want to go, go.
- I don't want to go.
I don't understand you.
You're acting strange.
- Maybe you should go home.
- I don't want to go home.
I'm sorry.
Will you stop being sorry
all the time?
I'm sorry that I'm sorry.
I just...
- What's bugging you anyway?
- You're the one that's antsy.
Something's bothering you.
That's how
this whole thing started.
My nails are wet.
My nails are all wet.
[Glass breaks]
Mazel tov!
- Saunter me over there.
- What are you talking about?
- I want to get them together.
- Who?
- Max and Rita.
- Max and Rita? I don't think so.
Let me try. Come on.
Saunter me over there.
This isn't sauntering.
This is pulling.
Max, there's somebody here
who's dying to meet you.
Rita Fishman.
She's single,
and she just caught my bouquet.
- I don't think so.
- Why not?
All these weeks
we've tried to find out...
where he's been hiding...
- Yeah?
- He's been seeing somebody.
- Why didn't you bring her?
- She was busy.
Spill the dirt.
She's a rich client, right?
We embarrass you, right?
When we get back
from St. Bart's,
we are having Thanksgiving.
You're coming, Max,
and you're bringing
your lady friend.
- Well, we'll see.
- Yes, you are.
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
Nora?
Nora?
Nora?
MAX: Nora?
What are you doing out there?
- Electricity's out.
- How come?
Because I didn't pay my bill.
Poor people are a hoot,
aren't they?
Why didn't you say something?
I could've written you a check.
Because I don't want
your charity.
I'm doing just fine.
What's the matter with you?
Why don't you take
that pretty bouquet...
and put it in some water?
OK.
NORA: Did you have a nice time
at the wedding?
MAX: Shit.
NORA: They turned it out
when I was at work,
so I had to sit in the dark
when I come home.
I'm afraid of the dark.
Maybe I forgot to tell you
how I'm afraid of the dark.
So I called information
and got your mother's number.
And surprise.
I told her I was a friend
of yours... in the dark.
Didn't even get to watch
"Some Like It Hot " on TV.
Your mom says she likes Marilyn,
but she thinks she was murdered.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you're always sorry.
So... who'd you bring
to this shindig?
Some fresh young thing
with a tight little ass...
and a college education?
No.
Bet you I got
one thing up on her.
Bet she can't hold a candle
to me in the fucking department.
That's enough.
NORA: I might be a dumb Hoosier,
but that's one thing I know
how to do, don't I, baby?
And I'll say when it's enough.
There's no other woman.
NORA: Bullshit.
I wish there was,
but there isn't.
I can't look at another woman
without wanting you.
I'm afraid you're going to
have to do better than that.
MAX: Nora, I don't know...
NORA: Why did you lie to me?!
I don't know
what's happening to me.
I have never wanted a woman
as much as I wanted you,
never, not even my wife.
You better be careful
with words like that.
Words like that could kill
a person if you don't mean it.
Well, I mean it.
That you love me more
than you do your wife?
I didn't say that.
I said I wanted you
more than my wife.
What's the difference?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I only know that
when I 'm not with you,
I'm a total wreck.
NORA: And when you are with me?
I'm a different kind
of total wreck.
Why did you lie to me?
MAX: Have you ever been
to a Jewish wedding?
Not recently.
It wouldn't
have been that easy.
I wanted to save us
a cross-examination.
Oh, bullshit.
You were embarrassed
to take me there, weren't you?
Nora, that's not true.
There's nothing I hate
more than being lied to.
I'd rather have a man
beat me up.
At least then you stand
a chance of defending yourself.
You know, every time
we have a date...
and you show up on time ...
I'm so damn grateful,
it's downright sickening.
Because I don't expect you
to show up at all.
But you do.
And every time you do,
I just can't believe it.
And I'm so damn happy
because...
because I'm thinking maybe
you'll stick around a while.
NORA: And I'm believing in you.
Because you told me
the first time that I met you...
that you didn't gobble
and you didn't lie.
I don't give a shit
if you gobble,
but don't you ever lie
to me again.
Because I'll forgive you once,
but I won't forgive you twice.
[Football game
playing on television]
[Knock on door]
[Loud knocking]
Everything all right here?
Yep. Oop.
Oh, jeez.
Don't tell me.
You are... Ray.
No.
WOMAN: Ned?
MAX: No.
It has three letters.
Max.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Well, who am I?
I don't have any idea
who you are.
Well, I'm Judy.
I am Nora's big sister.
Her sister?
JUDY: Where is that girl?
She's at work.
May I come in?
Uh, um, yeah. Come in.
JUDY: Thank you.
I'm not surprised...
if she didn't tell you
anything about me.
JUDY: Who's winning?
MAX: I don't know.
I, uh... fell asleep.
She never was very tidy.
I left her back home
with Mr. And Mrs. Robles.
I can still see her face
watching me walking up the road.
Maybe I should' ve taken her
with me that day,
but I just didn't know how.
I didn't know
where I was going
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