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/01/
I vaguely remember that when I was a child, I came to this beach.
I walked from the shore to the corner of this beach, the rolling waves beckoned to me, staring at the boundless blue, my heart is full of longing for the future...
At that moment, I felt as if time was standing for me.
Now, I am 31 years old and a successful photographer.
I am arrogant in life and picky at work. None of this matters, my talent allows me to live proudly.
The weather was still sunny that day. I held the camera and reveled in the bright light. Suddenly I felt weak in my limbs, and then my head went white with a thud, and I fainted.
When I was conscious, the doctor came to me alone to discuss the test results in detail. When I opened the door, I saw the doctor's face was solemn, and there was a trace of worry in my heart.
I have AIDS?
No, it's a tumor, malignant.
What are my chances of being cured? Less than 5%?
Sorry, I'm afraid so.
How much time do I have left without treatment?
It's hard to say, we only do general statistics, like you, it's about three months.
I smiled bitterly, helplessly and in a trance.
I can't accept the torture process of suffering from emptiness and finally death. I am such a free and easy person, even if I want to die, I have to die with dignity.
Of course, the doctor respected my practice of not chemotherapy. I did not accept treatment. It was not that I gave up on myself, but that I could not accept the fatal blow of death on me when I was young and vigorous.
When I walked out of the hospital, I was exhausted.
I sat down on a bench and observed people sitting in groups of three or five sitting on the grass and talking quietly. I suddenly wanted to preserve the beauty of these panoramic views, I took out the camera and clicked. Then, he covered his face and cried bitterly.
The sun shines on me, but it can't stop my fear and sadness of death. I long for life, but I can't.
I did my best to hide this great grief. Talking to people, I still maintain a trace of rebelliousness.
/02/
I was struggling to get to my parents' house, and I decided I was going to tell them that I was dying.
I locked the door of the toilet, gave myself a confined space for the first time to take a little heroin, and thought about how my family would react to the news?
When I came out of the toilet, I played with my sister's children and felt the warmth of a family. But the strong contrast made me unable to adapt. I still can't open my mouth because growing up I was so withdrawn and not good at opening my heart.
I feel like I say it, it's the hurt they can't bear.
At the dinner table, I deliberately spoke the opposite of my family, and destroyed the family life that I was so uncomfortable with. I turned down requests to take pictures of the whole family; I maliciously slandered my sister, who was abandoned by a man.
It turns out that wantonly hurting the closest people to create a estrangement with them is the most acceptable way to say goodbye.
When he got home, his lover played games with nothing to do. I shared the heroin I just bought with him.
After that, we kissed wildly, the hormones flooded my head, I felt his beating heart, thinking about my own death, so desperate.
I started choking him hard, thinking that I might just die together like this. Looking at the struggling face of my lover, I was still reluctant to embrace him and hug him tightly.
I said against my will that I don't love him anymore, I asked him to move out and forced him to find a job. I find it easier to tell lies than to tell the truth, and it can exonerate both parties.
I angered my lover in the same way. After a scuffle, he went downstairs and fell asleep on the sofa in a rage. I closed my eyes and yearned for him to forgive myself. So contradictory inside, but had to do it.
I came to a gay bar, and I was drunk with money, and I was in a pool of wine and meat. Comrade debauchery and indulgence took away the moment of pleasure I was looking for.
I'm gay too, and I don't think it fits me, because what I've been pursuing, the good memories of me and my lover, I'm afraid of being tainted by all these evils.
I have fear, I have confusion, I need comfort, but I can't speak.
I try to make myself irrelevant to the world, but I can't help myself.
/03/
I drove to my grandmother's house, I wanted to meet her, maybe she knew how to soothe a dying person in her old age.
Stopping at a restaurant along the way, the waitress, had a few words with me, involving the kids. I ended the conversation hastily and rushed to my grandmother's house.
I told my grandmother unreservedly about my situation, had dinner with my grandmother, and slept in her arms at night.
It seems to have returned to that carefree childhood, that night was a rare and steady night since I got sick.
I went to the woods behind my grandmother's house where I used to go when I was a kid, and here are my childhood memories.
I recalled playing the house game with my sister; I recalled being distressed by the sick hare on the side of the road and being told by my father that this was the law of nature and I couldn't be sympathetic.
I'm leaving early in the morning. My grandmother picked flowers for me in the morning and persuaded me to go back to chemotherapy.
I know my decision won't change, but my grandmother said she just didn't want me. I am very grateful for my grandmother's care for me. Before leaving, I also used the camera to leave my grandmother's face.
Driving back halfway, I passed by the restaurant again. It turned out that she and her husband ran the restaurant together.
She chatted with me and again mentioned the child, unable to have children due to her husband's sexual dysfunction, and hoped I could help.
I was subconsciously offended by this abrupt request and abruptly declined.
When I got home, my lover had left with something. The home is empty. Sitting on the couch, I was thinking: I did it right.
Going out to buy something, the pain is unbearable halfway. I don't know how long I can hold on.
I make coffee, turn off my ringing phone, and eat ramen. I just want to be alone for a while.
Arranging pictures of myself, lying in bed crying. Finally, I was so tired that I fell asleep, and I woke up in pain and vomited in the middle of the night. The torment of the pain has overwhelmed me...
I lay in the tub thinking about this.
I know my powerlessness, I can't stop my sadness, I hit the wall many times, each time heavier.
/04/
I went to the doctor for some advice and comfort.
When I got home, I received a letter from my sister. The letter said that she wanted to resolve the conflict between us, and she took the initiative to make compromises and concessions, which moved me very much.
So I called her to reassure her. In the distance, I took a warm picture of my sister and her child with a camera, kept it in memory, and walked away alone.
The flowers given by my grandmother gradually decayed and eventually withered. Isn't life also this process?
I thought about it and suddenly felt that life is precious.
I was reminded of the request from the possibly embarrassing waitress at the time.
Maybe when I was still in this world, being able to help those in need was, in a sense, a continuation of my life.
I helped her conceive the baby, and his husband was next to us. I saw them and was very happy.
I shaved my cherished long hair, and my days are running out. I struggled to make the last bit of preparation for the departure of my life.
I started to deal with my funeral, I left all my inheritance to this unborn child.
Farewell, parting with the child in her belly. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, I still want to do it for no reason.
On the train, when I saw a newborn baby sucking on its mother's nipple, the crying instantly calmed down, and my heart gradually became quieter.
I went to the coast and bought a shawl and diving goggles.
Like a child, he licked the ice-bullying bite by bite, and lost the only mobile phone that has contact with the world.
I'm starting to let go and do something, just for myself.
I came to the edge of the beach. Wear waterproof eyes, swim in the sea, and feel the pulse of life for the last time.
A child hit the ball in front of me, and when I was about to hand it to him, the moment I looked up, I was stunned:
The childhood me reappeared, as if the happy little boy never left me half a step, even if I could die. So I can say goodbye to this world with peace of mind.
I lay down peacefully, accepting this open-mindedness. I shed the last tears for the people around me and myself.
The sun receded, the crowd dispersed, and I was still lying.
/05/
With the first tone, CaCa used more than 2,000 words to witness the dying time of Roman, the protagonist in the movie, from life to death.
Roman's demise bit by bit is a part of daily life. Closing eyes on the beach is the last scene of a corpse, which cannot but be moved.
A living life is gone.
Seeing this, I pulled away from the movie. My breathing was even and my heartbeat was normal. After living for so long, it seemed that I never really felt the cruelty of this nature.
Birth, old age, sickness and death are not just words or feelings written in books, but real laws, like the skin flakes that fall off your body, which are easy to be ignored.
Calcium likes this sentence about "The Time of Dying" very much.
In fact, our life itself is full of randomness, and we often ignore this randomness because there seem to be no drastic changes in our lives.
Some people just smashed their grades, some people just went out to make a taxi, and some people just had a glass of wine... There are too many coincidences, but we don't see them in our daily life.
Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist, and not being threatened with death doesn't mean the death threat is gone.
I always tell the friends around me that you should give time to your most precious people and the things you love the most.
Because you really don't know when that ultimate moment will come.
Maybe people can cherish every moment only when they often think of the impermanence of life.
But I guess, for me, instead of relying on the demise of others to remind myself of how precious this moment is, it’s better to be who I like from now on.
·END·
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